Here - the continuation of the article Education. The articles of this section outline both general principles and the features of the upbringing of children in different cultures and different traditions.
Parents and children: we raise children by our fact of life together with them
Among the parents of conscious educators - a little, consciously bring up children - units. Unfortunately, most of the parents, if they suddenly decided to write a book about their upbringing, the epigraph could take the classic "So it turned out", and the title - "What has grown, it has grown." The smaller part of the parents knows what they are doing and why. Hello, such parents! However, children are brought up by us even when we do not plan: the very fact that we live with them together, our way and way of life, our habits and conversations. Targeted education is rare and therefore secondary, in life primarily - it’s parents and children: what kind of children, what parents, and what kind of relationship between them. From this, the goals of upbringing, and its capabilities, and the approaches and methods used will depend on it.
Parenting is an intervention in a child’s life. Do we have this right?
Do I need to educate my children? From the point of view of the legislation of the Russian Federation, this is our direct duty. However, each family has its own laws, and. Oddly enough, many parents today answer this question negatively, choosing another: "Children need to just live!". How to relate to this? Sometimes it’s wise, sometimes it’s stupid. If for the cause of education is taken by the pope, who has alcohol in his head, and the belt in his hand, then the answer is unambiguous - it would be better for such a father not to engage in the matter of upbringing. Any tutor should start with himself, the first task - to educate the educator! On the other hand, if children are not educated, they will somehow educate themselves, but with each generation the level will be slightly lower. To keep children at a level or their level, children need to be educated. Nature gives the child the makings, education makes the child a person. Education brings the child to the culture, enables the child to enter the circle of people, proper education can develop a child’s respect for themselves and for people, courage and creativity, create the prerequisites for his health and happiness. On the other hand, improper education can kill a child’s courage and interest in life, instill bad habits, develop selfishness and allow theft.
Child development, child rearing, child re-education and child management are completely different tasks and fundamentally different methods. Understand what you need, and do not confuse please!
What do we want to see our children?
But there is a fact: you are already reading this article, which means you are thinking about that: "The child needs to be educated!" - It’s true, only in the name of what, what do we want to get as a result? To be comfortable and we did not interfere? In principle, this is also good, but it seems that the mission to be a parent in something else. "To be healthy and not worse than others" - and this is not enough? "To not repeat my mistakes ..." - maybe the child should have a life? Moms disagree with Papa’s views on education, they generally disagree with the position of the grandmother; the religious family educates children in other values than the secular family, local culture and customs also contribute, setting their limits and defining - often very rigidly - their values ... But our children, and we need to solve these issues. More on this in the article What do we want our children to see?
Well, and how to educate them?
But we will not say. More precisely, let’s say only when you decide on the tasks of upbringing and choose your approach. It turns out that there is no single science of upbringing: there are enough competing and often mutually exclusive approaches between which you will have to choose. At a minimum, the male approach to education is the most serious difference from the female approach, the supporters of free education defend their truth, the gestalt approach recruits its supporters ... As you define your goals and choose your approach, it will be easy for you to select the authors who are close to you , and your language, and your rules and principles. We want to warn that the Psychologist develops primarily the synthon approach in both psychology and pedagogy.
We are convinced that the methods of upbringing should be selected "under the growth" of parents. While parents are wild, their attempts to educate children usually lead only to negative consequences, and such parents, if they really want the good for children (and for themselves), it is better to engage in the upbringing of oneself and less to molest children. The traditional recommendations "try to understand children," "talk with children," "learn to listen to children," "just be friends with children" are quite reasonable, as they divert such unskillful parents from the educational process to which they are in fact incapable, useful things that help both themselves and their children.
So, if you are not a great specialist in the education of children, then start self-education and, if possible, do not touch the children, do not prevent them from living. As you progress and vital needs, gradually move on to more and more active child management. And when children become obedient, you can already educate them. And even somehow to be responsible for the results of their own upbringing.
The best methods of education you can use only when you educate yourself in a way. Getting acquainted with the methods and successful decisions of parents in general for all of us, in fact, raising children - of course, very useful, but all the recommendations have their limitations. What is suitable for one child will be contraindicated to another child in another family. And some effective formulations will not work for you simply because you do not utter them (funny, but that’s often the case), or you will not have the right voice and the right intonation. Phrases on children do not work by themselves - they are told by parents who have their own relationships with their children and their own history. In addition, all of these educational tactics and a selection of methods is a predominantly male approach. Women are not inclined to think in this way, they raise a child in the first place by their attitude towards him.
Speaking about the types of upbringing, first of all they write about such types as indulgent hyperprotection, emotional rejection, dominant hyperprotection, increased moral responsibility, neglect, cruel treatment.
These are the most common 6 types of upbringing. A wider list of 10 types is hypoprotection, dominant hyperprotection, indulgent hyperprotection, indulgent hypoprotection, cultivation of the disease, emotional rejection, cruel attitude, increased moral responsibility, contradictory upbringing and education outside the family.
It is fairly obvious that these are all types of problem education. It’s not what parents choose, it’s that. that at problem parents it turns out. It is often written that these types of problem education are opposed by authoritative education: a combination of warmth and relatively strict control of the child, but such control that the child understands and is carried out clearly and consistently, so that children know what to expect if they violate the rules established by parents. That is, there are many problem types of upbringing, and correct education is one thing: "authoritative upbringing." Is it so? Unfortunately, it is not. Even for the best parents of an ideal system of education - no. Those (rare) parents who come to education consciously, who think about the upbringing of children who choose, choose their style and way of parenting for themselves, are not in a simple situation, they also face a choice.
A conscious upbringing is not one, but different models of upbringing, each of which has its own peculiarities, its pros and cons. It is not obvious that hard education can not be a conscious and once adequate choice, many parents are attracted to the model of natural education with virtually no social prohibitions, but even relatively free upbringing with reasonable restrictions can be to some extent directive. How will be correct? We can offer our description of the basic models of education and their comments. We hope. that our best readers in the world will make their own. the most correct choice!
Yes, good books help you. The literature on raising children is a sea, it’s easy to get lost. Here - a selection of useful literature on the education of children. Here - an online course on raising children "Steps", we recommend. Well, come to trainings in Syntone!