Gestalt therapists follow F.Perlz not only in therapy, but actively translate their views and ideology, including pedagogical articles. The editorial board of the Psychologist has this ideology not at all close, but if readers want to know the Gestalt approach from afar, then their typical theses are as follows.
• For children - unconditional love!
• Obedience to children is a dangerous signal.
• Listening to your feelings is more important than listening to your head!
• To suppress emotions is harmful, so allow children any negative emotions.
• The society and parents suppress the personality of the child, impose on him the values of others.
• "Good children" are problem children! Children should be natural, and not like what they would like to see adults!
If this is correlated with the models of upbringing, then the closest it is to the ideology "Pure field, dense forest: natural upbringing", but without reinforcement of desired behavior and with provocations for permissiveness.
Here is one of the most standard articles, which hundreds on the Internet. To the basic theses of such a gestalt-pedagogy we allowed ourselves to give references to the articles of the Psychologist, where we give our vision of these questions.
The obedient child is an occasion for anxiety, Gestalt therapy states.
Further a direct quote:
Very often one can hear from moms or dads: "Our child is so naughty!" For some reason, everyone is worried about the fact that the child is "naughty" when he really worries when the child is too problem-free and complaisant. The child is almost perfect: polite, obliging, almost never violates the prohibitions ... Well, very comfortable baby! But will a happy, successful and healthy person grow out of such an obedient child? To answer this question, you first need to understand why the child is overly obedient. If the matter is in the peculiarities of his temperament, then it is good. But this obedience can be forced, when it is a consequence of a certain style of parenting (too rigid or, conversely, hyperopeptic). In this case, it is necessary to change something ... It’s not too late.
The position of the syntone approach is different: the first and absolutely natural task of reasonable parents is to take care of the child’s being listened to. So he will save his life, and quickly learn with life’s tasks. If the child does not obey his parents, he still listens to someone and takes an example from someone, but if for him the authority is not parents, but friends in kindergarten or random Internet sites - dear parents, do you consider it normal that in fact your child is brought up by strangers and not the most intelligent people? Did you have such a plan for your child? Total, teach the child to listen and listen to you.
To any emotions - a green light!
Further a direct quote from the article of a Gestalt therapist:
A docile child thinks: "If I get angry, then my father and mother are upset." And he forbids himself to show negative emotions at all (and they are worried about everything!) Yes, the kid corresponds to the expectations of others, but after all the negative is not going away, he just gets pushed inside. And then accumulates, turning into an internal aggression, which weakens the immunity of the child and he simply "goes to the disease." Moreover, in addition and self-esteem falls. So, what to do? Allow the child to experience negative emotions and necessarily teach the child correctly to express them (you can beat a pillow, tear a newspaper or in a deserted place loudly scream). And parents should not be just "dress-up", you have to be different, "alive."
Yes, if a person does not know how to control his emotions, if emotions sometimes overwhelm him, then it’s better to throw them out in a safe way, at least not to people and not turning it into a tradition, since the habit of spilling out negative emotions does not lead to liberation from such emotions, but to psychopathic behavior. However, from the point of view of the syntone approach, there are more interesting perspectives, namely, to learn how to control your emotions at first and then control them. Do you control your own hands? Similarly, you can learn to manage and your emotions, and in this case you do not need to spill anything out. Spill out - bad emotions. And you, like an emotionally developed person, will have emotions only those that you and others need, which please you and support others.
Love for the child must be unconditional, Gestalt therapists are convinced.
Very often the child is afraid of being "bad" because his parents can fall out of love. This happens when the love of the pope or mother directly depends on the diligence of the home and the success in the school. He is worth a little stumbling - he is scolded (and it is his, and not a misdemeanor: "Again the deuce, that’s confusing! And to whom is this?"), And the child must very much try again "to earn" the favor of adults. Ultimately, the child prefers not to risk, do not stick out and do everything mediocre ... But how can he succeed in the future in the future? What to do? Even in the most difficult situation, let’s understand the child that you are on his side and accept him as he is.
This has its own truth: swearing at children is not healthy. But this does not mean that unconditional acceptance is a panacea. Think over different models of upbringing, and perhaps the model "A spacious house with a development line" will attract you more than the model "Pure field, thick forest: natural upbringing."
Children must make their own decisions about their own lives.
