Автор: Н.И. Козлов

Discussion of disagreements. How to arrange a husband and wife?


​​​​​​​If you do not know how to negotiate, you will quarrel. How to learn to settle differences and controversial issues, so that it is both quick, and practical, and joyful? Recommendations are simple and clear, the difficulty is that, without the habit and training for the majority, they are little real.

Therefore, if you are an impulsive being, live by feelings and do not know how to control yourself, then you will not be able to read this article early. First, grow up, learn how to use your head after all and do what is needed, not just what you want. However, if you believe in yourself and are ready to learn - go ahead, to you here.

In the beginning - the most common things, some they are needed. If this is no longer the case, skip them and go to specific recommendations.

Speak. If you need something - do not be silent, say so. While you are silent, no one knows what you want. Do not rely on "he (herself) should understand" - he will not understand until you tell about your desires in a direct and open manner. This applies to adults and children alike.

It’s amazing - many times you have to deal with situations when someone in the family - more often children - does not talk with their parents, because they do not believe that they can be negotiated. And the parents at the same time are sad that the children do not talk to them, they are such closed ... Here it is not necessary to understand who is right and wrong, it’s easier to try to talk after all: it can even happen. Will you try? But what if?

Do not be afraid, raise your questions boldly. Many couples are afraid to discuss disagreements, thinking that this will necessarily lead to tension and conflict. But this is not so, the discussion of disagreements can be quite warm and benevolent. For those who can talk, this is just another topic for talking with your beloved - or a friend. Or just a respected person.

Raise questions when the situation is right. If everyone is tired, angry, if we are in a hurry, if we have already gotten a hold of something, then the situation for discussion is unsuccessful. Wait. Better yet, do something to make the situation more calm and more likeable. Maybe you can go out from the house, many questions are resolved better during a leisurely walk. And one pair for special discussions specifically went to the cafe - in public they talked more calmly, without raising their voices, and it helped them to negotiate.

By the way, if during a conversation suddenly one of you got into emotions and ceased to be adequate, a very simple tool helps: to change the physical location. Sit, if you were talking standing up. Stand up, if you were sitting. Turn around and go to the window, if you were talking at the table. It seems like a meter to one side, just another picture before your eyes - and the state has already changed, you can talk further. Try it, be surprised how effective this is!

And be careful: before you find out the relationship, you need to check three zones: food, sex, sleep. That is - whether the person is full, satisfied with sex, got enough sleep. You can not talk about your relationship if one of you has not slept, is hungry or has not received sexual satisfaction for a long time. In such cases, the conversation will at least be useless, and most likely - harmful. First feed. And - to bed! By the way, in the bed itself it s better to not lead difficult conversations, the bed should be associated only with a dream and something pleasant.

For one discussion, one question. If you raise one question after another, jumping from topic to topic - you need to separately understand what you really want, but you will not be able to agree to a result in this case.

And finally: there are at least three different situations when close people discuss their differences, and these three situations are completely different. And you need to act in them - in different ways. Therefore, learn to distinguish:

1. You want to discuss a practical question, so that a common vision is created, like to whom to do something. And what not to do.

This is the most typical situation, and it will be discussed below.

2. You want to discuss a theoretical question, and this issue does not apply to your actions directly.

Sometimes we come up with some thoughts, and they want to discuss. Or do you hear from your partner that you can not remain silent, because it does not fit into any of the gates. And how to continue to talk?

3. You want to influence a partner to do (do) differently or in a different way, rather than as now.

You can negotiate almost everything, but not all are inclined to discuss, it is not always open to discuss everything openly and not everything is decided by discussion. For example, if you need to disaccustom a person from a bad habit or accustom him to a good one, if you just need to attract attention to something, and distract from something, these are not questions of discussion, it s a question of certain influences. Look at Matrimonial relations: how to influence each other

So, situations 2 and 3 are still aside, our theme is a discussion of practical issues, the resolution of disagreements, really relating to our affairs and interests. The main recommendations are as follows.

We follow the intonations: we talk calmly, gently and thoughtfully. It’s archival! There will not be this - there will not be a discussion. Therefore, our style is a benevolent discussion: we express our every vision, listen to each other and look for the best solutions for both of us. We do not press, but we reflect. That is, we follow exactly this, and if someone got carried away, began to press, speak sharply, rigidly, categorically - it is more correct to stop and correct the situation (ask: "Speak softly, please!"), But the discussion in this style will not continue.

For some couples, it is very useful to buy a soft toy, such as a rabbit and a seal, at a department store, in the department of children s toys, so that during a discussion they can stroke them. Here works kinestetika: while you are stroking the seal with a soft hand, you speak with a soft voice. If you started to unscrew your head, pay attention to your intonations and general mood, it’s wrong. Be better, please!

We look at the situation neutrally, from the outside. It is easier to negotiate, if we talk about positions not "my position" and "your position" ("I want" - "you want"), but use neutral language "Position 1 " and "Position 2 ". Just different views, no matter whose, and we disassemble their pros and cons. Better yet, if there are not two positions, but three or more, then choosing the optimal solution will be easier.

We have dealt with the territories. Understanding the question of territories is to understand, we are discussing the question of whose: my, yours or yours? If suddenly there is a clear answer to this, then everything is simple and clear: If my question, I decide, if yours - you decide. And that’s all. If the question is general, in this case we are obliged to discuss and solve the problem together. Ahead - negotiations.

Agreed on the time. If someone wants to postpone the discussion, he must indicate a reasonable time when the discussion will take place.

No categorical, privileges, emotions and difficult feelings. Categorical is disrespect to the opinion of a partner, so we remove it. In honest negotiations there are no privileges, there is only logic. Insults and any other unnecessary emotions - we remove. References to "this topic is painful for me" are not accepted, but we touch upon and discuss the sick topics only when there is a vision, how the question can be solved. And get used to talking shortly: they said their opinion - ask the partner: "What do you think?".

Without the permission of the other party to press, beg, categorically state, get frustrated, and so on - in discussion it is not allowed. From the man the arguments of force "Because I am a man!" Are not accepted, a woman can not crush tears and resentment, referring to her feminine nature. References to intuition, fears, forebodings and "any other solution will cause me internal discomfort" are not accepted. Also, the conversations "Accept me as I am" are not accepted: it is legitimate only on personal territory.

Talking about the past, we agree on the future. All discussions only make sense when they build our (your) future. Understand in the past in itself is meaningless, it can be done only then and so that it is reasonable to agree on the future.

The question must be resolved. If you can not reach an agreement, the head of the family decides on the issue. It’s a pity that now in most Russian families the "head of the family" somehow does not. The head of the family now remains, it seems, only with the Old Believers and Muslim families, and the differences are resolved where much easier. Three simple rules are enough: "Ask your husband", "Do as your husband said" and "Watch yourself, be attentive." And in the family full order.

If nothing helps, relax and understand that life continues all the same, and this is the most important thing.

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