You tell the child: "You need to wash yourself" or "Wash your hands!", But he does not obey you. You remind me that it’s time to tear yourself away from the computer and sit down for lessons, he frowns: "Late!" - Of course, this is a mess.
Unfortunately, ordinary children have long been accustomed to the fact that parents can not listen: they do not know what they say! And it’s not about children, but about us, in parents, when we say things to children that are important to us somehow not seriously, regardless of whether the children listen to us or not.
If you just said to the child "Clean up your room!", Seriously you have not done anything yet. Most likely, your child, without turning his head, grumbles to you: "Now!", After which he will continue to do his own business. And then he will forget. Perhaps you will forget about your request too ... This is not the case. If you have not tracked, if the child hears you, if he is ready to perceive you as the elder, whether he will do what you told him-you are accustoming the child to the fact that you are a person for him, not significant, not authoritative, that you can not listen.
Watch the format. Children are in different condition. When the child is calm and looks at you, he will hear you and do what you ask. If you tell him, when he is yelling, you are talking to the wall. Before asking for something the child, make sure that he is standing and looking at you. Sometimes it is necessary to ask for it separately, to the main request, sometimes an attentive look and a pause helps ... Anyway, cope with this?
Your requests should be calm, but clear orders. In form - soft requests, in fact - the order, the content - clear instructions. For example,
"Son, I have a request to you: please take your room away." Take the bed and put all the superfluous toys in a box. "When can I come to check that you did all this?"
"In the beginning, the lessons, the computer - then." After all, this is so? So, the computer immediately shuts down, sit down for lessons. "
Relationships between parents and children are not limited to orders and instructions, and without them are impossible. Simple and clear instructions-instructions are needed in a relationship with a small child who does not understand complex things and ornate appeals; clear instructions will be very useful when a child with your help is mastering any new business or at least the first time doing a difficult exercise from a homework; Strict instructions are given by parents to the child, when the child tries not to obey the parents, while they turn to him in a soft manner.
Where parents read long morals, children are accustomed to letting them go by the ears. Do you need this? No. Then speak clearly and concisely, essentially giving commands. Than endlessly to remind: "You again have not brushed your teeth, you are so forgetful! You will have holes in your teeth. Here your brother never forgets to brush his teeth ... "you can just remind:" Teeth! ". If you say it’s fun, the child will just as easily run his teeth clean. Of course, to create a habit, you need to repeat this for at least a week, but this form is good even if it does not irritate anyone.
Or the situation: a tired mother came home from work and sees that the house is a mess, the daughter scattered all the toys around the room. Of course, I want to swear: "Well, how much can you repeat the same thing! Why do not you ever put your toys in your shoes? How much will this continue? ... "- but, firstly, it’s melancholy, and secondly, the result will be only bickering. Try on something else: say softer, but with a clear instruction: "Daughter, I’m so tired at work. I would be very glad if you cleaned all your toys, and we would cook something for dinner together. " That sounds better. Practice, you will succeed - and will please everyone.
How to properly formulate your requests for instructions is a separate science. A few tips:
Your requests should sound weighty. If you throw something on the move and yourself in the next second were distracted - you will not be heard. If you want to be heard, take yourself seriously to what you say. If you are serious about something, organize the situation so that the child looks into your eyes and is not distracted by anything. If the child is small, very good, if during the request you sit right in front of him, hold him by the shoulders and speak, looking into his eyes. If your son is a teenager sitting at a computer, first ask him to turn to you, only then make a request. Yes?
Put the right intonation. It turns out that if you say the right words with the right intonation (which you can fully master), the children will do what they ask. And if you say the same correct words with the same attitude with a different intonation, more familiar among mothers - children twist their faces and do nothing. It turned out to be quite simple, and if you still did not know how to do it, in a few days you will be able to master these effective intonations. And the children will begin to obey you. For details, see →
Make sure that the child agrees with your request. Do not just go: "Go to the store, please," but specify: "I need to go to the store, I do not have time and I’ll ask you to help me." Can you do it right now? " - And listen to the answer.
On time. Best of all, those requests that sound on time, when they can be performed in the course of life, are natural and easy. The request to throw out the package with garbage is inappropriate when the child has already undressed, coming from the street; she sounds better when he has not undressed yet; and is carried out naturally, when the child is dressed and is going to go out into the street. Look for the moment when your request will sound on time!
