Автор: Н.И. Козлов

Demian, pool, resentment

Bulgaria, my family and I have breakfast in a cozy restaurant under the hanging bunches of grapes. We already know everyone here and watch with interest how the merry Demian (he is 8-9 years old) happily escapes from his vigorous dad along the edge of the pool. They splash and throw inflatable circles. Demian completely entered courage, then Dad winked at Stan (it’s a young waiter), they surrounded Demian, took him by the arms - by the legs, carried to the dive site, slowly, swung - and thrown into the blue pool water. Damian batted his back, swam to the edge, Dad gave him his hand and pulled it out of the water. Damian squatted and embraced his shoulders.

The sun, a warm breeze, the gleaming of bluish water, small children splashing around in the paddock and taking away from each other an inflatable mattress.

And then we see that Demian is crying softly: he sloshes softly, his shoulders are trembling. I would assume that he was still frightened when he flew into the water, and so now he thought up that he had hit hard on the water. And so - bad adults offended him.

A question: how to behave to the daddy who in a minute it has noticed too? Suit? Do not go well? With what words? How serious is this offense, is it a long time to talk to Demian and what to do then if Demian decides to take offense anyway?

I asked Marina and our girls (they are already 15 years old) what they think about this.

It was easy to agree that you should approach and ask for forgiveness. To ask for forgiveness, to explain that "we wanted to play with you and did not want to hurt you." When people flirt, and this happens in children and adults, they sometimes inadvertently make their friends hurt or unpleasant. It happens even between good friends. - Hug, a little sit next to him. This makes dad ok and good.

Actually, Dad seems to have done it. But Demian continued to sit unhappy and puffed. He still was terribly hurt!

Nastya said that now she would be distracted - Nastya really knows how to do it beautifully and dexterously. Masha said that let him sit for five minutes, get bored and stop himself. Marina expressed the opinion that when a child is sitting like this, he does not just take offense, but thinks about what happened. It’s very cool that the child thinks, analyzes the behavior of his and adults, and do not need to interfere with it.

Marina has a tremendous ability to see the best side and best intentions behind the actions of others, I saw something different here: the child covered his fear with a thought up pain and now offends himself to take revenge on the Pope. I think even that I was more right than Marina, but I also know another rule: if there are several interpretations about the situation, you need to choose one in which the surrounding people turn out to be kinder and better. So, Marina is right after all.

But it’s also not the case that Demian is now getting used to being offended and feeling sorry for himself: a boy, a future man, is not at all. Therefore it seems to me right if Demian will still be sour, call him to himself. Calmly and seriously - call to yourself. He will not go anywhere - he will get up, straighten up and come up. Then he can calmly say: "Men do not take offense for long, do not sit for so long, please take the key to the number (give him the key, he will take it), and bring me, please, my laptop." If you want to take your mask, take it and her, yesterday you had a good time diving with her. "

It seems to be close to Nastya’s decision, this is a "distract" strategy, but here the father does not serve the child, and the child does what the pope told him. Well, the suggestion "men do not take offense" - it seems to me mandatory.

And what do you think?


Together with Marina, it seems to me that the situation is not yet complete, and later on, I would return to the situation of the pope. Maybe he would go out with him, or we would sit down together at a table where I drink tea, and he eats his favorite ice cream, but I would ask you to tell me how he remembers what happened there at the pool.

The very process of remembering what was, what he did, what others did and said was a thing of exceptional importance, the beginning of the habit of conscious life.

Sometimes this is quite enough, the child will already understand a lot and even with a margin in the process of telling and clarifying questions. If it seems that the child is not overloaded and you have enough pedagogical qualifications, the conversation can be continued. I think that in a calm, thoughtful form, I would ask and listen carefully to the answers to the following questions.


»When we got you by the hands of Stan - for your legs were carried to the pool, for you it was a game or really unpleasant?" If the "game" answers - well, "really unpleasant" - even better. Even if the "game" answers, I will still ask: "And if you were really uncomfortable, what would you do?" Most often, children do not have good answers to such questions, and they need good answers. Perhaps we would have agreed with him on the "Stop" rule: if he says loudly and without laughter "Daddy, stop!", Then such a game with him immediately stops.

It is clear that this applies only to the situation of the game, and not to other interactions with me, where the situation is determined by the elders.


"Did it hurt when you flopped into the water?" - It is clear that I am interested in his answer "yes, it was painful." Then discussion: how much pain? How do men behave when they are hurt? It is necessary to formulate a rule for the future: "If it is seriously painful, ask for help, maybe even medical help. And if it hurts, but you can tolerate, then do not show that you are hurt and do not feel sorry for yourself." Men do not cry. "


And let him repeat the results of the conversation. The boy is already an adult, will manage. In the end, you still need to start growing up anyway. Maybe it’s time? And then - again together in the pool.

After all, summer, sun, and water are transparent and blue!

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