Автор: Н.И. Козлов

When the negative is justified, or the Rule of Positive and Negative in discussion

One of the rules of communication: about the good you can always say and not necessarily on the case. About the bad (about the problems and someone s shortcomings) - only for real need, when there is a desire to change this and the vision of how it can be done. If there is no need to talk about the bad - these topics are closed.

When allowed to bay

Sometimes you want to poohte. Inside there is a negative boiling, and really want to get rid of it. But there is no construct in this negative bay. Can only be silent, digest the negative only inside? How to deal with this?

One of the rules that helps when discussing difficult issues in the family is: "Negative is only allowed as a bay, if we want to achieve something, we use only positive and constructive."

That is, if someone suddenly becomes ill and tense, it is not necessary to always translate into positive (sometimes it is energy-consuming), in some cases it s easier just to pour out of yourself (pobuhtet). And the other person helps in this - it helps to speak out. (See Pronouncing difficult emotions).

But both know that this is only an official procedure, and there is no obligation to react to emotions in any way. Relieved - and good.

You can only bay on strangers

If there is criticism and reproaches in the bay about who you are bumping next to, then most likely it will hit him. Therefore, per person - do not bump. You can only cove the one who is not with us.

And if you want to talk about the behavior and the decision of the one who is with you, then come to your senses and formulate properly. On good terms. Positively and constructively. See Criticism Plus-help-plus and Criticism bypassing resistances

Rule Positive and Negative in discussion and sick topics

People have their own sick topics. If the bay of one touches the sick theme of another, the result will not be relief, but a new disassembly and quarrel. Therefore, for security reasons, the baying should be limited: "You can not bay on sick topics".

And is it possible, and how, to talk about sick topics - see the articles Sick subjects and The right to protect the psyche

How often can I make comments?

Even if the remarks are made in a constructive vein, gently and kindly, it is still an indication of a shortcoming and a requirement to adjust their behavior and communication. Accordingly, it is clear that frequent comments begin to get and are perceived as a flow of negativity. What then is correct: stop making remarks?

It seems that the real solution is different: comments are not only negative but also positive. Compliment and admiration are also remarks, but creating a joy and strengthening relationship. Therefore, the first: we begin to make remarks in the ratio of 7 to 1: seven positive comments one negative. Seven admirations of one criticism.

However, and this does not completely solve the problem. The fact is that compliments, praises and admirations usually go short, they are difficult to stretch for a long time, and critical remarks are accompanied by discussions and stretched for a long time. Therefore, if you look at the time, even the quantitative ratio of 7 to 1 in real time often turns into 1 to 7: that is, all seven positive comments flashed in 2 minutes, and one critical remark stretched for 15 minutes.

And what to do in this case? Refuse at all from comments, so as not to spoil all the mood? It seems that such a decision is still not the best. In fact, there is a good solution here, and the solution is unexpected. If a remark is made by an intelligent person, especially if it is a remark of the head of the family, that is, the highest leader of this family organization, then his remarks need not be reacted with protests and discussions, but simply do everything at once. Then the question will not take 15 minutes, but 15 seconds. And in the family there will be harmony and joy.

Hint: if the children do not agree with the parents’ comments, the order is as follows: first we do it, as it is said, and then we discuss it. Sometimes wise wives act the same way. In good families, such discussions are held honestly and unhurriedly, in everything you can figure out and draw the best conclusions for the future.

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