Forgiveness - the removal of claims and accusations, the termination of resentment and anger to the side of the guilty one. Forgiveness is peace. It’s a world for yourself and a declaration of peace for someone you are angry with.
Note: your forgiveness is not all-powerful. If you "did not forgive", it is not obvious that a person is going through this because of this, and if you "forgive" it is not at all necessary that a person immediately afterwards immediately feels better. People are still quite autonomous beings, and their experiences depend not only on us, on our words and our attitude, but also on the inner position of the person himself. If the one who is to blame, feels guilty before us, then forgiveness usually reduces his experience. However, if the experiencing person is more versed with himself, then your forgiveness is of no importance to him.
Nevertheless, the main questions about "forgiveness" are: "Do I forgive everything" and "How to forgive?" We will try to answer them.
Is it always forgiving? Is it all forgiving?
The question is very complex, because it constantly confuses two different meanings - behavioral and spiritual. Someone, speaking of forgiveness, thinks about his experience ("Did I forgive or did not I forgive? Has my grief gone or not?"), And someone else - about how to behave now ("Forgive him or do not let him into the house ? "). You can forgive behaviorally, but not emotionally. "Well, come on!" (and in the shower resentment remained). You can forgive yourself mentally, but not behaviorally. "I understand you and I’m not angry with you, but I realized that such relations do not suit me." We part ways, do not call me again. " The result, we call it in different words: behavioral forgiveness and forgiveness of soul.
The wisest, most spiritually healthy people in the soul do not forgive anyone - exactly because they do not blame anyone. Forgiveness is the removal of claims and accusations, the cessation of resentment and anger... And why start the claims and accusations? Why indulge in anger and anger? Wise people do not do this, so no one needs to forgive them.
Remember how this is taught by the Dhammapada? "He insulted me, he hit me, he triumphed over me, he robbed me." For those who conceal such thoughts, hatred does not stop. "He insulted me, he hit me, he triumphed over me, he robbed me." Those who do not harbor such thoughts, hate ceases. For never in this world hatred ceases with hatred, but it ceases to lack hatred...
"The soul of a wise man is clean from anger and resentment, but how to come to this? As far as people do not reach the top of spiritual development, not all and not immediately, it is reasonable to put a more realistic task: Do not get stuck in your grievances and accusations, forgive faster and easier. Those who work at the Distance, come to this through the exercises "Do not play Sacrifice," "Inside is good" and "If I loved." In addition, the most important moment - work with the beliefs "Who needs what to whom." The serious and global step is the adoption of the Declaration of Acceptance of Reality.
We immediately warn you that all these methods work only for those people who, with their feelings, can at least somehow manage and use reason. If you live in another philosophy and for you questions can not be solved in a reasonable way, you prefer to address your unconscious and talk with your feelings, then your situation is more difficult. See articles Work with resentment, with anger. How I forgave my husband.
However, not always their grievances and angry should be hidden and not always from them must immediately be released. The fact is that some people react only to the language of the senses. They really do not understand normal requests and calm words, and until they see tears or even a serious insult and frustration - they do not react. So, in such cases you need to be offended / angry, do not hold offense and do not forgive right away ... If you get angry (for men) or take offense (for girls) it is appropriate and will be useful for the prospects of good relations, then - why yes?
In the movie "Love and Pigeons" a peasant family money started up on pigeons. How long was his wife angry with him? 4 minutes? Do you think this will give the desired result? It seems that there will not be enough...
If we talk not about the soul, not about the experience, but about the behavior, then the situation turns out to be quite different. If you are asked for forgiveness for some trifle (like, sorry, I accidentally pushed you), then you can and should immediately forgive him and safely expect that this person will try not to push you any more. Total: for little things, educated people forgive easily. If it is not a trifle, then the question becomes more difficult.
It is important to understand: "forgiveness" or "not forgiveness" is only an instrument of influence, which in some cases works, and in some there is not. Here also try on: if this acts on a particular person, then use it. If it does not work, then do not rest.
To some people in general something to forgive is useless, because good-bye or not, it will not change anything. This, for example, men alcoholics, or peasants-guleni in their philosophy of life, these are girls who love only an easy life and are not familiar with what conscience is - continue the list yourself. For them, asking for forgiveness does not mean anything, like your "forgiveness" or "not forgiveness."
If sober he asked for forgiveness, and tomorrow comes drunk again - most likely, it is impossible to forgive. Forgiveness should not become a magnanimous teaching for impunity, so - leave. And do not contact more with such.
These people can be treated only as a natural disaster - or to wild animals, where only muzzles or training work. With them, if possible, it is better to have no business at all, and if they have already contacted, then simply try to minimize damage from them. All.
However, I want to believe that next to you people are different: smart and decent. And the more people live as people, the more important is the attitude of other worthy people for them. Accordingly, the more decent people near you and the more you are for them authority, the more it is important for them to ask for forgiveness if necessary, but, asking them to get it. For them it is - internally important. It is your forgiveness that should not be thoughtless. That is why reasonable and demanding people do not forgive everything, not always and certainly not immediately.
How to determine when and who can be forgiven, and when - early and simply impossible? The simplest and most reliable indicator is the quality of the request for forgiveness. The more thoughtful and responsible the request for forgiveness, the faster a person can be forgiven. If a person understands his mistake, has redressed his guilt, made all the necessary conclusions for the future - what else do you need? Total: reasonable people forgive guilt or resentment, if another person distinctly asked for forgiveness and made amends.
And when do wise people forgive? In those cases, if angry is no longer appropriate. Indeed, if you continue to make claims and grievances, it is already pointless, if you do not achieve anything by doing this, then why? Insults and anger muddle the soul. Learn to keep your soul clean!
Once again, I repeat the main idea of the article: forgiving - beautiful and noble. And even more beautiful - do not get in a situation where you have to forgive, since forgiveness assumes that the person is guilty before you. But why are you accusing him? It is wiser to live - in principle, without accusations, taking people and situations as they are, taking necessary (including if necessary, tough) decisions about people and situations, but - without resentment and accusations. Just on business. Then no one needs to forgive.
And what do you think about this? What is your experience?