After returning from the VVS in 2013 my 12-year-old son often repeated: "Positive, constructive, responsible" ... However, to the question what he puts into the notions of "constructive" and "responsibility", he could not say anything distinct. I had to do explanations. He nodded ...
Six months passed. He’s already thirteen. To my surprise, he sometimes began to ask me the question: "Why did you tell me this, for what purpose?"
A few months ago, he once again made an attempt to agree on a possible option for purchasing a tablet. Despite the fact that I categorically stated that I would not buy him a given gadget, he did not lose hope and continued to search for a breach in "my defense." Another attempt sounded like this: he will earn money promoter (we allow him to earn extra money - as a reward for good grades) and buy a gadget for his earned.
Once again, I refused him, explaining that before years my mother and I will decide what he can own, what you can buy and what not, etc. He, of course, has the right to participate in discussions, but we have the right to "veto" if we can not agree ...
The son was upset, but did not give up. "Why do many of my peers have a tablet for a long time, but I do not. Why, why, why ??? "
" We will allow you not only to purchase gadgets and give more freedom in other matters if we see that you have learned to control yourself. That is, you are not controlled by your immediate "want": play computer games, watch TV, etc. ... Or "nehochuhi" - do not make the bed, do not clean the room, do not fill the diary ... When before you do something or not done, you will answer the question: why and for what I do it, or do not. Then we can, as parents, allow you to make independent decisions on a wider range of issues. "
"Good! Said the son. - It’s easy. Count, I already control myself! "
In the morning before the school, we went into his bedroom with the words:" Son, do you control yourself? So you have order in the room? "
From that day on, we consciously solved all the tasks that our son has solved with the extent to which he controls himself. Order in the room, personal hygiene, lessons, dog care, etc. As a result, now we do not have to remind ourselves of what we had to repeat about every day several times. But the main thing is that it pleases that now he is actually examining many issues through the prism of the "why" questions, what it will give him.
So very recently the son once again asked him to buy him a new book "Metro 2033 " or "STALKER". He read them twenty or thirty pieces. I offered him a compromise: he will read V. Pikul "I have the honor", and then I will buy him "STALKER". He agreed. One evening he came to my bedroom and joyfully informed me that I had read the book of V. Pikul and asked: "Will you buy me tomorrow" STALKER "?" I replied, that we’ll talk tomorrow morning on the way to school. The son pricked up his ears, and with the words "Looks like they cheated me!" Left.
On the way to school, I immediately indicated that I did not give up the promise I had made, but asked to discuss first one question, and then the decision to buy the next "STALKER" would still remain for him. Then he asked him, as a self-controlling person, to answer the question: why would he read the book "STALKER", spend time on it, and I will spend money, what will she give him? He replied that reading this book would bring him pleasure. "You see, again," I want ", and the benefit is zero! In the books "Port Arthur", "Honor", "Les Miserables", which you read, describes real historical events and characters. If from these books you learn about the history of your country, you see examples of the heroic behavior of our compatriots, besides interesting, close to reality scenes also give pleasure, then "STALKER", in my look, at least an empty, useless pastime, tearing you away from real life."
After our discussion, the son in his heart said:" How bad it is to have a psychologist’s dad! Another 15 minutes I wanted the book "STALKER", but now I do not want it. Okay, let’s discuss what next book I’ll be reading? "
It’s nothing that I have to tell him, but the beginning has been made.
This article has left few people indifferent, various comments - the sea. Before you leave your comment, the editorial board of Psihologos recommends reading the thoughts of psychologist Natalya Dvorkina:
"An important and necessary article, in my opinion!" In most commentaries, the discussion is centered around two topics: the prohibition of buying a gadget and reading books for pleasure, but the article says much
The first: the son himself began to ask the pope: "He sometimes began to ask me the question:" Why did you tell me this, for what purpose? "- that is, the conversation that started much earlier and already brings results.
Second: the father is ready to negotiate with his son, if I correctly understood the author. But it is to negotiate, listen to reasoned arguments, and not just "I want!"
Third: the son "once again asked" - that is, before that they met him and gave the opportunity to "read just for the sake of pleasure." However, at the age of 13, it is already time to make an informed choice. At least, honestly tell yourself: "This is what I do solely for the sake of pleasure, and there’s no use in it."
Fourth: the father associated the purchase of gadgets with the boy’s self-control. And the boy agreed to this! Moreover, it was realized! Dear colleagues, is it not the ability to control oneself, one’s actions, one’s desires, and the ability to make an informed choice - some of the signs of an adult person? In my opinion just like that. In this case, the father brings up the very same adulthood, which sometimes is not enough in adults, it would seem, people.
