Teach your child to listen to you and obey
At intelligent parents - cheerful, intelligent and obedient children. Moreover, intelligent and loving parents take care of this: they take care that children are not only smart, but also obedient. It seems obvious: if you want to accustom a child to good, at first you need to teach him to listen to you elementary.
You tell the child: "You need to wash yourself" or "Wash your hands!", But he does not obey you. You remind that it’s time to tear yourself away from the computer and sit down for lessons, he frowns: "Late!" - Of course, this is a mess.
Unfortunately, ordinary children have long been accustomed to the fact that parents can not listen: they do not know what they say! And it’s not about children, but about us, parents, when we say things to children somehow not seriously, regardless of whether the children listen to us or not, when we make our demands unconvincing. Your requests should be calm, but clear orders, sound profound and accompanied by control. At the University of Practical Psychology, I give students some good assignments for working out the right intonations for interaction, including with children. The child should know that your words are not dummy, and if you are warned that no toys are being cleaned, they really disappear. If the parent addresses the child with confidence confidently, knowing that he has leverage, the child will respond to such a request.
But it’s not just about the right formulations and levers of influence, there is one more important trick in improving relations with the child, namely - does your child have the HABIT to obey you. "To obey or not to obey your parents" is determined not only by what and how parents say, it is also determined simply by the habits of the child. There are children who have a habit of mindlessly listening to everyone, and there are children who have the habit of just not listening to anyone without thought. Obeying "all" or "no one" is equally bad habits, but the habit of listening selectively, namely OBEYING PARENTS is a great habit! Your children should have the habit of being attentive to what you say, the habit of doing what you ask them to do. Teach your child to listen to you and obey, and you will have your parental authority, you will have the opportunity to raise from your child a developed and thinking person.
Is it difficult to achieve that your children have such a habit? Much depends on the age: the teenager is taught to obey the parents - it is difficult, for many mothers it is almost impossible (daddies are more often strong and therefore easier to solve these issues), and to develop such a habit for a young child is a problem to be solved. In principle, the earlier you start to develop your child s habit of listening and listening to you, it will be easier for you.
The simplest method that will help you in this is the "Eight Steps" method. Its idea is to teach the child to obey you, beginning with the simplest, elementary things, and very gradually, methodically, go step by step to things more difficult. From simple to complex. First we do what any parent will do with any child, then add a little, then a little more - and so we go a long way from a natural child to a well-bred child, who already understands that loving people and more experienced than he is - to obey correctly. Age, in which the algorithm "Eight Steps" works best – from 2 to 12 years. After 12 years a well-educated child should already be your friend and helper, you are no longer exercising his education, but helping him in his self-education, helping him to better solve the life tasks facing him.
And now to business. What are these steps?
Step 1: Addition.
As the King said from the fairy-tale of Antoine Saint Exupery "The Little Prince", it’s easy to control the sunrise, you just need to know when the sunrise occurs. Say at the right time: "Sun, rise!" And you will become the ruler of the rising sun ... Also the child: if the child does not listen to you yet, he still does something. Go from what is, build on what he does, and direct his activity in the direction you need.
The child runs, you shout to him: "Well done, faster, faster!" - he joyfully adds speed.
We sat at the table, you know what the child loves, to which he will still be dragged. Lead him: "Take your favorite bread!" You said he took it.
Little Nikita likes to clap his hands. "How does Nikita clap his hands?" "Clever boy, Nikita! Now, Nikita, show me how the car is buzzing! ... It’s wonderful!" - you teach him to do what you say to him. He is one and a half years old, and he already teaches you to listen and obey.
You can not cope - head. You can not (yet) manage the child’s behaviour - attach yourself to what he does anyway, and what you want to do to yourself.
Step 2: Domestication: Encourage to come when you call.
Do you know what is it "to privatize"? The fisherman throws food into the river - he is privatizing. When the ancient man decided to tame wild dogs, he also began with the privatization, then began to feed them, after - stroking, and gradually accustomed them to run up to him when he calls them. Have you already tamed your children? Do they come to you when you call them? If your children are still wild, start like an ancient man, from their domestication.
