How to teach the cause of upbringing of problem parents?
Problem parents can not cope with the tasks of education, nor with the children themselves. Children they do not bring up and because they do not know how, and more because they do not have children at all. Children are more likely to be a hindrance to life, and when children fall under their feet, they tear off their mood on them.
How to teach the cause of upbringing of problem parents? The answer is no. More precisely, as it is done now, when they write articles and conduct conversations with them, it is useless to work like this. These people do not read books, lectures and webinars do not listen, it’s useless to invest in such parents. Write articles to them and talk with them about the fact that children can not be beaten - it’s pointless, they will not hear it. Regarding problem parents, education is not required, juvenile justice is required, and this is quite a conversation that goes far beyond psychology. If you can intercept their influence on children, educate their children beyond their influence - some results are possible. At the same time, these investments are unprofitable: they are expensive, the exhaust is small or directly negative.
From orphanages, where more than twenty billion rubles are invested each year, criminals, alcoholics and drug addicts go out into Russian society today. According to official data of the Prosecutor General’s Office, only 10% of graduates of Russian state orphanages and boarding schools are adapting to life, 40% commit crimes, another 40% of graduates become alcoholics and drug addicts, and 10% commit suicide. In Singapore, this problem was decided differently: mothers who produce and abandon children offer sterilization in exchange for solving the housing problem. They give state housing. 20 years have passed - the problem was solved.
Note that in fact it is possible and necessary to work with children of such parents, but in other ways. Which ones? The only successful approach known to us is the approach of A.S. Makarenko. He turned young lazy people, thieves and bandits into decent and worthy people, but about this - below.
What to teach ordinary parents?
Middle parents with children are managed, but situationally and unevenly: once more successfully, once less, in different situations in different ways. Children are brought up stupidly, in the mood, vaguely, not really realizing what is happening, "with whom I, that I am like me", how the card will lie down. And, most importantly - in fits and starts: I’m kind of educating, but now I’m distracted by the TV, talking, doing other things and getting on with it. In a good mood, children are entertained, and when they get it - they swear. It’s the parents themselves who know that it is impossible to beat children, but - it does not work, nerves can not stand it. If the children get them hard, they can hit, then they worry. However, there is no real interest in bringing up children, they are more interested in talking about cooking (if it’s women) and sports (men).
What should we orient these middle parents? What to talk with them when it comes to raising children?
Putting the task of raising children for such parents is inadequate and not worth it. It should be noted that inept parents under the upbringing of children understand reading of notations and formidable cries: "Stop it immediately!". They think that they bring up: when they get angry, they ask "why did you do this?" And "why did not you clean it up." "Stop ceasing to educate me," they shout in response to the children. The more they bluster at children, the worse the consequences. If you demand from them: "Take care of your children’s education!", It seems there will be more harm than good: when they want, how best, they get it as always. To such parents, if they really want good to children (and to themselves), it is better to engage in the upbringing of oneself and less to molest children. The less ordinary parents raise children, the better for children. Let the children support, let the children play and be friends, let the children talk: this will be good.
For ordinary parents who do not know how to educate, it is better to remove your hands from children and simply establish normal relations with children. Do not know how to educate - do not climb. Worse actually.
Actually, along this path, modern psychologists are already going, when they give recommendations to parents about children. Traditional advice "try to understand children", "talk with children", "learn to listen to children", "just be friends with children" - are quite reasonable, as they divert such unskillful parents from the educational process to which they are actually incapable, and orient to a full useful things that help both themselves and their children.
When the recommendations are in the books: "Do not rush to tell the children. Listening more to the children "is what? Listening to children is not bringing them up? To a small extent. Listening is not making noise, listening is not arguing, listening, it’s not a hurry to say something like "think with your head", "look what you do". And when the parent stops shouting at children, stops educating, begins to listen to the children, after a while the situation is being shattered. And, maybe, the child was not brought up, but the situation in the house became better.
