Автор: Н.И. Козлов

Grief

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Grief is a hard, dark, bitter, sometimes extremely painful experience with a feeling of irrecoverable loss.

Children do not know what grief is, children learn, learn this experience, adopting it as an example of social behavior. However, grief, as an experience, is not very close to small children. Mastering negative emotions, feelings and experiences, children at first learn to be angry, offended and upset, and sorrow later learns. Grief is not a natural, but a social reaction, and adults usually grieve as much as they are used to and how much is accepted.

However, psychotherapists have their own view of grief, according to which grief is the natural reaction of the psyche to loss, and this reaction lasts for a certain period and has its own stages. Among the Russian authors, F. Vasylyuk writes first of all about this. (Read Vasilyuk F.E. To endure grief and Vasilyuk F.E. Psychology of experience).

In Syntone approach, grief is seen as a learned behavior and a learned experience accepted in society and having its own internal benefits to the individual. An adult falls into a grief, and grief is done by a child. The lowered shoulders, the look from under his brows, the sad eyes, the folded eyebrows are not only a reflection of grief, these are the actions that create him. The inner picture is a gray world, that is, striking out the gray (and even black) colors of the world, previously colored.

If a person has learned and believes that it is possible to experience grief, he will experience it as much as is accepted in the given society. If a person grew up in a culture where grief is not experienced, then the loss of loved ones and other events are not accompanied by grief. If a person has obligations to life and people, his experiences of grief will be short-lived - he does not have the right to do so. If a person has the opportunity to experience, if this support is supported by relatives, the experience of grief will be deeper and more prolonged.

It must also be taken into account that the experience of grief usually has not only reasons, but also benefits. What are the benefits of grief, why do people experience it? It is obvious enough that the one who cries is not crying about the deceased - the departed is not bad. The crying cries - about yourself, about your own loss, and crying is a manifestation of fear.

It is interesting to conduct a study whether the duration and depth of grief are related to the general level of anxiety (level of fears) in a person. There is a hypothesis that the connection is directly proportional and, most importantly, strong.

Crying in the first place - a way of self-defense. From what? From accusations. If a person does not suffer, they will say about him - heartless, did not like (did not like). And did not love - so it can be and is guilty in an event? As far as a person values ​​lost, in our culture it is the power of experience. The stronger the experience of grief, the more expensive the lost. It grieves - therefore, valued, and does not worry - it means it was not important.

This cultural stereotype is nothing more than a myth. In Buddhist culture, the death of a loved one is not in principle experienced as grief, is perceived as an absolutely regular event, something even positive: something dear to you, a man freed from the wheel of samsara, he left the world of suffering.

In addition to cultural characteristics, there have always been and are personal characteristics. In different people, grief arises in different ways, someone is touched only by trivialities, someone is being tricked into serious things. It happens that grief is adequate to reality: a person is really very difficult, painful - he grieves. But there is grief and exaggerated - then this is only a means of attracting attention and getting a portion of strokes. There are people who are very worried about losses, but do not care enough not to lose. And there are caring people who tend to take care, not worry. Wise people say: "Appreciate me while I’m alive ..."

Strong people teach themselves not to fall into sorrow, because they know that they are needed by other people: those whom they love and for whom they respond. How to learn not to fall into grief? 1) Practice the technique of mental health insurance 2) Remember about the fairy tale and reality, be able to distinguish one from another. 3) Practice a calm presence, learn not to exert unnecessary emotions. 4) To teach oneself to live the future: what has passed has already passed, and there is always life ahead, there are plans and there are those people who need you.

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