Автор: Н.И. Козлов

Languages ​​of respect. How to love real men?

According to the memoirs, Lieutenant-General Aleksey Ivanovich Vetrov was very calm and not very visible at home. At home, his wife, Irina, a Don Cossack by blood and character, hot and alive, always created a whirlwind around herself and easily found herself in the center of any company. But suddenly Alexey Ivanovich would call her quietly, say a few soft words to her, and she would react instantly: "Yes, my dear, of course, now we’ll fix everything!". Irina knew how to treat her husband. Alexei Ivanovich is a military officer, four times wounded during the Great Patriotic War, built a nuclear test site, created a nuclear shield of our country…

Happy families live simply, in good families between husband and wife, there is love and respect. The husband comes home from work - his wife is in a hurry to meet him, and dinner is already ready. This is the love of her husband, and respect for him. And her husband brought her wages and flowers, and embraced her mother, and confessed to her for the second time how he needed him, how he appreciated her, how wonderful and sweet she was. This is respect for his wife, and love for her.

This article is for good families, where the spouses can and want to share the signs of love and respect. Sometimes we love each other, but we do not know how to express it. If, dear women, you once really want to convey to your beloved, how precious it is to you, how you love and appreciate it, then here you will find many useful and simple tips. If, dear men, you once want to explain to your beloved woman how she should love you correctly, you will find here the appropriate formulations for this.

The first thing you need to know: it is more important for women to feel love, and men are more important than respect. This does not mean that women do not care about respect, and men do not need love - that’s not true, but there is a difference between men and women. As Vasily Osipovich Klyuchevsky wrote, "Men usually love those women who are respected, women respect men they love." Women begin to complain of a lack of respect for them when they feel a lack of love, while they forgive some contempt for themselves when they feel the sincere and ardent love of a man. Men are "turned" in respect: if a man does not respect a woman, however much she is desirable and attractive to him, his feelings toward her will not last long. On the other hand, if a man feels real respect for himself, he will rather calmly react to the absence of the wife’s warm love in his direction, but if he sees her disrespect, it can easily arise claims "You do not love me!".

Second: the languages ​​of love and respect are different. In sex, in a passionate erotic impulse, you can easily see love, but not respect. When a woman looks at her sickly husband with warm pity, her love is easily read in her eyes, but many men are enraged: "Do not feel sorry for me and treat me like a sick man!". For a man, this is disrespect.

And the third - love can be "for nothing" and "in spite of ...", true respect is just deserved. If a man is not respected by his wife, he should ask himself: what have I earned this respect for? A wise woman can sometimes give her husband respect in advance, but the general rule remains: a man of self-respect must deserve real deeds. If a woman, and specifically a wife, wants her beloved and dear husband to see and feel to herself her respect, she needs to know some significant things. They are not obvious, they do not pass in the school, they come to women with experience in life, and sometimes it’s too late.

The language of respect for a man is simple enough and understandable. This is

Respect for his power.

Self-respecting men consider it necessary that all important things the wife discuss with him, and react very sharply to any moments when something is not agreed with him. If a friend calls her: "Shall we go to the exhibition on Saturday?", It is better to approach your husband and consult. And the situation: "Oh, and I already agreed with a friend!" can easily cause an unnecessary scandal. Probably, it’s not worth it.

For a woman it is important when in a man there is always protection and support. But then it needs to be deployed in the opposite direction: in any situation, the wife is always on the side of her husband. If he was wrong, let it be a discussion later and in a format not of criticism, but a desire to understand it.

Perhaps, in your opinion, he was too rigidly tidying up the house when the children were embarrassed: all in tears and nerves. Perhaps he was wrong, but now you need to say: "Children, dad need to obey!", And with dad talk later, already without children. As far as he is right, you will understand it without hurry, and it will be easier to sort out if you first ask him what he thinks about what happened, whether he considers his actions successful and whether he expected from you what help.

Next to a real man, a woman lives comfortably. This man is reliable, loving, caring and hardworking, bringing home money and always ready to help his wife at home. A real man is a dream for a woman, but in return such a man is waiting for him to be respected. That is, they obey.

«Dear, it’s time for us to leave." "Yes, dear, I’m sorry: everything, I’m going." And really left all the other cases, immediately got up. The husband called - you have to go.

