Автор: Н.И. Козлов

What to do with those who often play the unhappy Victim?

The situation of the life of a business woman: live it as your own. It’s late, you’re tired and going to go to bed, but suddenly a phone call rings. You pick up the phone - and you hear the girlfriend s voice ... This time your girlfriend is absolutely no, crying sobbingly, and through her sobbing you hardly realize that she is on the verge of that her husband is drinking her third day without a break, that she found his notebooks with his phones women, and in general, he recently had a daughter from that whore. You try to calm her down, but do not know how. After half an hour of your unsuccessful attempts, the girlfriend hangs up and you feel that you have not done everything for her ...

In fact, you are trapped in the Carpman triangle. Carpman’s triangle is a standard relationship model, consisting of three roles: "Sacrifice - Chaser - Savior". There are a lot of studies about it, and most importantly, what you need to know about this triangle is that you do not have a place there. Whatever role you are attracted to or whatever role you are persistently offered - you do not have a place in this triangle.


Firstly, because, as a rule, the entire triangle is glued together from lies. Are you really sure that the victim is the victim? Are you convinced that the Chaser is really the persecutor? And by the way, the Savior is he really the Savior? Not obvious. The fact is that in life the Victim more often pursues herself and grabs the Persecutor hard, so in reality the roles are more likely to be reversed, and if once it’s not obvious to you, remember the "dog on top" and the "dog from below".

These are bright images and , in fact, the concepts introduced by Frederick Perls. "Dog on top" is an open accusatory position, often with screaming, cursing and other barking. "The dog from below" is also an active accusatory position, but is hidden. Not a single word of reproach, just after what you said, her face expressed mute suffering, her eyes unhappy and wet, her shoulders fell, her hands nervously fingering a handkerchief already wet from tears ... And you understand that all this is because of you. Your health?

The Savior is often only a toy in the hands of the Victim, that is, the victim himself, and under the pressure of crying claims Victims usually are more worried about their own safety or reputation. If he is a savior, then at best for himself.

Secondly, show a healthy skepticism to the unrestrained sobbing of the unhappy Victim and do not rush to feel sorry for her whole soul. As a rule, the victim is really in a difficult situation, but do not be naive: crying and groaning Victims are a form of dramatic performance for a grateful audience, where the fee is the consent of the public to work for the Victim.

In the same situation, you can behave and completely different. Life is often difficult, but in this case, someone chooses to think and do, and someone - to throw off all responsibility, cry and wait for help from others. Question: who so chooses? Why? And at what here - you?

If suddenly a call comes to the victim from work or the postman comes, she will not cry to them: what does it make sense to her? The victim - it’s bad, it’s true, but she cries to you so bitterly and loudly so that you see and feel it, then you feed her attention and start working on it.

Third, do not rush into the quality of the Savior as a weeping Sacrifice - to soothe. To regret and reassure the bitterly weeping man - the reaction, it would seem, is the most natural, but notice, usually this results not in a stifle, but in an increase in absent claims to the Chaser and an even more loud sobbing sobs. It is better to check and see for yourself. Usually it turns out that the declared desire to calm down by the leading is not, it comes from the weak and secondary part of the victim’s personality. And the strong and the main part of her personality, she categorically does not want to calm down, because in fact she does not want to be reassured, but to revenge her Chaser. And if you, like the Savior, do not want this with her and offer her some vile reassurance, then you will prove to be a uniform traitor! Hence the potential aggression of the Sacrifice: if the Savior, by her sensation, does not save her, then her anger is already falling upon him, and she becomes the Chaser of the traitor. That is, just that - the Savior.

If you are not a professional psychotherapist, you should not take such situations and clients to your breast: you will not help the client, and after that, psychotherapeutic help may be needed for you. Your task is to "raze" the situation, that is, to leave it with the least losses for both sides. Among the adequate ways of behavior in this situation, when you are offered the role of Savior in this glorious triangle, the simplest are: 1) open protest, 2) mild sabotage, 3) "wake the beast", 4) aggressive stupidity, 5) workloads, 6 ) conclusion of a contract for the provision of services. Like this? Let’s figure it out in order.