Mandatory control. If you asked for toys to clean, you need to track, removed the child after this toy or not. If the daughter promised to run to the store right now, then see that she did not sit back VKontakte, help her out of the house.
Your words should be worth something. In the bathroom - if the child pours water on the floor, warnings should be followed, and then stop bathing. If you are warned that unassembled toys are thrown away, unharvested toys should disappear. If you say that you can not run after the child, you can not run after him, but if you, sitting down in front of the child and looking into his eyes, said that to run away from adults when his adults are called is wrong and adults are punished for this, then after this child should make sure that you are talking seriously and running away from your parents when his name is really impossible. If you have agreed, and the child does not fulfill the agreement - agree on sanctions. Adult people agree on this: are you going to prepare a child for adulthood?
A sketch from life ... A girl of about four runs around the track, where athletes train on the boards. It’s dangerous, my mother screams to her: "Nelly, run to me" - Nelya continues to run where she’s having fun. Mom shouts: "Nell, run to me immediately!" - Nelly zero attention. My mother is already yelling: "Run here quickly, and then I’ll kill!", Nelly slowly began to move towards her mother. She ran, my mother tugged at her hand, scolded: "Why do not you listen to me?" - and they went together to buy ice cream ...
What did my daughter learn? That the mother needs to obey, but not necessarily immediately. And even better, if not immediately, then my mother will scream, and it’s more fun ... Could Mom act differently? Yes, she could, and probably even had to act differently. It is not difficult.
In the beginning everything was the way Mother did - loud and confident shout: "Nell, come to me!" If you do not come up, you can loudly shout again, or you can run to your daughter to get her out of danger. The important thing is that after the mother and daughter are together, without any twitching of the hands, mother should sit in front of her daughter and, looking into her eyes, carefully and calmly ask: "Nell, tell me please, I called you - why did you not come to me at once? " - and wait for an answer. Wait for an answer. Perhaps Nell will not want to answer immediately, he will remain silent. Mom will ask the same question again, just looking calmly at the daughter in the eyes: "Tell me, why did not you come to me immediately when I called you?" Sooner or later, the daughter will answer something, for example: "I was interested there!" Obviously, she understands everything, but tries to play a fool. It should be said: "Yes, it was interesting, but what do you need to do if I called you seriously and loudly?" - "Approach ..." - "True, but immediately come up or in the beginning still run?" - "Immediately ..." - "Thank you, daughter, you already understand everything." In vain I do not call you, but if I call you, I need to run up to you immediately. With you, ask for forgiveness and promise that next time I will not have to you scream a few times, you come to me at once ... "- Everything, the situation is solved well.
If this happens again (it is quite possible), everything repeats as calmly, only adds: "Tell me, what should I do if the next time you suddenly fail to fulfill your promise?" - and the daughter together with her mother agree on some reasonable punishment. When my mother looks into the daughter’s eyes and waits for her to answer every question to her reasonably, everything really is being decided. Soon mom does not even need to scream, the daughter will run up right away, as soon as she asked about it.
You must have leverage. If the child tests you for strength, you must be stronger. You can often hear «I’m after", "I do not want to!" or directly "I will not", you can shoot with phrases "I do not love you" or "Parents, you do not love me!". Experienced parents smile at this and solve the problem quickly. So, you must deal with this too.
When you learn how to correctly formulate your requests, you will lose unnecessary conflicts and your relationships with children will become warmer. Your children will begin to obey you, you will like it, and the most interesting is that it will please your children. Moreover, when this happens, you can take the next step ... Attention! In the process of establishing relations with the child there is another important trick, namely the possibility of developing a child’s unconscious habit of listening to you. "To obey or not to obey your parents" is determined not only by what and how parents say, it is also determined simply by the habits of the child. There are children who have a habit of mindlessly listening to all, and there are children who have the habit of just as unthinkingly listening to anyone. These are bad habits, and your children should have a good habit: the habit of being attentive to what you say, the habit of doing what you ask of them, the habit of listening to you. And if you want, you can develop a habit for your child. Teach your child to listen to you and obey, and you will have your parental authority, you will have the opportunity to raise from your child a developed and thinking person.