When yesterday’s children become parents, who can not yet cope with themselves, let them practice first and foremost non-directive upbringing. It’s like education, but not through instructions, not through directives, but education by one’s own example, support and prompting, the organization of the situation of life. Children can not say anything, but if you do exercise yourself in the morning, it is likely that children will soon be charging next to you. Without any directives, demands and notations, children take the best from us, if in us it is good. In the nondirective upbringing of upbringing, as if there is not - but it is largely happening.
Unfortunately, it happens only "in many respects", and it is impossible to overestimate the possibilities of nondirective education. Something like a child to take from you, and the ability to beautifully lie or cheerfully curse, he wants to take, interested in other samples.
Actually, to educate the children of such parents should go only gradually, as their general and psychological-pedagogical culture increases. And you need to start - from self-education: to teach yourself to live at home not only with feelings, but include your head, stop chewing yourself for accidental mistakes, learn to control your emotions, monitor your speech and, in principle, work on yourself. As success and vital needs can gradually move to more and more active management of children: to understand when the requirements are appropriate, and when requests to master the styles of Silovik, Dushki and Tactics, to learn to competently praise and criticize the "plus-help-plus" scheme, not take care of children’s manipuli, and confidently formulate their expectations for children and reinforce their desired behavior.
However, in this case, parents are no longer the middle parents. They become - advanced parents.
Advanced parents are skillful parents. They are easily managed with children and knowingly, skillfully educate them. The arising questions with children they solve for themselves it is convenient and for children it is joyful. The goals of their actions are thought out, the means are selected, the results are analyzed every time: now it’s past, now it has not passed - next time we ll correct it. Such parents have emotions under control, these parents do not break down into children. If they love children, but do not regret, because sorry and love - things are very different. These parents can be methodically demanding, and if they make a decision, they will not forget it, they will do it and bring it to the end. They are not supporters of the company: "Ah, that’s it, we are tempering the children now!" - at once they stripped the children and frost. No, they will prepare any business, and after all the best they do: weeks, months, years. They teach their children to learn, teach to think, and talk to each other: day after day, calmly and attentively. If they said something to the children, they remember it and do not forget. And the children know that if you said something, it happened. It’s not accidental, it’s not a mood, it’s not emotions, it’s a conscious position. They are conscious people, conscious parents.
And these parents can already raise children.
Parenting is different and more than child management. The obedient, controlled child is not yet fully educated child. He does what his parents expect of him, but only while he is next to them, only in a specific situation. And if you step aside, the child will do his, not yours. He himself is not yet a carrier of your habits and views, not a carrier of values that you would like the child to have. Raising a child is an accustomed to a way of life, views and habits so that it becomes for your child. A well-educated child does not just do what is needed, he became different, he became an adult, caring, thinking, for him it is internally natural to be honest. For him, what is needed from him is important.
Ordinary parents raise their children only indirectly and only nondirectively, only by their example and way of life. It’s a lot, but that’s not all. You can educate and directive, demanding, and this is always a risk. Is it possible for advanced parents? Yes, you can. Advanced parents can do anything. These parents do not need to tie their hands together.
Unfortunately, I have to write about this. A.S. Makarenko all his life fought off the raids of traditional pedagogy: his technique worked tremendously effectively, but the teachers claimed: "The methods are not those!" He was accused of authoritarianism, planting of a discipline, disrespect for the child’s personality - in all mortal sins.
Again: smart parents can do anything. They are masters. They know their children, their own characteristics and their capabilities. If such parents choose directive education, they can do it. If they can do it - it is effective, it is most effective, it gives the best results. So, to normal parents, we recommend not to molest children, and if you are engaged in upbringing, then it is the most non-directive. And other parents say something else: "Why are you afraid of your own children? This is whose family, whose territory, whose children? Forward! You’re smart, you can! More courageous! Children will say "thank you" for this.