Open protest

"I do not consider it possible to interfere in your relationship. I’m sorry that you have had this happen, but in your relationship you must deal with yourself. " After that - to translate the conversation to another topic, showing that you do not intend to return to that topic. This is the easiest way, especially if the relationship can be reduced to business or you do not really value this relationship.

Soft sabotage

In this tactic, the victim should be harassed by long inquiries, constantly stumbling to clarify completely extraneous details and, in fact, switching attention from aggressive crying to everyday specifics. "Yes ... And when did all this happen?" On Thursday? I remember ... It was still raining so hard during the day. Did you have it, too? ... "In this case, your natural emotional dullness or its wise detection is especially helpful. The disadvantages of this method - it usually takes a long time.

"Wake the Beast"

Crying can go on different energetics: a vigorous accusatory lament speaks of a high level of strength and energy, and a dreary squelch testifies to an energy recession. In this case, the person who has fallen into the spirit can be cheered up by the response: "Yes, and who are you?" He is a bastard, and you are a real rag! You can only wipe your feet, you are not capable of more, you can not be strong …" - etc. With this construction of phrases, a short particle of "no" consciousness, as usual, is pleasantly skipped, and your formulas actually act on a person: "capable of more", "capable of being strong." In combination with emotional pumping, a person in response aggression will do great things and later will say "thank you" to you. However, if you do not know a person well, do not take risks: instead of success, you can get suicide.

Aggressive stupidity

The idea of ​​this method: we proceed from the fact that your interlocutor is not very clever (more precisely, in this situation he chose the role of a close person) and, in fact, he hopes to use your brains. Then, if you convince him that you are stupid yourself and have no use for him, he will have to include his own head - which, in fact, is required. Specific execution - among the various intentions of the interlocutor, you choose the most aggressive (in this case: "I want to divorce him!") And start confidently (and stupidly) to insist on this option.

"He’s a bastard!" You imagine, he meets this bitch from the next house! Gad! I can not see him any more!

- You’re right, you need to respect yourself! Be divorced from it! Tomorrow is the same!

"I dedicated all my life to him, and he ... I can not be with him under one roof!" Ungrateful!!!

- Be Divorced! (And further similarly.)

Protests: "Well, how can I divorce, and live for what?" - are ignored simply by your conviction: "It’s impossible to live like this. We must get divorced! "That’s all. To you no complaints - mentally you and your girlfriend, you understand and share her feelings, another thing is that your too firm position does not suit the interlocutor. Well, this is already a matter of everyday life. The attentive reader will see here the variant of the method of "bringing to the point of absurdity."

Loading work

People do not like it when they are loaded with work, and emotional diarrhea usually ends when "you have to pay for the bazaar." In this case, it is quite appropriate, instead of helplessly listening to empty claims, to switch the interlocutor to his own affairs, extremely concrete:

"He’s a bastard!" You imagine, he ... (here a string of accusations)! Gad! I can not see him any more!

- You’re right, you need to respect yourself! Do yourself a new hairstyle (update your wardrobe, go to the sea and have a rest, go for psychological courses).

Or more specifically: "Listen, you are my best friend and I must respect myself! I will not listen to your sobbing quietly." Do you want to whine or be independent and strong? Here is the phone of a hairdresser (psychologist, masseur, fitness club). " Further detailed and persistent instruction in the proposed areas. Possible piles like "no strength, no time or money" are categorically ignored: "You’ll find it, you’ll find it!" Or more: "If you do not take care of yourself, nobody will take care of you!". This option can be more developed, with a little "sympathy", but in any case it is faster and more efficient than using you as a toilet. The most interesting thing is that sometimes this technique is not only a protection for you, but a great idea and a guide to action for the interlocutor.

