О семейной конституции рассказывает психолог Марина Смирнова.
Плохо, когда в паре один развивается, а другой - нет. Как вы решаете эту проблему?
Our family is our world and our small state. Our Constitution is the main rule of our state. Our rules are not aimed at anyone, but in the name of protecting the interests of each family member. They protect everyone and are beneficial to everyone.
Family is work. And since this is our favorite work, we treat it with our soul, joy and responsibility. If we are fully adequate at work, we can be the same in the family. When we need to remind this, we say: "Working format!", after which we watch ourselves as at work. If we do not understand how to solve a difficult question, we recall how such issues are solved in the treasury of common sense - in a reasonable business.
Everything that happens in the family is divided into three territories: my personal territory, your personal territory and our common territory. With a natural consequence: on my territory I am the master, on yours - you, on a common territory on all issues we are obliged to negotiate.
My territory is my self-service. Personal territory is a part of life for which you are responsible and with which you cope without straining the rest of the family more than agreed. On their personal territory, each person takes the responsibility to solve all their problems independently. As far as your decisions and your life begins to unjustly strain the other members of the family, so all this ceases to be your personal territory and becomes a common territory.
If a child has got himself a hamster, and the parents need to clean up after him, the fate of the hamster is no longer decided by the child, but by all members of the family. If the husband begins to drink at his own time, this is already about the wife, and the question becomes common. If the wife began to lead a way of life from which she loses physical attractiveness, the question of her nutrition and how much she lays down becomes also a matter of common.
Decision-making in the family is regulated by rules. The first question for the right decisions is: "Whose question is this? Whose territory is it?". If this is my territory, I decide. Your territory is the decision for you.
What should husband eat - the husband decides, and what in the purse of the wife - the husband does not concern. This is her territory! But where we go to rest, the question is common, we need to negotiate. What will be in our family your territory, what is mine, that our common territory should also be negotiated, but once you have decided on this, the bulk of the disagreements go away, it’s surprisingly simple to resolve issues.
If the question is general, then on a common territory, no single question can be solved solely: we solve common problems together.
As for the children, they participate in the discussion commensurate with their contribution to the family and the ability to lead the discussion reasonably. If this is not enough, they obey adults, and do not command their desires.
Opening the discussion
Whatever the feelings, the discussion follows the rules, and rule one: "Do not make noise, we disassemble everything calmly and in order." There is one question for one discussion. " While the issue is not resolved, no other issues are being discussed.
If you need to raise a new question, warn the partner about it and decide: do you close the previous question (on what?) Or postpone (for how long?).
On the common territory everything is discussed and always, no topic can be closed as painful. However, difficult, unpleasant and painful topics we "just like that", "by the way" - do not raise. Reproaches and accusations are prohibited. We raise only sensitive issues on the case and only for a constructive discussion.
Anyone who has noticed in the discussion the source of danger (a dangerous topic, problematic intonations, unfortunate time or surroundings) and carefully warned the other side about this, deserves gratitude. Those who then insisted on continuing the discussion are fully responsible for the subsequent problems.
If the head of the family did not close the dangerous topic and the discussion resulted in a quarrel, only the head of the family is to blame for the quarrel. If the head of the family is not obeyed, the issue of responsibility is dealt with separately.
How the discussion goes
All questions are resolved only calmly, only by reasonable reasoning and without emotional pressure. Therefore:
We follow intonations: we talk calmly, gently and thoughtfully.
We express our every vision, listen to each other and look for the best solutions for both of us. We do not press, but we reflect. If someone got carried away, started to press, speak sharply, rigidly, categorically - it is more correct to stop and correct the situation (ask: "Speak softly, please!"), But the discussion in this style will not continue.
We look at the situation neutrally, from the outside. It is easier to negotiate, if we talk about positions not "my position" and "your position" ("I want" - "you want"), but use neutral language "Position # " and "Position # ". Just different views, no matter whose, and we disassemble their pros and cons. Better yet, if there are not two positions, but three or more, then choosing the optimal solution will be easier.
Agreed on the time. If someone wants to postpone the discussion, he must indicate a reasonable time when the discussion will take place.
