This article is addressed to psychologists, but many of the recommendations from here will prove useful not only to them, but to very different intelligent people.
Often I watch, how valuable advice and recommendations during consultations fly "past the ear" of the client. You tell him, but he does not hear. He hears, but "merges". It seems to agree, but does nothing. Do not matter it! And how to be?
The first question: prompt or let him think himself?
Councils are information assistance, but like any help, advice can be both inappropriate and unclaimed. It is possible and necessary to help people, but each time carefully examining - to whom and how. So it is with advice: you can give advice and prompt, but not all, not always and not at once. What to focus on in order to act more accurately?
Do not serve the lazy
Look at the eyes. Look at the person: the eyes are alive, thinking - or lazy? If the second, then stop your desire to help. Do not think for the lazy: do not tell those who can guess yourself. Many people are lazy to think and hope that they will just ask, and they will immediately tell everything. Do not encourage this - let them think for themselves. To think is useful. This is in principle useful, and you will save yourself, because a lazy person is lazy not only to think, but also to do something. Therefore, with a high probability of lazy, asking you for advice, will not want to work to fulfill it, and will explain to you that your advice does not suit him. Next, the game game "Yes, but" and the triangle of Carpman...
What to do if you want to help, but you see that you have such a character? How to react to the familiar "Well, I do not know!"? - In that case, do not give a ready answer, but ask repeatedly for his opinion. In such cases, I do not know "well" the standard formulations sound well: "And think about it?", "And if I knew?", "And fantasy?". Faced with such perseverance, a person usually pauses, thinks - and begins to say something more meaningful than before.
Nevertheless, in many cases, it is naive to hope that a person will understand everything himself. If a person in this area lacks basic knowledge, one should not torture him with the requirements "Think about yourself." Here the psychologist, as a professional, can and should help the client with his knowledge: give him hints, and even direct instructions. Another thing - how?
This also has its own science and its cunning.
Can you use your advice?
The mice asked for advice from the wise Owl: "Owl, help! What to do, we are all offended!" Wise Owl answered mice: "Mice, become hedgehogs, and your needles will protect you!" - "And how can we become Hedgehogs?" "Leave me alone with trifles, I’m a strategist, not a tactician." If you are such an Owl and you need a dozen more tips on how to implement it, leave this advice to yourself.
"You need to accept yourself!", "You need to believe in yourself" - and this is how? Have you provided the technology? "Stop paying attention to his words!" "Throw out of your head" - similar examples of such empty, non-working advice.
Good tips are those that can be used: the advice is practical and simple, feasible. Perhaps the prejudice against councils is born precisely because practical and really feasible advice can not be met often.
"Before you do, you need to think with your head!" - Yes, formally this advice, in reality sounds more like an accusation. "Start keeping track of time!" - a wonderful clue, but without a detailed narrative on how this can be done in reality, such advice causes in the soul of the Russian population only lasting horror...
Practical hint: check your own advice on Easy beginning: if a person can at least start (successfully start) , that you told him, you say business.
From cheap advice to expensive instructions
Our customers are very easily stumped in the game "Yes, but". Psychologists do not want to repeat the mistakes of their own clients and, like a saving mantra, they repeat to themselves and their colleagues: "Do not give advice," "Psychologists do not give advice." However, such a categorical ban - overexposure, exaggeration, the manifestation of stereotyped thinking and fears. Is the game "Yes, but?" Always answered in response to your advice. We answer: "A professional can manage this situation." How?
Instead of non-binding advice, give instructions that are binding
Advice - an optional item. You can listen to it, you can not, you can brush it off. Such optional advice is ineffective, professionals usually replace them with either indirect non-directive suggestions in the style of Ericksonian hypnosis, or directive, impressively sounding instructions. Approximately so says the doctor, when he prescribes a prescription for you, and with a specialist doctor few people argue. It is clear that without preparation of the soil your confident directive can cause such a confident protest, therefore the professional first probes the soil and prepares: he thinks with the client, calibrates his condition, looks at his emotional responses. And only when it is obvious that the soil is ready and the client is already inclined to a certain decision, he can help and dictate to him what he will now do.
Napoleon Bonaparte explained why his orders are always fulfilled: «I’ll never just give an order that will not be fulfilled." Before giving the order, he looked at people and tried on how they would react to his order. This is how real leaders act, so the wise psychologists work.
Instructions are presented as expensive
If you respect yourself as a professional, you will not give your advice and recommendations cheaply. The bottom line is not self-interest, but the fact that people are cheap - do not appreciate. If you want your recommendations to be valued by people, always indicate their value. And their main cost is the willingness of a person to change himself, to really work with himself.
For example, you can formulate it like this: «I’m ready to tell you what can help you solve your problem, but I need to understand that you are ready to work." That you came not just to talk about problems, but really do something. The question is: how much time are you willing to allocate for such a job? Call the number: the number of minutes or hours that you sign up for work every day.I promise you that the tasks that I will give you will be doable for you, you I can not promise that you will want to do all this . For example, wash the dishes - not the most fun thing, but it is necessary in any case, my job would not be contrary to morality, but you should call me the numbers: how many "..? - And do not say that for the assignment, until the client fulfills your condition.
It is clear that if the client shows such a willingness to work, you will give him seriously reasonable and working instructions. This is already your responsibility.
Then the client works and tells you about their successes, you rejoice with him, correct his work and give him the following tasks. If suddenly somewhere your instructions cease to be performed, new tasks can not be given. Here it is necessary to understand: whether the client has started to "merge", whether you went in the wrong direction. We emphasize once again: any instruction should go only after the most thorough analysis of the client’s situation. And the best analysis is the one that the psychologist does in the closest cooperation with the client.