Автор: Н.И. Козлов

You are offended: how to react?

​​​​​​​Being offended is pretty stupid, but many even decent people often do it. If you are offended, your reaction can be very diverse. Much depends on the validity of the offense in your direction, the personality of the offender and the history of your relationship.

In a well-educated person, the reaction to an insult to his side consists of an obligatory and arbitrary program. The obligatory program includes three points: to understand, understand your contribution, apologize, an arbitrary program is the choice of the final strategy. These strategies are also three: a soft way out of communication, operational psychotherapy and the education of the habit of intelligent communication.

Now about all this - in more detail, and start with the "mandatory program."

It happens that grievances break out from scratch, without any serious reasons. To react adequately, you first need to understand what actually happened: who said what and what did. Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding? So, first you need to understand the offense. When analyzing, responsible people always ask first of themselves: what is my personal contribution to the incident, what is my personal responsibility for the resentment? If the insult to your address is somehow justified, you immediately apologize and ask for forgiveness: informally, clearly and fully.

If there is no fault in the incident, but another person experiences an insult, in any case it makes sense to apologize. To apologize is a formality, but educated people usually do it. At least: "Sorry, I understand your feelings." Forgive, do not forgive – it’s not entirely your business - people are different, and you have fulfilled your part.

However, there are no standard solutions here, because once outraged by someone else s offense - the most effective way to stop someone else’s offense. Or, suppose you understand that resentment is obviously manipulative, and a person takes offense only to make you guilty and get away from your responsibility. No, with a sick head for a healthy responsibility to shift is not necessary, there is no need to apologize.

The compulsory program is completed. What’s next? Further options. Sometimes the best solution is a soft way out of communication with a touchy person. Dealing with other people s grievances is a rotten and ungrateful business, and if there is an opportunity to simply get out of problem communication, this is usually the most reasonable decision. No showdown, no excuses and long conversations - then the longer the talk, the more offense. Make a simple decision: do not understand anything, apologize and hush for clarity: "Sorry, I did not mean to offend you," then smile and change the subject. And even better - to get out of communication with such people at all.

From the offended and touchy, in principle, it is worth keeping away. Uptick girlfriends, familiar touchy girls - are you sure that you should maintain close contact with them? Usually trouble and trouble here is more than good and joy.

If you are a woman, and your man is offended by you, do everything the same, but with two reservations. First - it is very likely that the man did not take offense, but was angry with you. Attention: if you are not absolutely sure that this is his OFFENCE, and you admit that he is SERIOUS at you, proceed from the second. To tell a man that he was offended, while he is angry with you, is to make him doubly angry. According to men, only women and children are offended, so here it is better to be more careful. The second reservation - if a man really resents you, you should not deal with him. Men do not take offense.

Further.

With sensitive people, it’s really better not to have business, but so resolutely stop talking with them - maybe not always. There are people who are expensive, interesting, pleasant, necessary and beloved - there are many people around whom you will communicate, but it is useless to educate and re-educate them. In these cases, operative psychotherapy can help - quick help to a person in removing emotional tension and negative experiences.

To teach your mother-in-law what life is, most likely, is not worth it. The fact that you immediately understand the young children, too, usually do not have to count.

In these, let’s name their difficult cases, the optimal operative psychotherapy in the domestic version is appropriate: an appropriate soft joke, distracting, letting out and other options for emotional response, emotional switching, involvement in what something interesting and attractive, just to give flowers or ice cream - all this helps a person get out of grievances, take away the anguish, get rid of anger, overcome the frustration, mitigate other negative experiences.

The most unbeatable, but also the most "expensive option" is to give diverse, all-time different answers, but directed towards the desired goal. The most "inexpensive" and reliable option is a typical reaction of three points: neutral, response, switching. That is, initially you react neutrally to once-arising grievances, not in any way, as a weather phenomenon - not because you do not care, but in order not to create a positive reinforcement of the habit of taking offense near you. After that - give the person the opportunity to react to their emotions, that is, to speak out, sing, cry a little and even quarrel - if only the heart felt better! And after that, as soon as it turns out possible, switch to something more positive.

Children are distracted by other entertainment, adult children offer relevant business or engage in their positive communication. If suddenly this is your favorite girl, then flowers, care and other signs of attention are always very handy. Especially, you probably are pleased!

And the most important and at the same time the most difficult is not just to take offense "here and now", but to start slowly disaccustoming to the habit of taking offense. Parenting, especially re-education, is an exceptionally creative matter, but three points, three possibilities are most useful here: setting the format, discussing what is happening, and accustoming them to reasonable communication. This is a separate large project, if interested - read "Education of good habits. How can we wean from insults and accustom to sensible communication?"

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