Sometimes they say that hysterics of children is always a reaction to an adult, an answer to the fact that there is something terribly wrong in the relationship between the adult and the child. This is not quite true, it is some exaggeration of the role of an adult.
A child is a being that is not only reactive, does not respond to this or that, right or wrong, the behavior of an adult. Thank God, children are very active, leading their own game and policy towards an adult. See →
Children’s tantrums have many roots, this is not only and not always a reaction to the erroneous behavior of an adult. Disobedience and hysterics are age-related symptoms, sometimes - signals that the child is tired or sick, and more often - this is a child’s check of parental stability, a test of strength: "And can you, parents, disobey you?". Usually children start hysterical, having seen how it is done with other children, after which they try hysterics on their parents. If parents are actually allowed to hysterics and reinforced by their actions, the child starts using hysterics.
Story from the reader: Daughter is 4 years old, she fell ill, the temperature is about 40. I need to give her a pill, she does not: she spits out a pill, yells, if we try to put the pill into her mouth violently, arrange almost vomiting. We fought with her for almost three hours, but I did not lag behind ... When we were exhausted both, and she realized that I would not lag behind anyway, she suddenly calmed down and asked clearly: "And if I eat a pill, what will it cost me ? "
How to deal with hysterics and where to get the nerves to withstand the baby’s crying? The answers are simple: do not resolve hysterics from the very beginning. Remember that hysteria is an emotion, and this, in turn, is just giving a signal to key people to bring information to them. On the other hand, tell the child how you can achieve your without crying, namely, teach him to apply.
The magic formula: "When you cry and scream, I do not understand you." Tell me calmly, what do you want?"
If the child was able to stop crying and asked you to calmly, if possible, go to meet him, the correct actions of the child should be rewarded. It is important that if a healthy child gets everything that he really needs, he less demands what he simply wants.
Mom’s report: my daughter is years old. He sits at his table and does something there. All the rest are at the same table. Suddenly she starts to yell loudly and loudly. At first I can not understand what she needs, she says it’s still bad. Then I sort out the words: "I want to paint." Means to draw with a brush. I look at it carefully and say: "Come to me and calmly explain - what you need." Suitable already without shouting, but very quietly: "I want to roll." I answer: "Take a glass and go get water." I went to get water, the question is settled.
How you specifically respond in one particular situation - it does not matter. Rapid response can be almost anything, it is of little importance in comparison with your system of behavior, the system of your relationship with the child. If you are able to educate a child in principle, you can afford once and untimely softness, and unjustified rigidity. All is not terrible, if your main line of education is correct.
The main rule: "You are the boss." Mom, you are also the main one! Do not be fired for hysterics. Control the child, do not let the child control you.
If you need to go about your business, and the child yells and does not want to let you go - go about your business. The child will cry, maybe even scream - from this, no one has died. It is not harmful to health, rather it develops a child’s breathing and makes it more enduring. If he does not want to wash (get dressed, go for a walk), and he needs to wash (dress, walk), wash him, dress him, send him to walk, and his protests are his choice and his entertainment.
The best parent is a strong parent, using his power to care for the child, and knowing that it is right.
Watch the fragment from the movie "Who created the miracle." It is based on the real story of the remarkable scientist Helen Keller, who in her early childhood, after experiencing the disease, lost her hearing and vision. She also became a small tyrant. A new teacher, Annie Sullivan decides to give her a fight. Be prepared is a difficult story.
Observe the main rule, but do not go against yourself. If you are doubting your own rightness when carrying out the Rule, all the more - internally you consider yourself a monster, a "disgusting mother", a "moral monster" (the variant is told to you and you feel some truth in it) then you can not resist. Fanaticism is not necessary, exceptions are possible when one can not rest on and look for more flexible options.
Once you can sit with a child when he does not let you go, it will hardly take more than 5 minutes - and then he will let you go. If he does not want to wash (get dressed, go for a walk) - do not molest him, no one has died from this yet. Later, you will wash and dress, and you will also go for a walk yourself. The main thing - do not strain yourself internally.
The best parent is one who internally feels well.
The main thing - think about the future, bring up the right habits. To react to stubborn hysterics is like putting out a fire that has already started. The art of parents is not to skillfully defeat a child or successfully take out of a difficult battle, but in the fact that the fight does not arise so that the child does not develop the habit of hysteria. For prevention of hysterics, see here.
Next - the experience of parents
Ignore the hysterics
My baby was a year and a half, but he was still that Bootuz. I put him in a stroller, he moved down in it, so that his legs dragged along the ground and screamed. I stopped, seated him comfortably, but as soon as I moved off, he again moved down and screamed. Once he once again arranged this for me, I sat him a few times more comfortable, saw that it did not help and drove the carriage without stopping. So we went: I rolled a wheelchair with a stony face, and the son in her was riding half-sitting, half-asleep, with legs dragging along the ground and REVEL. After a couple of quarters, I fell silent, and then I myself sat in the carriage more comfortably and there were no more problems with the stroller.
