Автор: Э.В. Гончарова, психолог, коуч
Видеоблог на YouTube

Different schools of counseling. Which one to choose?

I am often asked the question - how is the consultation in the style of Syntone approach differs from that of representatives of other psychological schools.

I always reply that we initially try to rely on common sense. We do not rush to look for any hidden inferior causes of problems that are inaccessible to man for his comprehension, but which are supposedly acutely necessary for the analysis of his conflicting behavior and conflicting feelings. We, the practical psychologists of the synthon approach, suggest not to dig into assumptions about possible vague reasons, but suggest that a person turn on his head and start acting reasonably. And where it does not work at once - learn this. We do not cure, but teach, relying on ordinary common sense.

To further understand what tools practical psychologists of different schools work, I offer you two answers to the same query:


"Good afternoon! I ask for your help. My relationship with a man went far. Now I’m afraid of the correctness of the actions of my actions. There was uncertainty - whether he needed me or not. Secondly, he suffers pain for his wife, that she was left alone. I will blame myself and count guilty. Tell me your advice. "

A representative of one of the psychological schools

"This is the reverse side of the relationship in the love triangle.

First, when a woman is in the position of a Mistress - she consciously sincerely wants to become the wife of this man. And he does everything possible (and impossible) to make this happen.

In this case, all the FEELING FEELINGS Wife experiences - just eyes close.

And if the power of Wife’s energy from the mistress starts to increase, and in the real wife of this man Wife energy was not enough - the Mistress wins.

It seems that it’s time to rejoice...

But it was not there...

Feelings never go away. We can stop them inside ourselves. We can freeze them for as long as our strengths are enough to keep this cold. We can ignore them. And to say to myself: "It only seemed to you."

Only this they do not cease to exist.

They continue to remind themselves of themselves. And they do not allow us to enjoy the happiness that we have longed for.

And most importantly the feeling you have to face is guilt.

Let’s look at this situation not from the point of view of the outside world. And (God forbid), not from the standpoint of condemning anyone in the love triangle.

Let’s look at it from the point of view -


Inside, there is a part of us that can be called a Wife. And inside there is a part of us that can be called a Mistress. And of course, inside there is the image of the ideal man, which we are looking for outside, in the outer world.

And then there’s the Monster.

And the inner figure of this monster does not allow the inner figure of the Mistress to be happy in the outer world. She stands behind the guard and then whispers, then she yells: "You have no right to happiness!"

And if suddenly the mistress’s inner position becomes stronger, the Monster begins to speak more quietly. BUT! Until everything happened in reality. Namely, until in reality a woman does not stay with her beloved man.

And now the worst happens. The monster starts yelling angrily: "WHAT DID YOU DO? How dare you? Do not you feel sorry for her? "And so on and so forth.

Who is a Monster?

It’s feelings. These are neglected negative feelings. Rage. Anger. Disappointment. Hate. Guilt. Insults. Shame ...

Well, why am I telling you all this? Moreover, from the point of view of the inner world, when in reality you are very, very bad in reality.

Hear me now.

You feel sorry for NOT the real, real wife of your man (more precisely not only her). You feel sorry for yourself when you were in this role. When you were left alone. When you lacked love. When you cried in the pillow.

I have two tips for you.

First. Pity yourself. Tell yourself how you understand yourself - how painful and difficult it was for you. And how much you feel guilty now. Talk to yourself longer. Do a healing exercise. Do and do. One day is not enough. At least a week.

The second tip. Warning - without the first act will not. First you carry out the first advice. Then the second.

Call your husband’s ex-wife. And ask her for forgiveness. Tell me - as you understand it. You understand all her pain. And you sincerely regret that you were on her way. That her man actually turned out to be your man. Yes, such things happen in life. This does not make it less painful.

However, it is important for us to recognize the very fact of pain.

Most likely it will splash out on you all its aggression. Allow her that. This will be her medicine. And thus, you can atone for your guilt. Let her scream at you as much as she likes.

Will (for her) is not at all good, if she can not even scream.

In response to all of her words, you have to answer one thing: "Yes, of course. I’m truly sorry."

One more warning.

If you are insincere, you will not succeed.

Be sincere. And then you can atone for your guilt. You can give your ex-wife your freedom - freedom to choose another man for yourself. You can become truly happy in your union.

With faith in your happiness, S.M."

I repeat the question:

"Good afternoon! I ask for your help. My relationship with a man went far. Now I’m afraid of the correctness of the actions of my actions. There was uncertainty - whether he needed me or not. Secondly, he suffers pain for his wife, that she was left alone. I will blame myself and count guilty. Tell me your advice."

My answer, as a representative of Syntone approach, is:

"To torment yourself with pain for his wife, that she was left alone, it is not necessary, you first need to seriously understand whether you and the man with whom you are thinking to associate your destiny are doing quite decently. If you just seduced the man and took him away from a decent woman, then this is mean. And the question is not in feelings, but in dishonesty. If that wife is a lazy person and a drug addict who is walking and not wanting children, then he does not need to live with her, and your conscience must be clean.

Another thing is to find out if you need this man or not. Here I would advise you to weigh all the pros and cons that appear in your life with the transition of this man from the role of lover to the role of husband. Requirements for lovers and mistresses, as a rule, do not coincide with the requirements for husbands and wives, so lovers, more often than not, are equipped with the qualities of a lover, not a husband.

So think again: is your lover suitable for the role of husband. To do this, describe what is important to you from your husband (Good friend? Protection and support? Father for children?), And note whether there are these distinctive features from your lover.

At the same time, think about the fact that this man will also have obligations to that woman and, probably, to the children: this all of life will not go anywhere, time, money and nerves will still go away. Think about it all.

And be sure to check how much you match his ideas about the ideal wife. Is he not mistaken in you, trying on you a new role, being in the rose-colored glasses of love? Ask what skills he expects from a woman in family life. By the way, not only him, but also other men, similar to him type (temperament, education, social belonging). Questionnaire "Fundamentals of the family contract" - will help you.

Well, the last. The more you walk with a confused look and guilty feelings, the harder it will be for you to build relationships and make decisions. Shake yourself, smile and start thinking. You will succeed!".

Different schools of counseling. Continuation

Friends, I continue to offer you a comparative solution of requests - in the style of the Sinton approach and in the style of other psychological schools:

Question: "I used to have big problems with guys. I could not build a relationship, they broke off at the stage of retention. Worked with a psychoanalyst, he identified my fears from childhood. I worked with them on the method of Sinelnikov. And it seems as if on the horizon a man appeared at first sight quite good. Fell in love, at the speed of marriage. The first year of life was awesome and happy. I was very happy ... "See →

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