Автор: Н.И. Козлов

Accustoming to reasonable communication

Children are not brought up immediately, not even adults have received a good upbringing, and communication with them, sometimes, is accompanied by resentment, resentment, hysteria and other emotional splashes. If a person close to you behaves this way, and communication between you is inevitable, if only because you want it, you have three opportunities to make communication between you more reasonable: to set a format, to discuss what is happening, to accustom to the style and habit of intelligent communication.

If the first two possibilities do not give the desired result, you can turn to the training, to develop a behavioral habit.

In some families this is done without any special psychology, at the level of the establishment of the Family Rules: between all members a contract is concluded, where rules and sanctions are established for their non-fulfillment. In reasonable families - it helps a lot.

It is clear that teaching is not always possible. Here we are talking about adequate people (manipulative games are not here) and remember that qualitative relations begin with two things - with quality people and interest in each other. If there is no interest, if you (suppose) do not really need the other party, then there can be no talk of any accustoming, your attempts will be stopped at the root. But if two people are in principle adequate and want to be with each other side by side, intelligent communication with each other needs to be learned. And we have to train here.

Initially, they accustomed themselves to reasonable communication, after that they helped the partner. Start with yourself - but do not stop there. Communication is a dance of two.

It is best to agree that we educate each other, and not just allow - we ask to do this and are grateful for it. If people trust each other, they are sure of the best intentions and adequacy, if people want to be around for a long time - such an arrangement is simple, and upbringing is not offensive. If you are educated people and know the basics of Eriksonian hypnosis, you know how to conduct the necessary suggestions naturally and imperceptibly, probably you will use this too.

So, here we are talking only about one of the three lines - about learning to the right style of communication. Accustoming is not a fast thing, it requires patience and methodical approach, but the results are worth it. How it is better to do, where to start?

The first is, if possible, to discuss that insults and reproaches are not ours. This is not our style, not our form of communication, that everything we want to say to each other can be said without resentment and without reproaches. So, so, and kiss! - After this, the instruction begins with prompting and instruction. Accustoming is not criticism at all, it is rather a help in mastering a new one.

As an option, take the situation with a girl who is inclined to take offense and reproach.

Ironically, a girl may not understand that she is offended or reproaches. «I’m not offended!" or "What did I say?" - typical reactions are sufficient. If the reproach does not answer, but - stop, pause, repeat her first phrase (which seemed to you reproachfully) verbatim, then look at the girl and say "It’s like a reproach," and then smile and pat on the arm, mutual understanding is faster.

But that is not all. If the girl saw that she is doing something wrong, it does not mean that she knows how to react to you correctly. Tell her: "When you do not like that I said something or did it, you stop me with your hand and say - it’s unpleasant to me. We’ll discuss it in a good way."

If they offend you, it means they want something from you. Therefore, the meaning of your actions is a message to your partner: if you need my help, do not do so. Better do it (tell me how) ... I’m ready to help, only let’s make it so that this help is pleasant for both of us.

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That there was no internal resistance, with you - adjustment, and the girl should understand why all this is necessary for her personally. There are a lot of options: "You are upset yourself, do you need it?", "You will not be offended", "You are a queen, and the queen never takes offense", "If I take offense, we can quarrel, and we do not want this together! ". You can see the options in the article "How to train a partner to live by the rules".

Accustoming always goes better on a positive background. Take care that after the first conversation you have a good day, when you always praise her: "Thank you for the positive," "True, thank you, that I restrained - I noticed!" Make sure that next to you it was easy and joyful for her, at least - that with you she was definitely better than without you. ↑

In any case, you will need patience and methodicalness. It is important that the girl understood: it’s impossible to avoid you. If you raised the topic of your relationship, you will not forget it. If she can not speak now, you will ask: "And when will we agree on this?" - and you will wait for an answer, and at the agreed time you will return to the conversation.

Lead your line: if she is offended, do not discuss what she wants from you. "If you are offended and I’m bad, it will not suit me.If you want to discuss something with me, first calm down and get rid of reproaches." I m ready to wait, but against the backdrop of reproaches I will not talk to you.

It is clear that these are male formulations. From the woman’s side, these turns sound less successful - this is not a woman’s style. Perhaps the girl will formulate this: "You promised me that you would not be offended by me, I understand that you were angry, but we agreed to talk without reproach." I try, and the man will keep his word? ".

It happens that nothing helps, and any of your proposals to communicate intelligently cause only the following accusations and hysterics. Yes, it happens. If hysteria is regularly arranged by your girlfriend, the best remedy against her hysterics is to part with her. In the beginning, to warn, and if it does not help - to part seriously and for good. If you are a reasonable person, why do you need a wild creature? Something more decent - you will not find? Note: if you took care of the format of relations in the first weeks of your acquaintance, there would be no hysteria in your girlfriend. Take care of this next time!

In any case, grievances should receive negative reinforcement, and reasonable communication is the most positive: your admiring eyes, your warmth, care and support. Like this. Not everything is simple, but everything is real.

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