Автор: Филинова Виктория, детский и семейный психолог

Little children should obey their parents (V. Filinova)

All parents dream of growing a "good baby". In fact, very often, the word "good" means "convenient" - a kid who always obeys, fulfills any requirements, shows responsibility in the tasks that the adult assigned him. And yet it can hardly be assumed that parents, aiming to grow a "good baby", dream of a soulless robot unquestioningly obeying and fulfilling all orders. Of course, no! The problem is that many qualities that parents want to see in their child (ability to think creatively, courage, purposefulness and perseverance in achieving the goal), in everyday life interfere with communication with the baby. Is it necessary to limit the child in all his desires or better to manage without control, which narrows the scope of freedom? No need for extremes: only a reasonable balance between strict limitations and freedom of action will allow your child to develop harmoniously.

Today we will talk about how to introduce the requirements and prohibitions into the child’s life and achieve his obedience. And for starters, let’s try to figure out why small children should obey. It is clear that parents only benefit from childish obedience, but what is the use of children from the fact that adults control their behavior? Sheila Ayberg, a family psychologist, the creator of the Pediatric-Parenting Therapy, answers this question as follows:

• Ability to follow the rules is an early part of socialization. Preschoolers who have not learned this from their parents will have great problems adapting to the kindergarten. To the child acquired the skills of self-discipline, the rules at the first stage should be imposed on him from the outside.

• The ability to obey rules and follow them is important for the development of relationships between children. Toddlers without such skills peers can not take in games, reject, and then it is very difficult to change, even if the skill will appear.

• Parents often perform self-service tasks for children who are not listening well, preferring to do something quickly and qualitatively themselves than to listen to the child’s excuses. As a result, such children have a weak or an average delay in the development of self-service skills.

• Children really want to be controlled. Full freedom is attractive, but it causes great anxiety in children, the safety and survival of which depends on their parents.

• For simple safety reasons, young children must follow the rules and respond quickly to parent instructions.

So, it becomes obvious that the baby needs to be able to listen implicitly to parental requirements and prohibitions. However, it is important that their number is minimal, and they concern only specific areas. After all, if there are a lot of them and they will spread to any part of the child’s life, you risk getting a weak-willed, faceless little man. And very soon you will have to sound the alarm: "What to do, because my child is not at all adapted to life. He is not confident in himself, he is afraid of everything. He is shy, closed, distrustful, touchy, does not get along with peers. "

In what areas of the child’s life are the bans simply necessary: ​​

• They should concern the health of the child. It is necessary to prohibit those actions of the baby, which can damage his health or threaten his life.

• Physical and personal safety of other people. Banned here are those actions of the child that threaten life, health or are an act of contempt for another person.

• Preservation of material, cultural and spiritual values. It is necessary to prohibit the child any destructive actions with respect to the natural and cultural environment.

There must also be few requirements, and they must be correlated with the age, individual characteristics of the child and with your educational values.

So, how to correctly put forward their demands and prohibitions so that they are heard and taken to action. Let’s turn again to the advice of Sheila Ayberg. She suggests following the rules:

1. Do not give indirect, evasive instructions, even if they are clear and direct. The child immediately understands that you are demanding from him exactly obedience. Example: direct - sit here, indirectly - would you like to sit down here?

2. Give individual and short instructions, do not give compound and complex instructions. The child is easier to follow short, rather than huge requirements, which may seem impossible. Example: Short - put the books on the shelf. Complicated - make sure you are in your room.

3. Give positive directions. Tell the child what to do, and not what to do. Children with negativism, opposed to the parents, are opposed to instructions that begin with "stop," "not." Example: negative - stop swinging on the chair, positive - get off the chair and come to me.

4. Give specific instructions. Do not give vague and unclear instructions. This allows the child to understand what exactly is expected of him, removes confusion and confusion. Example: vague - behave decently, specific - please speak more quietly.

5. Use a neutral tone of voice, do not beg and do not cry. This makes communication between you and the child more enjoyable. Example: Stand right next to me !!! or Well, please, my good, come to mommy, neutral - please come and stand next to me.

6. Be polite and show respect, while continuing to give clear and consistent directions. This is less likely to cause disobedience in a child who is opposed to you. Example: hand me the salt, please.

7. Use directive instructions only if you are sure that the child will be able to do it. It would be dishonest to punish for disobedience if the child is not able to fulfill your claim. Example: an impossible instruction - draw a "stop" sign, an executable instruction - draw a picture.

8. Do so that obedience and disobedience always lead to the same consequences. This is the fastest way to teach young children to obey. Obedience should not be taken as a gift. However, it should be noted. Also, you must be consistent in ensuring the consequences of one or another bad behavior of the child. It should always cause the same actions.

Teaching kids obedience is one of the most important tasks of upbringing. But still it should not be reduced to dictates and tyranny, because in return you risk getting only one or another protective form of childish whims. It is much more important to master the technique of targeted analysis of situations, and in each specific case, not to struggle with negative manifestations of childish obstinacy, but try to understand the cause and the meaning of what is happening. And in this we must rely on the love of the baby and the intuition, which prudently laid in us Nature.

Constructive punishment

Adults create rules and prohibitions, and children violate them. Children are not always obedient, and parents are not always fair. Sometimes the cuff is the main or even the only way out of the crisis situation. Do you know how to punish? At what price are you ready to uphold parental authority? In what cases does punishment benefit? In this article you will find answers to many questions. See →

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