Автор: Н.И. Козлов

How to discuss grievances and other problem emotions

Фильм "Синтон. Роль опоздавшего молодого человека играет проф. Н.И. Козлов"

Если рядом с вами приличный человек, то его обиду можно понять и как выражение любви к вам.
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The most good relations sometimes turn into something more problematic, and to discuss what is happening in your relationship is once not just desirable, but it turns out to be directly necessary.

When deciding what happened, do not rush to get angry: the resentment towards you (or yours for someone) can be just a misunderstanding. Perhaps you (or you) just do not understand correctly, and under the resentment there is no reason. Hence, both need to breathe out and quickly rejoice, change the offense to something more positive.

If immediately positive does not go, you can figure out how to behave in the future, so that the misunderstandings you have occurred less often. In some cases, to understand that a misunderstanding has occurred, a positive interpreter will help-the ability to hear the best (good) intention, good attitude and other positive things behind words.

Yes, the girl was offended when the young man was late for a date. Yes, now she is silent or speaks prickly words, but this only says that she was waiting for him, that he was not indifferent to her? If this is understood by both, the offense will go away.

Sometimes it seems important to talk not about a specific offense, but about the tendency of a person to take offense at you too often and without due reasons. When is it better to start such conversations? This is possible at any stage of the relationship, but it’s better to wait and start a conversation when you are clean and your partner is obviously wrong. In any case, it should be taken into account that an honest and direct discussion of what happened will not happen to everyone, but only to those who understand what civilized relations are. Between quality people this will be a benevolent discussion, in more difficult cases - prepared disassembly.

One of the most important conditions for successful discussion is compliance with the format. There is a format - there is a normal discussion. No format - most likely, start to discuss and quarrel. The essence of the conversation is to listen to the other side and suggest solving the issues not by offense, but more constructively. How can this look in reality? For example, so.


- Tell me please, how do you see now what happened in our day? What do you think about this?

"I think that together we were wrong with you."

- Probably. Can you tell us more about everything, how did you see this and understand it?

- (story)

- Thank you. I have a request. I think such misunderstandings may happen to us sometime in the future, sometime I will be mistaken, once you. In this regard, I have an offer for you: we will not be offended at once, but at the beginning we will say that it is unpleasant for us and we will ask not to speak or do it. Insults are silence, it’s wrong. I suggest that until we have figured out, there were no bad people, no one thought badly ahead of time. I would undertake such an obligation - you do not take offense until we figure it out. And you, for the future - could take the same obligation and not take offense at me until we talk?


How to discuss with the children their grievances is a special issue. Well-bred children are familiar with the necessary format from childhood, in all other cases the format should be introduced gradually, through a discussion of what happened. Naturally, it is necessary to take into account the age features - and the understanding that mothers often think that the child is too small for such difficult conversations, and Dads are often already scratching their hands and they are convinced that the conversation is seriously needed for a long time.

As an example, you can disassemble the situation of Demian, the pool, insult


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