A real man expects that in response to his order on the case the wife does everything at once, without disputes, discussions and comments. For most men who have passed through the army, this is not self-assertion, but a natural way of life: "It is said - done!". The difficulty is that men do not always understand how difficult it is for a woman. She is ready to do it, but not instantly, not as in the army, but at a convenient moment. And for a man, such delay is disrespect for him.

Understand, this is your natural phrase "I am now!" for a man - it’s a red rag and a challenge. You actually ask him: "Well, wait a minute, I really need to finish this!", And he hears in this another: "Do not command!" and regards it as disrespect to himself.


For men "It is said - done!" means "The command is executed immediately".


Therefore, if the issue is not fundamental or, even more so, it is already discussed, then let it be: "He said - I did." At once.

On the other hand, why for example in the morning go without breakfast, as her husband wants, if you still have to stop on the road and eat anywhere? Yes, it is better to discuss, but in what form? In the beginning - a general agreement, after that, please again think: "Native, we will do everything as you say, and we’ll leave on time." Can I just think for a minute? " - He will say "You can!", After that you can discuss.

Again, if you are convinced that in this particular case haste is not justified and do not solve anything for a couple of minutes, then in reply to the husband’s command, you can say to him: "Yes, of course." Say, maybe in a couple of minutes, I would like to would be removed from the table? ". Most likely, he will answer calmly "Yes!", And then everything is fine. But if suddenly he says: "Please, do it now!", Then really it is necessary to fulfill his request right now. Go stand up and do it right away. And then hug him and say: "You’re my darling!"

What for? For what? "And just in this case, the next time he will speak more softly and less command."

Respect for the values ​​of her husband.

A real man is a man with worthy values, and if you love him, you naturally respect what is so dear to him. His work, his moral convictions, his political views - this is not for him children’s toys, it’s his heart and his continuation. Respect for the values ​​of men is respect for him. You are not obliged to understand all the affairs of your husband, but an intelligent woman will never, even in a difficult conflict, allow herself to speak out about her husband’s values ​​disrespectfully. On the contrary, the more you are interested in what is dear to him, the more your relationship will be strengthened.

The most vivid and limiting version of this behavior is the behavior of Chekhov’s Dushechka. If Dushechka is married to Kukin, all her soul is in theatrical affairs, when behind Pustovalov - for her there is nothing more important than timber trade, if she lives with a regimental vet, the plague of cattle is already very important ... Note: completely dissolve in the interests of the husband is also wrong, it is best if you share all the values ​​of the husband, but also have your own interests.

Men are uncomfortable when someone comes into their territory. Please do not put things in order on the husband’s desk, do not throw out his things and do not comment on his habits, if his habits are dear to him.

His habits are he. However, if you first talk and find out that he does not like some habits himself, and he would be glad of your help to get rid of them, the situation is easier. Suppose his inclination to eat tightly in the evening weighs on him, then together think about what your help might be. A real man with all will manage himself, you will need only admire his perseverance and perseverance.

One of the most difficult questions is the question of faith. There are people atheists, there are believers, and among believers there are many different denominations. And what to do here? In most traditional religions: in Orthodoxy, and in Islam, if the wife respects the values ​​of her husband, she adheres to her husband’s faith. If you chose to be a believer, then it is accepted by believers. If the husband has a secular outlook, then the wife respecting her husband will not have children to church, if it is important for her husband to formulate a scientific mentality in children, the wife will not tell the children about signs and superstitions.

Will it always be so strict? Of course, no, because this is also determined by the faith of her husband. If the husband believes that the wife can believe in something of his own - it means that she can believe in something of her own. If, for her husband, his views and values ​​are fundamental, the only option for a normal family life is to accept his views and values.

Respect for the mind of her husband.

Women solve most of the problems either at the level of common sense, or listening to their heart, and men decide everything by force or head. The last, probably, all the same it is better, especially if the man clever. The mind of a man excites a woman sometimes as well as his smell and determination, however, it’s also not easy to live with an intelligent man. Solving questions, such men lose their sense of humor and demand that they be talked with exceptionally sensibly. Such clever men require women to remove unnecessary feelings, unnecessary long forewords and speak clearly and in the matter: what is at stake, what concerns her, what she offers and why. This is a thesis, this is the argument. This is the language of men, it is difficult for most women to say so. Maybe that’s why when a woman copes with her feelings and talks to her husband that way, is it so expensive for a man? Then he feels real respect for himself?

Here is a sample of the behavior that men are waiting for: the wife does not take a great interest in the conversation, does not speak for a long time, and in all important places asks: "What do you think?"