And the fifth: there was no ban on the book! Look carefully at the last paragraph. "How bad it is to have a psychologist’s dad! Another 5 minutes I wanted the book "STALKER", but now I do not want it. Okay, let’s discuss what next book I’ll be reading? "It seems that this is not a ban, but a reorientation of desires. You can after all read a book at once and with pleasure and with benefit.
Moreover, the article ends with the fact that the son is ready to discuss the next book. Father and son talk and agree, the boy learns to think, argue, make decisions and bear responsibility for them. Lovely women, but are not these qualities we want to see in men? We want, but in fact such qualities do not fall from the sky, they must be educated. Is it possible to do it somehow differently? Maybe yes. Most likely, there are different ways of education, and each parent has his own experience. Alexander Nekrasov shares his experience with us, and I am grateful to him for this. "
Later a very informative letter from Svetlana Kononova came:
" Alexander, you’re done. At 12, your son is already thinking about seriousness, growing in an atmosphere where it is customary, where to be responsible for his decisions is the norm. Where "I want and I like" is not sufficient argument in the pressure on the parent, where the question "Why do you need this?" What is the meaning? What inspired you? What will you get? " are asked seriously and the answers to them are also taken seriously. Keep it up! Maybe I will not help you in any way, but I can give a little sketch of what your position can give. Not you, your son.
Raising responsibility is not an easy task and not for one year. I’m not speaking from an empty place, my eldest son six months ago turned 18, he began to live separately, study and work. Six months passed and you can see the first results of all our "scours" on the ground "I want, but you do not give," "why do you decide for me," and other statements in the same spirit from the son addressed to me.
So: "Up to 18 years we (adults) will decide what you own and what to buy ..."
Yes, that’s right. We take care of him, and he is a guardian (it was in this spirit that we talked with controversial issues until his th birthday). As soon as he does not need guardianship (time), and as soon as the law removes this obligation from us (adults) (two), the right of decisions is transferred to him (the son). My goal as a parent is to do everything to make it happen at least later than . If we (I and my son) want him to make decisions earlier, then I have to do everything to make sure that they have been weighed and reasoned. "
He has the right to participate in the discussions ... but we (the parents) have the right to" veto "
The fact, if the argument of the son would be in the matters of gadgets and other things stronger than ours, he would get what he wanted. Sometimes he was . Fact.
Now he is 18 and I see how intelligently he manages the money. "He did not have anything from" wanty "to him, only" bastards "for half a year, although he earns money for all this himself. I help "to study", but 3 thousand a month for a young man taking a room (we have 4 thousand minimum) and (eating, dressing ...) alone, you will agree, only for insurance and "support of pants." True, he knows that he can call and ask for lunch :-)) .This will help me around the house. Yes, they are (for sure!), because society screams with all the might of the mass media. "Want !!! You must have it !!! "But if a person has a question inside," Why? For what? And why should this be done just for me and right now? "- decisions are much easier to take in spite of the emotions of the society." There is no such breaking and burning tears from the common misfortune of life in the soul. "
About the books, or, if you let me generalize," buy me something for pleasure. "Not long ago, son said: I’ll buy myself any book, the main thing is that it should be good." That’s it, in big letters, and said. "So the balls are spinning in my head, cutting off the mud and" soap "from the present, from that , that touches the soul, teaches, makes you think .I am not only about books, but about everything else, everything that can be " it’s just to kill time so it’s not boring. "He does not have the Internet, but he watched what films came to me to download. Set, I’ll say, hmm ..." Time "," Law-abuser "," Hatiko " , "Hunger Games", "Butterfly Effect" ... Somehow in 18 years seriously .. Let’s not books, movies, but that’s not simple. I watched them-an ambiguous impression, there is something to think about ... But it seems to me , that at 18 I did not have something to think about, but my son has ... Maybe this is also from there? From the fact that time is empty for emptiness? From the fact that there is understanding, what is the matter, and what is empty?
I remember how sometimes it was difficult for him to explain why he would not have this, why he should ask himself this thrice-thrusted question: "What is it for you?". To be honest, it was sometimes painful for me to look at his suffering eyes emotionally ... I clung literally with my teeth for my conviction: So it is necessary ... It must be a conscious understanding, and not swim along the river with your own (and your own, Do you want? "Now I see that the son is not a chipper, he is not carrying it, he is swimming, thinks, plans life ...
So, Alexander, let’s think about the fact that we wish our children happiness. , good, strong and built by them. Good luck and thanks for the article! "