Автор: Н.И. Козлов

And what do you think? - support for dialogue and vaccination against categorical behavior

Фильм "История о нас"

Он хочет ей донести, что он не изменял - но так они не договорятся. Каждый из них в своем монологе, они кричат друг на друга, а не разговаривают...
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To discuss difficult issues is not easy. When people are addicted, they begin to speak categorically, throw out a lot of negativity on the partner and just immediately talk about many things, picking up several topics at once. How is this discussed? Only if you reply the same.

«I’m tired, and you do not help me and behave as if all your whims should be fulfilled immediately!" - What’s the answer to this? And now listen to another conversation: «I’m tired and would like to discuss with you, can I count on your help?" - "Oh sure!". If the conversation is built in the form of a dialogue, it is easier to negotiate.

Do not you like the categorical categoricity of your interlocutors? Do you prefer a respectful conversation? It seems to you a stupid game "Who will enjoy whom" and would you like to lead the discussion more thoughtfully and collaboratively? So, you will like the reception, the exercise and the game "What do you think?". It’s simple: you start to speak briefly and, having expressed your thoughts briefly, ask your interlocutor: "What do you think?" If this is how you behave, it is easy for you to agree with your relatives so that they will respond to you in the same way.

"Son, my task is to prepare you for life." If you learn to think with your head, organize yourself, take care of those who are dear to you, everything will be fine in your adult life! " "And I do not want to think about it, why should I do this, I’m still small, when it’s still going to be!" - there is no question from the child, he gave a statement-padding and closed the subject: it is clear to him without you. Talking in this tone is a bad habit, but our children speak in the style they hear from us adults.

By the way, notice: how did the father begin the conversation? His intonations had a dialogue? No ... If you want a son or daughter to ask your opinion, start in a conversation to ask their opinion.

If you want your husband or your wife to ask for your opinion, act in the same way: start with yourself. I had consultations with Nadya and Sergei, who were very difficult to negotiate with each other. How did they talk?

Nadia: Sergei, you all know for me! You do not ask what I think, and usually just press. And I want us to discuss all the problems together. Therefore, if you get an idea, you should discuss it with me. Ask me what I think, how I want to behave, whether I want it. It is possible that I will have an idea that you will like. But before deciding what concerns me and us, I propose to ask what I think about this topic. Otherwise, it’s very hard for me.

Sergei: And you yourself ask me what I think? Right now, instead of asking me, you blamed me!

Both have higher education, but no one taught them to talk without any accusations and in the form of a dialogue ... And now imagine another version of their conversation when Nadia says: "Sergei, I have a request for you: when you are from me what "If you want, I would ask you not to put pressure on me, but ask me and agree." Will this suit you? What do you think about it? "

Does that sound better?

My wife and I have repeatedly checked: if in a conversation to accustom yourself to finish the statement with the question "What do you think?", The conversation goes softer. There is another, more thoughtful intonation, without pressure and accusations.

Another note: there is a huge difference between the question "What do you think?" And so similar to it "What do you say?" And "How do you think?". The first question prompts the interlocutor to express their opinion, and the last two - rather evaluate (and more often - start criticizing) your point of view.

How can we accustom ourselves to this style of communication?

It’s always easier to do this together. My wife and I agreed to help each other, and if one of us gets carried away, the other raises his hand with two closed fingers. This is the sign: "Be more attentive to the form!". Usually this is enough for us, this ends the monologue and the question is: "What do you think?"

Another way is more sophisticated: I’m not sure that it will suit you, but it works for us. If Marina gets carried away and the discussion ends with a statement, not a question, I begin to quietly remain silent. There was a conversation - and suddenly there is no talk ... Silence ... Such a quiet silence can last for 30 seconds, and a couple of minutes, sooner or later Marina discovers arose silence, remembers herself and returns to the dialogue: "What do you think?" - I answer "Thank you for asking, it’s important for me!", And we continue the conversation.

Another observation: the importance of intonation. If you follow your intonations, accustom yourself to speak quietly and thoughtfully, this alone is enough for the dialogue and questions to the interlocutor to be born quite naturally. But as soon as the rigidity begins to sound in the voice, categorical, especially - the volume increases, in a couple of minutes speech becomes a monologue, the interlocutor becomes as if not necessary ... Therefore, we learn to monitor your intonations and, if necessary, remind each other : "Intonation!"

Sometimes, too, with a raised hand and two closed fingers. This gesture in our family is well established: it does not interfere with the conversation, and the tip is good.

It’s also good to stop the rising feelings by using the "Repeat, Agree, Add" form. This miracle-shaped form almost instantly reorients from one s own senses to attention to the interlocutor and forces the head to turn on. Just start: "I hear, you said that ..." - and the speaker straightens up, he turns his attention and begins to think ...

Curiously: more and more I get stronger in the opinion that the feelings in the conversation are very interfering. The feelings begin - the categorical tone begins to sound ... If you accustom yourself to be interested in the opinion of another person about what you are saying, in fact you are accustoming yourself to pay your attention to the outside. Attention to one’s own feelings is always introversion, that is, reducing attention to the interlocutor and therefore a little inadequate. I think that today it is more important to teach ourselves and others to listen not to our feelings, but to speak - and to think.

And what do you think?