Tatyana Rozova writes:
My relatives came: my aunt and granddaughter. Granddaughter is years old. We sit at the table. Svetlana * (the name is changed) under the grandmother begins istereku, that she does not want it, it will not be, give here this and that. Grandma is trying to please. Does not help. At some point, Svetlana asks for ice cream, which Grandma reasonably notices that she has not yet eaten. The granddaughter rolls the hysterics, screams, knocks on the table and calls grandmother a stream of malicious insults. At some point he jumps up and runs off into the corridor, where he starts throwing things at the public. Grandmother says: "I just do not know what to do with it ... Such a character ... Then she apologizes, hugs me, says that she loves me, she will not do it again ... But then she can not restrain herself again." Honestly, I do not believe in love in this situation. Maybe I, of course, are too cynical, but from my point of view, there is an obvious case when the granddaughter caught a great method of manipulation, to which the grandmother is unconditionally conducted. But she did not advise anything. Anyway, my advice will not be accepted. And my advice is this: do not let your granddaughter do this. Just do not let it. Want to scream - go to your room and scream as much as you want. Spread things - then you’ll clean it up. If you do not want to leave, I’ll take it. You’ll go out and close it. To forbid hysterics is difficult. But making it meaningless is easy. If you do not yell to anyone, then the children do not usually yell.
I hung him on my shoulder upside down.
I was helped by a simple trick: if my children started screaming and ranting loudly, I lifted the child high up to my shoulder, and then threw them over my shoulder, so that he turned out to be a booty upstairs behind my back. If he did not calm down, I slowly let him go lower and lower, holding him only by the legs. Sooner or later the child already held on to me, as for the only savior, and stopped crying, because crying in this position was no longer convenient and just prevented me from holding on. Well and good. Then we went on happily and calmly. See the photo - something like this.
I took it under my arm
My son is not a crybaby. Now on the hockey ground he will never show that he is hurt or hurt, but in his childhood he had increased internal pressure, in this regard, a slight excitability - and a frequent loud or. Almost every day the same picture was repeated: I go home, I carry a child under my arm, he loudly yells and kicks. At first glance, it is creepy and unacceptable. In fact - he could not have been different. During the walk suddenly started somewhere to run (to the roadway, for example), to demand something unrealizable, to sit down on the ground and sit or lie down, and then scream. Nothing worked. There was only one way - to take an armpit (in another way, in any way, because it bent and pulled away) and carried home. There put on the floor (with the rest could fall) and leave alone. After some time he calmed down, if asked why he cried, said - I do not know. The main thing was not to get angry, the more calm I felt, the faster everything ended. Now he goes to Grade , he is very well-trained and very good at the lessons. Remained emotionality - instant crying, if something went wrong (it’s only in front of mom or dad). Then the main thing is to react quickly, suggesting a way out of the situation and saying a few comforting words - his face immediately becomes lighter.
I’m sure that you can not do such a thing - the child asks for something, you answer him with a refusal, he continues to ask, then whines, then cries and then you agree. So you will absolutely bring up hysterics. The child should understand that yes is yes, but no, it is not. Here the basic principle of behaviorism works: "stimulus - reaction - reinforcement." By indulging hysterics, when you fulfill the child’s demand as a result (for example, hysterics "take on the hands" or "buy a doll", etc.), you fix this stereotype of behavior in the child - "hysterics works!" This can achieve the result! ".
Especially dangerous is such indulgence in the upbringing of girls, since women are more prone to hysterical reactions than men, and later, already in adulthood, the hysteria acquired in childhood can completely disable the life of a woman, making a joint life with her unbearable man, as a result that such a woman will be doomed to either remain alone or will change her husbands / cohabitants all her life, hoping to meet the "prince", ready to fulfill all her hysterical messages at the first demand. If you do not want such a fate for your child, do not be fooled by children’s hysterics, bend your line calmly and methodically, without shouting and slapping, but insisting and seeking your own.
Go to another room.
I was helped by such things. The first - in case of hysteria, go out to another room, leave the child without spectators. As the child cries to someone, crying soon stopped. But this is not fast. If there is no time (today they hurried to the doctor, and she suddenly became obstinate), then it’s possible to hug my darling, hold her close and do not let go. She first breaks out, then starts to laugh, and I - her tickle ... Everything ended fun and perfectly.
Do not lie on the ground, you will be filthy!
When my daughter was three years old, I practiced a strict rule: if she fell to the ground on purpose, we immediately completed the walk and returned home. This had to be done only three times, after which the connection between the misdemeanor and the negative consequence was assimilated. And somewhere by the age of five, I already did this: if my daughter walked in a messy and very dirty way, I left everything as is and sent her to walk in dirty overalls, paying attention to the fact that she now does not look as attractive as usual. And when she asked me to wash, I added her to the wash: "You got your clothes dirty today, now get everything in order." Mutual understanding was quickly established.
The natural consequences are punished visually.
Nothing for the child is so convincing, as a method of natural consequences. If he started throwing toys in a rage - fine, we take a big bag of garbage and remove all toys there. "I see you decided to get rid of these toys." Well, I accept your choice! " Further on the situation: or go throw them (it is important that the child himself has clearly seen it) or take them away for a while. Usually remove your favorite toys, even for an hour - already a good lesson.
Likewise, if they went to the store and the child was outraged, they just turned around and went home without shopping, with nothing. Nothing to eat. Without reproaching the child, you lament, and even better, the whole family is distressed - oh, how hungry, how bad, that nothing has been bought ... - with the child at the same time behave as if nothing happened, no fault to him is not imputed. I once had enough in my family.
Accusations of cruelty
"If you gave birth to me, you must take care of yourself! You do not have the right to take my things from me! You are not a mother, you do not love me!" - "Daughter, I correctly understand that now that we have sorted things out, you would like to better understand the legal component of the relationship between parents and children, namely, what are the rights and responsibilities of the child, and what are the rights and duties of the parents? Iэm happy to tell you this. Are you really interested? "