This position is stated as follows:
There is another kind of "overly obedient" - children who are used to what everyone does and decides for them. Yes, it’s safer - parents always know how best .. But the habit of following someone else’s hints in the future can lead to the child’s dependency on other people, and even to other addictions, such as game or alcohol. Again the question: what to do? First of all, adults should realize that the desires and needs of the child can differ from ours, adults - and this is normal! Give the kid his personal space, the right to make a mistake. Absolutely in all situations, still can not be a "safety cushion". So it’s better to do everything "together", and not "instead of".
In our opinion, this is an excellent position, but with one caveat: independent decision-making about one’s own life is not the beginning of education, but what the child needs to be led to. If you start raising a child from giving him full independence in making decisions, the child will not benefit from this, but will suffer. If a child goes to school, the first year you need to sit behind the lessons next to him to teach him to do the lessons. If you teach, the next ten years the child will do all the lessons on his own and you will only be happy. If you decide in the first grade to give the child independence and did not control, does he have to do the lessons as it should, most likely all the next years you will have to conflict with the child about the fact that he does not do the lessons and do not want them .. Intelligent independence of children is a continuation of obedience, imparted by wise parents. Both obedience and independence have a common basis - the ability to perform what is said: it is said to itself or told to parents.
Forewarned is forearmed. And the choice is yours.
If you are interested in this topic, see the analysis of the article "Phantom Man". This article is of interest primarily as a document that vividly reflects the ideology of gestalt therapy. Published on site b17, the article was noted as having received the most amount of approving comments, which indicates that the author, Gennady Maleychuk, successfully and accurately reflected the mood of his like-minded people. If you look more closely, most of the approving comments sound from psychologists who have identified themselves as a "gestalt therapist", as well as the author of the article. This allows us to confidently assume that the ideas of this article reflect not just individual authorial moods, but the ideology of Gestalt therapy, at least in its popular version, as it sounds among those who have been trained in Gestalt therapy and who it broadcasts to clients. The main theses of the article (direct quotations) we highlighted in red. So,
"Social identity and the opportunity to be socially successful is acquired at the cost of renouncing one’s self." In our opinion, this thesis is controversial and rather harmful. If the "I" is a child before acquiring a culture, that is, a small Mowgli with a sum of instincts, battery of reflexes and a set of hormones, then acquiring a culture, acquiring a social identity is a process of humanization, becoming of it as a person. Yes, the acquisition of purity goes through washing, that is, in a sense, through the rejection of dirt. And what is your choice?
"A child abandons himself real and builds a false project of his self." Again: Is a real child an ill-bred child? A false project of his I - is a child who plans to grow up? Become a person with a normal profession in the future, become a man, become a husband and a father, become what his children will be proud of? "
Instead of installing" You are what it is and it’s good, "parents actively broadcast the installation:" You should be so-so ... "" Unsusceptably at the apparent condemnatory intonation from the author of the article, let’s hope that parents do this with the children. Parenting their children is their responsibility under the Constitution of the Russian Federation, and it seems that psychologists should support parents in this their most important work. If children do not know their responsibilities, at first parents and other close relatives suffer from this, and after a while it turns out to be a problem already for the grown-up child who, it seems, has not managed to grow up. Would you like your daughter to marry a young man who does not know what "should" is, who plans to take on no responsibilities?
We see that Gestalt therapy actively does not approve of the installation on "being a good boy / good girl". Perhaps, next to some very troubled parents, such an installation can be understood, but if the child has reasonable parents, that the attitude "to be a social being, to listen to parents, to behave after all is decent and good to learn" is the norm, not the problem. Yes?
Gestalt therapist sadly states: "It is very important for such a child to match the parent image." Let me confidently formulate the opposite: dear parents, you can be proud if your child wants to be like you!
The author of the article reproaches the parents: "Through the child, parents try to prove to the world their own importance and assert themselves. And then this child must be necessarily extraordinary, to show all his achievements - see, this is our child! ". It is sad that the author meets only such crooked parents. We are surrounded by other, more worthy people, and raising their children, they care not for their own self-affirmation, but about the future of their children. They love their children. It is important for them who and how their children will become, how they will be ready for life’s difficulties, whether they are able to be responsible, whether they have learned to be happy, do they have an understanding that one can live not only for oneself, but also thinking about other people ...
We believe that the readers of this article are just such parents.
And we will be happy if our children are not just "not worse than others", but by setting big goals, they will be able to make their lives great, great. Our children must get ahead of us, and let them raise children who will outstrip them! Let our family name, our family dynasty be a pride for us and a guide for those who are with us. Do not be afraid to set big goals, be afraid to live a small life!