Your child likes humming apples or gnawing cookies: your task is to make sure that access to these sweets is not free, but only through you. In the vase this is not, and you can give the child this. Now you do not wait until he starts to beg for you, and you yourself, choosing a good time, declare: "Who wants a delicious apple, quickly runs to me!", "Cookies, cookies, delicious cookies for obedient kids." Children run, you treat them and stroke the head: "Well done, how quickly you resort to your mother!". Here’s the hunt and took place - you already teach children to come to you when you call them.
Attend to your child - and praise him when he comes to you! Praise can be not only food, but everything that the child likes: and squeeze the cream on the cake, and cut the bread, and the time when you can play with the child in the games that he loves. "Mom has five minutes!" Who will quickly come running, can play with it blind man’s buffoons! ". It is important: if the child resorts, you reinforce it: give privatization and praise. If the child does not rush to resort, then comes and demands, you do not give praise: "Everything! Everything has already ended!", But you tell: "When my mother calls, we must resort quickly!". Instruct a child to fulfill your requests, while reinforcing it with joy.
Step 3. Learning to negotiate.
Your child will be intelligent, not a capricious creature, if you accustom him to use the mind. And for this do not regret the time, explain to the child what is good and what’s bad - and teach him to negotiate. You can try to reasonably talk with the child even in two years, and if your child is already three years old – that’s already mandatory. Teach the child to negotiate and fulfill the arrangements!
You are with the child in the playground, it’s time for you to leave, and the child does not want to leave, he wants to play more. Just command? - The child can start to protest with a roar. What to do? Negotiate. The first agreement is before you come to the playground. "You want to go to the playground, but for a long time we can not play there, I’ll need to go home, prepare dinner." You promise me that when I say that it’s time for us, you will not cry, but say goodbye to all the children and go with me. Won’t you hold me back?" The second conversation is when you should leave. Most likely, the child will begin to whine: "Mom, I’m still a little!". Here your task is to safely cut him off from the players and discuss how to behave correctly in such a situation. "If you promised that you will not whine and cry, when you need to go home - you can not whine and cry, otherwise how will they believe you next time?"
It is important that respect for the agreements is supported by all close adults, the position is the same: "We have agreed - it is necessary to fulfill. And whoever does not comply with the agreement is that violator, capricious and small, it is impossible to resolve anything serious." We agree and do not be capricious.
Step 4: No whims.
The obedient child not only DOES what you ask him, he also STOPS to do what you do not like. The child tries to struggle with the will of parents through his whims and hysterics, and your task at this step is to stop responding to them in any way. Learn to do your own affairs, not reacting to the vagaries of the child - in cases when you are sure in your rightness yourself and know that everyone will support you.
You are all in a hurry to train, collect things. In this case, the whims of the child "Well, play with me!" will be easily ignored by everyone, including grandmothers. Teach your child that there are important things. Teach your child to the word: "This is important." If you sat down in front of him and looking into his eyes, holding him by the shoulders, calmly and firmly say: "Adults need to get together now, but we’ll play later with you." This is important! " - soon the child will begin to understand you. It is important!
Step 5: Requirements.
Your child already quickly resorts to you, when you call him with something tasty, stopped being naughty and is no longer satisfied with hysterics. As a rule, he will do what you asked him, but he is not yet used to the fact that you can seriously demand something from him. Requests are soft, and requirements are strict and mandatory. That’s right and obey? At this step, act consistently again, but neatly, at first, demand a minimum and only when everyone supports you.
The child has grown enough to... not to take the toy from someone else’s child to pick up the fallen mitten himself to put the mush in his mouth ... - Always look for those moments when your demands will be supported by all around so that even grandmothers at least kept silent.