No categorical, privileges, emotions and difficult feelings. Without the permission of the other party to press, beg, categorically state, get frustrated, and so on - in discussion it is not allowed. Categorical is disrespect to the opinion of a partner, so we remove it. In honest negotiations there are no privileges, there is only logic. Insults and any other unnecessary emotions - we remove.
From the man the arguments of force "Because I am a man!" are not accepted, a woman can not crush tears and resentment, referring to her feminine nature. References to intuition, fears, forebodings and "any other solution will cause me internal discomfort" are not accepted. Also, the conversations "Accept me as I am" are not accepted: this is legitimate only on personal territory.
Do not get carried away, do not interrupt and we let ourselves be killed. We say the case briefly: they said their opinion - ask the partner: "What do you think?".
Talking about the past, we agree on the future. The best solution is the one that builds the best for us future. Understand in the past in itself is meaningless, it can be done only then and so that it is reasonable to agree on the future.
The question must be resolved. While the issue is not resolved, no other issues are being discussed. However, if it is not possible to reach an agreement, the head of the family decides the issue by his authority. For more information, see →
Each family member has responsibilities to the family. Distributing family responsibilities, we take into account who is better at what he does, what he wants more and for whom it is more useful. In the family we have more responsibilities for the one who can do more. In the family I + I - the one who is more interested in the relationship. Whoever invests more in the family, has more rights in the family.
Negative and punishment in family communication
Negative in family communication - under special control, and is allowed only in specified situations and in a specified form. The norm of living in a family is joy and respect, everyone has to cope with his bad mood. Reproaches, accusations and abuse are not ours. Negative seriously, big and without reason - is forbidden, even if it is not directed at anyone personally. If something can be said without a negative, it is correct to say this without a negative.
On the negative, it is possible to react negatively, but only in the format of a response to the violation of family arrangements. The agreements are the basis of relations in the family, and, until it is proved that someone has violated the agreement, he remains good and loved in any situation. No matter how the person let you down and how bad you were, if there were no agreements, there are no guilty here.
However, if you broke something (a), you are warned, but you did not react - do not be offended. To violate the agreed sanctions - you can.
If the agreements are violated, you can demand that they be respected. If the requirements do not help, and punishment can help - you can be punished. It s not the one who blames, but who does not fulfill what they agreed on. But before the punishment is necessarily a warning and negotiations, and punishment is not revenge, but concern for relationships, actions for the sake of future compliance with the agreements. Reasonable people discuss sanctions for violations in advance. The one who must be punished can himself propose those sanctions that will be clear to him and effective. If disagreements arise regarding punishments, the head of the family decides this question.
Tension in the relationship
If there is tension in the relationship, the responsible person is responsible for it (and for the elimination of the problems that have arisen) - the one who broke the rules and thereby caused tension in the relationship. If one is one. If both are both.
The right to pause: you can not solve the situation within 1 hour. Further, how many hours of inactivity, for so many hours the perpetrator is punished: either socially useful difficult for the benefit of the family or deprivation of food. In the family we have a more serious sanction - the victim himself deprives himself of food.
The perpetrator should propose to talk, indicating that the solution of this issue for him has the highest priority. The exact time of the conversation is determined by the victim, and in this case there are no penalties.
Anyone who assumes that he is at fault can not very well understand what exactly he has violated. This is normal. But it's wrong if he simply asks "what I broke": he must formulate a prepared question, he must work himself, think and put forward assumptions about where and in what he was wrong. Orientation - three assumptions.
When they realized that the violator (remember that often in a conflict situation, the offenders are both, each in something of his own) should apologize (ask for forgiveness), formulate conclusions and put forward options for solving the situation and possible situations for the future. It is very good, if he thinks through the sanctions himself, that such mistakes will not be repeated for the future.
Senior and younger families
On the territory of the younger family, the representatives of the older family respect the rules of the younger family and do not push their opinions in any form. In the older family, its rules are likewise respected. If someone forgot, they do not immediately run into him: first a soft warning.
In a foreign territory with the owner do not argue: you can ask respectful questions and discuss, as long as the owner likes and interesting. At the same time, if I did not object in a foreign territory, this does not mean that I agree with this. I just did not mind, and in their territory have the right to live their own way.
Who has priority in a neutral territory? If the older and younger families agree on neutrality, in a neutral territory, the younger family has priority: the older family respects its rules. If the parties chose to be friends, in the neutral territory, the senior family has priority as an elder.