Автор: Н.И. Козлов

Lack of parental attention and love: myths and reality

Родители детям нужны, это факт. Но что конкретно детям нужно от родителей - вопрос.
Родители детям нужны, это факт. Но что конкретно детям нужно от родителей - вопрос.

Many problems in the development of the child today are due to a lack of parental attention and love. If it is a question of homeless or neglected children, the problematic situation is obvious, but what is the real root of the problem is the lack of parental love or elementary parental control, the question is open.

At least, the claims of the children: "Parents, my problems are because you really do not love me (do not love enough)!" - quite cheap rasplevolovka, playing the Unfortunate Sacrifice.

To talk about the lack or excess of parental attention and love, you need to have data on the norm. However, somehow weighted or approved by somebody norms, how much attention and love in different ages is put to the child from parents for its normal development - no.

Some clarity is only with the first year of the child’s life. It has already been proved, at least on monkeys (Look first and foremost on Harlow’s experiments) that physical contact with mother (or at least her substitute - dad, grandmother, nanny) is really important for a baby until the year. At least at an early age, emotional warmth, parental affection is more important for the development of the child, including for the development of his intelligence than any other form of activity and learning.

Mentally retarded children, held in special shelters, were attached to a kind of substitute surrogate mother; such mothers served as mentally retarded women held in the same shelter. Two years later, special measurements showed that the level of intelligence in children increased by an average of 20-30 points; at the same time, the level of intelligence in the children of the control group decreased. These mothers clearly could not conduct any developmental activities with their children: no mathematical circles, no puzzles, no intellectual games. All they could do was hug the children, kiss, swaddle, and generally do the same with them. And so, it turns out that at least at a certain age emotional warmth, parental affection is more important for the development of the child, including for the development of his intelligence than any other form of activity and training! - from Uri Bronfenbrenner’s book Two Worlds of Childhood. Children in the US and the USSR "(Moscow: Progress, 1976)

However, physical contact is not the same as love. The fact that the mother holds the baby in her arms, nurse him, breastfeed, accordingly gives physical warmth and stroking, can be both a manifestation of the mother’s love for the child, and simply the manifestation of her cultural level: she knows what to do with the baby, and does this. After a year, the need for physical contact with the mother is reduced, and that after this is considered a manifestation of the maternal or paternal love for the child, the question is largely open.

Jean Ledloff, the most ardent advocate of the need for love for the child, notes that the Indians of the Ecuane, where the most harmonious children grow up, parents with children communicate little. Do not play, do not talk, do not dedicate special time: they are limited to everyday orders. I quote:

"It is interesting to note that among the Ekuna language communication between adults and children is reduced to the simplest phrases like" Wait here "or" Give it to me. "The language communication system is stratified: children of approximately the same age fully verbally communicate with each other , as verbal communication diminishes in age, verbal communication diminishes.The life and interests of boys and girls are so different that they hardly talk to each other, and even adults quite rarely talk to representatives of the opposite sex for a long time. when the first does not enter into communication with the child and participates in this communication only passively.This child finds it and shows her his behavior what he wants.It readily willingly fulfills his desires, but only in all cases the child plays active, and mother - a passive role: he comes to her to sleep when tired, and eat when hungry. "

This attitude, to be sure, is not love, but warm benevolence (we do not discuss that in many families it is just elementary goodwill towards each other that is a matter of culture and upbringing, not love). It’s not love, but the children, I repeat, grow up healthy and happy. How advanced are another question. It seems that a warm maternal love for a child is extremely important to a child in infancy, with the growing up of a child, its need gradually decreases, and more important is the parental requirements and developmental procedures.

Also, there is no certainty in the matter of what to regard as parental attention and love, given at least the theme of the languages ​​of love. Parents, suppose, spend time with the child (this is their language of love), and the child snores: "Here, I do not buy ice cream!" (this is his language of love).

We conducted a pilot study: most children between the ages of 5 and 10 years old asked the question "In what way does your parents show love for you? When do you feel that your parents love you?" after understanding the question (it is not always easy) answer: "When parents buy me what I want" and "When parents allow me what I want."

The assumption that there is a universal present manifestation of true love, which all children will understand - apparently, after all, is a myth. Perhaps the most needful children need attentive parents who know how to feel, understand, and do their children what is necessary for their development. Children need to be kept in contact, children need to be engaged, children need to be developed. And as it is called - the culture of parents, we understand parents of their duties or parental love, probably, it is not so important.

In itself, the lack of parental love is not a catastrophe. As Talleyrand wrote, in his time, parental love was more the exception than the rule, but on this historical background, those who made up the color of the Enlightenment grew from small children.

Conversations about the lack of parental attention to love for children are, rather, pedagogical suggestions-scares, so that busy parents break away from TV sets, sitting in facebook and turned their attention to children: walked with them, played with them, talked with them. It is clear that it is more useful for children to be close to their parents, so it is more useful to inspire parents that their children lack parental warmth and attention.

However, even here everything is not so obvious. If parents are anxious or stupid, then it is better if such parents will less often pester the child: he will find himself than to occupy himself with greater benefit.

Of course, in an atmosphere of love, framed by parental insistence, children live happier and develop better, however, parental attention and love does not exhaust all that is necessary for the child. In addition to love, the child needs developmental activity and quality samples for development. If parents are anxious and emotionally inhibited, children are likely to take an example from them and sooner or later they themselves will become inhibited. Dear parents, if it seems to you that your child could learn better and be less rude to others, do not rush to sigh: "Probably, he lacks our parental love." Perhaps the reason is quite different, and these reasons can be many. It may very well be that he does not have enough samples of culture from your side, elementary help to the child and the ability to organize his life. Perhaps, you lack lack of love, and your own organization: you lack the necessary knowledge and discipline of your parental intentions to embody. And the best manifestation of your parental love will be that you will begin to teach yourself organization and other important life skills. Start working with yourself, get up at the distance.

And most likely, you just did not teach your child thanks.

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