Conclusion of a service agreement

This is a more effective and more difficult reception, so we will consider it more broadly and in more detail. So, the scenario is traditional: The victim, using his "right weak", presses on the Savior and insists that she should be served as she wants, on her terms. In accordance with the Synthesis Technology approach, you help, but not gratuitously, but in exchange for the fact that your interactions are unfolding based on your script, according to your rules. As a rule, your script should consist of at least two points: the independent formulation of the request for specific assistance by the victim and the fulfillment of any disciplinary conditions put forward by you.

But let’s start in order. Self-formulation of the query is not easy, for this, an open questioning (or corresponding expectation) is usually required, along with warmth, emotional support, and perseverance at the same time. Such a conversation can have, for example, such a form:

- I listen to you very carefully. Now you’re calling me now: what would you like me to get? What, for example, help?

- Well, I’m sick!

- Yes I hear. You are nice and good, and I’m very sorry that everything does not work out that way. But I do not know what will be better for you now, what can be my help. How do you know how I could help you?

A line analysis of this dialogue is made here ...

If the crying stopped and a sensible conversation began, everything is in order. If something is inarticulate about "sorting out" sounds through the ongoing crying, then it is necessary to put forward disciplinary conditions. For example, like this:

- Do you really want to understand what happened? I think you still have not erupted. And this is very necessary. So, so that we can talk to you properly, you need a task: you now need five minutes with me to cry sobbingly, about the way you started our conversation. Do you think you will succeed now?

Another option is about the same:

- We need to agree on this. (Pause.) Can you hear me? (It is necessary to wait for the answer: "I hear!") Well. If during your conversation you feel that tears are coming up, you will not restrain yourself and begin to cry, but you must cry for no time, not less than three minutes, to cry out everything. If you do not do this, our conversation will not be very effective, but you have a very important question. Do you undertake such an obligation?

The main result of this conversation is that you will not be more worried about "save me" and you will avoid both accusations of insensitivity and unnecessary manipulative games.

From the reader’s letter

I like the conclusion of the service agreement most. There was a story: I sit at home, do not touch anyone, I write spurs, because ten o’clock in the evening, and tomorrow I have an exam. But then - a phone call. An old friend calls, there are tears (which is not new) and the phrase «I’m dying, come", which is somewhat alarming. I take a taxi, food.

In actual fact, the situation turns out to be as follows: a boyfriend-yachtsman-handsome bastard betrayed and abandoned, and as a way out of this vile life, a pack of (25 tablets) of tazepam was drunk. Well, the dose is not fatal, but you can plant health.

Well, what should I do? The proposal to call "first aid" is categorically rejected, nevertheless I call a familiar doctor, I receive instructions. The girl seems to be hardly alive, but she has enough to complain and curse her. I feel that I am already seriously trying to play the role of a toilet bowl and if this is not stopped, I will be approved in it without competitors. My answer: following the advice of a doctor, I introduce a friend with a more professional performer of this role - a faience friend in the toilet. It seems that with the muddy streams, part of the resentment also goes away, the girl has quieted down, but I still get some details from the bastard’s behavior of the offender: "Imagine, he rolled three naked girls at once on a yacht, and he told me that he loved me only and never for anything ... "

Attempts to find out what is required of your humble servant in this situation, do not lead to success yet. At least, with relief, I find out that nobody needs to "snap a snout". My proposal to discourage the yachtsman of all his three uncompleted passions, too, does not cause enthusiasm. What to do next?

I tried to play with pride in the style: "You’re a rag!" - Again a bummer, in the face of two more complete packs of sleeping pills, this topic had to be left. Well, the trade remained. I get started: in the end, soon the exam, but I still have a horse not lying around. So, my dear, give it like this: you, like the coryphaeus in this subject, sit down to write cribs to me, and I undertake to devote every 30 minutes to your problem. Hooray, it worked! And even the first half-hour session of psychotherapy has already passed somehow suspiciously constructively. And then they let me go to sleep at all. And cheat sheets were a miracle as good, a whole semester went with an increased stipend.

And the next day from all the experiences there was only "What kind of a fool I was" and a half-empty package of tazepam. Half empty - because it turns out that only half was drunk, and that is not a fact ...

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