Please note: she distracted from her thoughts and feelings, she remembered her husband and asked his opinion. He finally felt that his opinion was important to her.

When the husband began to speak, his wise wife listens to him and does not interrupt. Expressing her thoughts, she formulates them more softly, without categorical, but expresses feelings only those for which the husband will be grateful to her. Yes, it’s not always easy, it’s true, not all men deserve it: but a woman loves her man, she wants to find those words and phrases that will please him.

Next to intelligent men, it is very important to be able to restrain one’s feelings. When discussing difficult issues, women’s tears of men are only pulled and annoyed, and so that this does not happen, you need to be able to turn off unnecessary experiences, to speak only calmly and sensibly. Indeed, experiences are of little help in finding a solution, and a man will appreciate you more. Recall: "Men love only those women whom they respect."

Respect for the efforts and time of her husband.

If the husband is not a slacker, then his wise wife in vain, for nothing, does not distract him. She does not bother him when he is busy with important things. This is not a joke: many men work at home, and if it is now busy, then it does not really need to be torn off. Often a man wants to move himself and talk with his wife and help her, but if he is busy right now or he just needs to be alone, it’s better to wait or do something that you can handle.

Women need to understand that a real man is an active being, and everything his wife tells him, he meets with an internal question: "What should I do in this situation?" Yes, the woman wants to share; Yes, it is perfectly natural for a woman to tell what is on her mind, especially since she is burdensome - during this time she is freed from the fact that she is burdened. It seems to her that listening and sympathizing is simple and natural! However, for a man this is not so. A real man is charged with business, so women need to monitor themselves and not tell him about the problems with which it is unclear what to do. When a man hears a story about problems, he takes it as a question to himself: "What will you do to solve this?" And if he does not understand how this is being done, he feels himself not at ease, inadequate and simply not- man.

A man is grateful to him for his efforts, and if you love him, it will be easy for you once again (or not superfluous?) To remember what he did for you and did and thank him for it. Yes, he was tired last week, but he took you to the dacha and there he helped a lot. Thank you! For a man - this is a very serious sign of respect for him.

Everyone has failures. Men do not show how they experience it, but in such cases one should not believe his apparent calmness. A man will appreciate if you support him in a difficult situation and do without reproaches: if he understands that you have managed to restrain yourself, this tells him that you respect him.

Well, the eternal question of money. A loving man is pleased to bring money home and give them to his wife: "Native, can you manage to spend it?", While a wise wife does not waste her husband’s money, she knows that money is infected with a lot of work, and appreciates the work of a man who cares for her and the family . This is respect for a man.

Respect for the order that the husband supports.

A woman is sufficient, the man is important order: well-considered rules that were set by him (or him along with his wife). Men love to establish their own rules, and if the wife of his rules supports, he feels respect for himself.

Why do not you once again ask your husband’s opinion how to do it right? The wiser the woman, the more often she consults with her husband. In response, a wise man supports his wife in her decisions and does not climb onto the wife’s territory unnecessarily. On a common territory the spouses decide the issues together, but if it is difficult to agree, the decision is made by the head of the family - the husband.

When respect is mutual, when the husband and wife are partners, all common family issues are discussed together. Nevertheless, in any discussions there are questions where the husband and wife will always have some differences. For example, in the views on the upbringing of children, women are usually softer, men are more strict, in women, love for children is more often unconditional ("I love you as you are!", Men are more demanding ("If you are my son, learn to be a man!"). on the one hand, to continue to talk and seek understanding, on the other hand, to accept the husband’s right to make the most important family decisions. "Why? Because real men really only participate in what they agree with. if you have such a wonderful husband, that the questions in children are important for him (this is not so often found), then in case of serious disagreements, it is reasonable for the wife to accept her husband’s position.

If it is really important for the man to bring up children, it is important for him to see that the children grow in the way he wants. men begin to get away from raising children, which is undesirable. Mother for the child is the source of life, father is the law, and the father in the family, as the source of law and order, is necessary in the family.

Another important circumstance: men need to pronounce everything with words. When women talk, it is natural for them to simply listen, feel, experience and share what has arisen in the soul in response to what she heard. Women often understand everything from a half-word, and they do not need superfluous words. And men need to say everything in words - and clearly. Lovely women, if your husband has seriously asked for something, it is important for him to make sure that the request is heard exactly as he formulated it, and will be performed when he expects. Therefore, if you heard a husband’s request, refer to it in the format that the man expects - they responded, repeated, maybe even recorded - and did. And when they did, they said so. All, the man is satisfied, because to his words you treated with respect.