If your requirements for a child are too much, if it does not keep up with your many demands, or you do not have support from others - do not press. Like politics, upbringing is the art of the possible. Napoleon himself taught his commanders: "Give only those orders that will be executed."
Nevertheless, gradually remove the pride as something mandatory, start calling the child already without rewarding him with something tasty. It’s time for the child to accustom him to the fact that if his mother (especially his father) calls him, you just have to come because he was called. If he does not go immediately - repeated, but achieved. And now you drew his attention to the fact that you had to wait for him, and asked to come when my mother calls. Do not swear, just say: "When my mother calls, you must come right away!" - and kiss! Slowly your child will begin to learn it.
Step 6: Obligations.
The requirements are one-time, and duties are a system of permanent requirements for the child. It’s time to teach the child that each member of the family has responsibilities, and he should participate in family affairs on a par with mom and dad. Having explained this to the child, start confidently giving him tasks, but here also act gradually: first let him choose his duties by force, let him do what is easy for him or even a little bit like.
This is a step more difficult for moms than for a child. Mom really want to do everything yourself and do not strain the child. So, dear mothers and parents in principle, take care that the child always had things to do at your request. The child should not fade the understanding that he has assignments, and he must do it. Remove the bed, take the cup with you, wash the dishes, run to the store - most likely it’s easier for you to do it yourself, but you are the teachers, so your task is to keep yourself, not to do it yourself and each time to entrust it to the child.
At first the child has to be reminded of his duties, after some time the duty to remember should already lie on the child himself. Remembering your duties is also the responsibility of the child!
Step 7: Independence.
When a child already knows what duties are, it’s time to teach him to be independent. Ability to obey is the basis of intelligent independence. The independence of an obedient child is that you can already give him difficult tasks in the belief that he will perform them completely independently, without your help and tips. It’s not just "Go to the store" or "Take out a bucket – it’s your duty," but "Collect all the things you need in the campaign", "Grandma needs to help at the dacha dig up the garden," "Did you get a tooth? Call the clinic, find out when the doctor, go and heal your teeth. " As usual, not everything will be formed immediately, at first the child will need your hints, help and support, but the more often he starts successfully coping with difficult assignments, the faster his taste for independence will wake up. So, move from the simple to the complex, from the prompts of dense, frequent and specific to the hints of a rare and general plan, and thus gradually move on to more and more difficult and independent tasks, mostly on the most positive background, with small irregular reinforcements and rare large ones.
Ideally, if you go somewhere for a relatively long time, your child should be able to live without you without big problems. He is already independent!
Step 8: Responsibility.
Well, there is the last step: responsibility. Women do not really love the word "responsibility", they are closer to "caring", but between these words there is a difference: a caring person pays only with diligence and soul, and the person responsible for his mistakes pays really. If you entrust a responsible job to a child, for this, in the event of a puncture, you will have to pay either to the child or you. But the children are growing, it’s time to introduce them to the responsibility, and now you are entrusting the child with not just business, but responsible affairs: those for which you have to answer for other people or, simply, for making mistakes.
You instructed the child to put on the table an expensive service. Or - put money in the bank. Or - bring a little sister from the kindergarten ... Will not break it? Will not lose? Will not forget?
Taking the responsible case, the child already knows the price of the mistake, and is responsible to the commission: everything will be thought out, remembered, traced and checked, and as a result you will be reported.
When the child learns to do this, you can be proud - in front of you already an adult. You - brought up an adult, a responsible person! Remember, but it all began with quiet, neat additions to a completely naughty child?
Of course, and after that no one will promise you that your children will become angels and they will never disobey you. Maybe everything, our children do not always listen to us. Once it happens by chance, sometimes - deliberately. How to react to this? Calm down. If you act competently, you will solve this issue without difficulty.
By the way, is there anything after the eighth step, after the child’s responsibility is created? Your child is not only ready to fulfill your requests, he knows his duties, he is quite an independent and responsible person. And it’s all? Do we want to give anything more to our child? Tell me, when and how will we set the task for our children to grow up as loving people?