There are families that are bad, there are good families. In bad families, the child is ignored, scolded indiscriminately, they break up almost anything, they beat ... - and play good, talk, explain, support, and not once, but always. What is the reason for such a different attitude of parents to their own children? Some psychologists believe that it’s all about love, or rather, in unconditional love of parents for children: if it is there, the family will be good, if not, bad.
In fact, this is a crude simplification and a fairly primitive myth. How parents behave toward children is determined by a number of factors, and unconditional love in this series is not the most important point. Moreover, unconditional love does not always help in education: it is often the unconditional love of the mother spoils children, turning them into small tyrants.
It is necessary to understand.
The main word in the formula of unconditional parental love is the word "always". To love unconditionally is to love the child always, under any conditions, and not just when you want. To love unconditionally is to take care of it always, and not when it is convenient for us and despite our sometimes bad mood. To love unconditionally is to support the child under any circumstances, including despite his once bad behavior. Children are difficult, children are uncomfortable, but they still need to be loved!
Especially important is the manifestation of unconditional love in the first year of life. During this period the child should physically feel that his mother is with him, that you can cuddle her, that she is warm, soft, kind. The more attention a child receives for a year, the more likely it will be to develop normally. At this time, children are practically not manipulated (or in very rare cases). If a child cries, you just have to listen to crying and see what he wants. At this time, you do not need to be angry with either the child or yourself. The more relaxed the mother, the better.
But one unconditional love will never replace the mind and experience. A mildly loving mother can easily nurture a whim, after which she will suffer day after day and sooner or later she will start to break down on the child. Mom needs not only love, but also knowledge, including knowing how to treat the crying of a child and how to react to his pranks.
For example, a child is traveling in a stroller, his mother gives him a toy, and he takes this toy and throws it away. Not because he does not like the toy, but because he likes to throw it! Any mom will do, bend over and give the toy to the child again. What will the child do? That’s right, throw the toy again. And if once again the toy is not given to him - he will start yelling. And how to be? In this situation, a well-bred mother does not freak out because she never freaks, a loving mother does not yell at the child, because she still loves, and the smart mother begins to alternate positive and negative reinforcements so that the child does not learn bad habits. Unconditional love should be supplemented by education and intelligence.
And the most important thing is that our children are not only interested in our love, they also need our exactingness. Moreover, if in the early stages of a child’s development unconditional love is more important, then the child is older, the more important is the exactingness. The child must understand that he not only has the right, but he also must: he has the right to play, but he must remove the toys with him. He has the right to play in his own way, but he has no right to beat other children. And when he comes out with his mom on the roadway, he must hold on to his mother’s hand.
And here problems begin with unconditional love. It is easy to say that it is the combination of soft, unconditional love and exactingness that creates the best conditions for the development of a young person. The difficulty is that parental insistence in many situations contradicts and contradicts it. The simplest way to see this is on the difference between the male and female approach in the upbringing of the child.
The concept of unconditional love is usually close to women and is not very close to men. It is clear that all men and women are different, but statistically reliable statement: a woman is determined to love the child as he is; The man demands that the child "correspond to what he should". Man’s love is demanding. If a man himself with a high self-esteem and his child loves, he pre-sets a high bar of requirements for him: "It grows not anyhow, but my son!". A man is ready to react toughly, if the child does not obey him, and will not forgive him before the situation is corrected.
And women usually have different views. A woman is often not so important whether her children will be perfect and meet some high criteria (after all, these criteria are not hers, but children are her own, relatives); a woman is more important that with them "God forbid nothing happened." Of course, a woman will be upset if her children turn out to be much worse than others, but the woman will not stand against the "quality" and "perfection" of her children: "Healthy, normal, not worse than others - and thank God!" Tighten the child demands, the more seriously and methodically - no, it is against the female nature. A woman does not like to be tough, she always wants "for good." She is more often ready to forgive, she is closer: "A child has only one duty - to be a child!" and "The child does not owe anything to anyone!", often with a controversial additive. The child is always right.
Contradiction approaches are sometimes serious, but not all so fatal. With a closer look, clever exacting is not at all contrary to love, but is one of its manifestations. The exactingness of caring parents to a child is one of the languages of their love. And if the father demands that the son normally study at school, go in for sports and stop sitting at computer games at night, this is exactly the manifestation of his love for his son. His son is not irrational to him, and he strains both himself and his son in order that his son will have a worthy future. So that the son grew into a man.
Demanding for a child is also one of the languages of parental love.
Can parents who profess unconditional love punish their children? The answer to this question is extremely important, because it is one thing - an internal prohibition to punish the innocent, another thing is the ban on punishing the guilty. The experience of the best teachers shows that with proper upbringing the child is brought up practically without punishment, he wants to learn himself, he wants to meet the expectations of the educator, while the same experience says that it is just as impossible to raise education without punishments at all. If the child runs out onto the road with heavy traffic and does not listen to you in a good way, you will decide the question differently, because you do not have a spare child. Not always and not all questions can be solved only for the good, especially since sometimes children quite consciously check their parents for strength.
Punish for the case - ok. To deprive for a while sweets or hugs - also nothing terrible, because hugs - not all of love, but only one of its languages.
Do not be afraid that depriving the child during the punishment of warm attention, you deprive him of love and cause him trauma: the demand for unconditional love is not about it.
If unconditional love from punishment protects the innocent, it is good. If unconditional love starts from punishment to protect the guilty, it becomes blissful.
Note that unconditional love is spoken mainly about parents and children. Cultivate an unconditional love in the relationship between husband and wife is recommended less often: if your girlfriend has a husband loafer, a ruffian and an alcoholic, you will hardly be instructing her to run to his store with even more love. Here, unconditional love obviously does not work. Likewise, if you have a child slacker, treating him with unconditional love is silly the same.
In fact, the punishment of a child does not at all contradict parental love, just parents, like their punishments, are very different. It’s one thing parents punish a child because they are accustomed to letting their negative down on him, and another time when they love the child and are forced to strain him in the name of his own interests. This is difficult to confuse, and the children themselves understand this perfectly and feel it. Therefore, it is not true to say that unconditional love is incompatible with punishments. If parents punish a child, this does not mean that they do not like the child. That’s why they punish him and that they love!
When my children grew up, I asked one of my sons what he thought about how I raised him. Sasha thought about it, then said: "Could have been even stricter!"