Some women adhere to the tactics: "I do not mind my husband, I agree with him aloud, but I do everything in my own way." This has its own worldly wisdom, it’s better than constant objections and bickering. However, in couples where people really love each other, there is not only diplomacy, but also honesty, and if the spouses have agreed on something, now both of them observe this order. Women have a more relaxed attitude to agreements: "Well, they agreed, but circumstances change?", But men are arranged differently, and for him these are not new circumstances, but violation of agreements and disrespect for him.

It is clear that agreements must be implemented, but it is not always easy. You have agreed to walk every evening or go to fitness on Saturday, but in the evening the sofa whispers "Relax," and on Saturday the mood is not right, and there are many cases. If a man here is lazy and "draining", it is, as you know, not quite a man, and if you repeatedly sabotage the sports initiatives of the husband, he does not understand that you are tired, but perceive it as a disrespect to him. What to do? Fulfill that agreed. My husband said "Come on!", Then - smiled and go. And on the road you can talk about something more flexible for the future.

If you agreed on something important and agreed seriously, and then you violated the agreement, do not be angry, you can be punished. If a man is responsible for the family as a whole, he is obliged to maintain order in it, that is, if necessary, use sanctions. It is important: the difference between a reasonable head of the family and a self-affirming male is that all these sanctions in case of a serious violation on his part can be applied to him.

A real man is proud of his woman, if she is not afraid of him, but respects both herself and him.

Respect for strength and status.

Women really want to hear words in which a man will express his admiration to them. Men also need words, they also want to hear admiration for themselves, but they need admiration for something else: one that talks about their merits, achievements and superiority, their intelligence, strength and status. Earlier it was called "thanksgiving" and it was pleasant to men always.

As John Gray writes, "Just as a woman needs the devotion of a man, he needs her admiration. To admire a man is to look at him with delight, joyful surprise, approval and pleasure." He feels the admiration of the partner when she is happily impressed by discovering there is some special quality or talent in it: it can be a sense of humor, strength, purposefulness, integrity of nature, honesty, romanticism, kindness, love, understanding and other so-called old-fashioned virtues. to acquire enough confidence to faithfully devote himself to a woman and adore her. "

Men are warriors, if you like - fighters, they like to win and want to always be the first. With this it is difficult, but it causes respect and in any case it needs to be taken into account. If a woman emphasizes that her husband is a winner, her husband is the first, his heart will be with her.

Here are the worldly trivia: when a husband comes home, he claims to be in the first place to himself. This means: get away from other things, quickly go to meet him, your face glows brightly, your eyes are attentive, you are ready to feed it and listen. When he sat down at the table, it was his first attention: he had to feed his husband first, the children would wait.

This is unusual, but it should be so. The principle: "All the best - to adults, the husband - the head of the family, the husband in the first place" - builds strong and reasonable relations in the family, many educational questions in the family are solved easier, by themselves.

If a man wants to talk and talk out, he needs to be listened to, even if there is a TV series now and children need attention. If in bed a man is waiting for sex, and you are in thoughtfulness - give him sex: most likely, then you will not regret, but for a man, in his attitude, this is also a moment of respect for him.

In some issues, you understand better than men, but men do not like it when they are pointed to it. Until a man asks, do not teach him how best to clean his shoes or, even more so, how his car should stand in the parking lot: it’s not just disrespect to him, it’s an attempt on his status. Try not to interfere with his life and do not correct it, even if he is wrong. Do not tell me when they do not ask. Do not help until you turn.

If he flies his own mistake, it’s normal for him, but if you tell him by his mistake, it can end both of you sadly enough.

For a woman to regret is to express love and warmth. For a man to regret is to humiliate him, fixing him in weakness and helplessness. Do not make such a mistake and do not feel sorry for a man: instead always demonstrate an unshakable certainty that sooner or later he will cope with all difficulties. And please be careful with diminutive naming: men usually do not like to be treated like small children. "Lapusya", "Kotik" and feed with a spoon - sometimes under the mood and can go, but it’s like pink bows: girls are happy, men do not go, and once they cause them irritation. Over time, they get used to it and it heats, but it does not come immediately. As in everything, patience is needed here.


So, remember:

For women love is important, for men - respect.


If the wife of her husband loves and respects, then everything written in this article for her is easy and natural. Because next to her - a real man, the most worthy man in the world!

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