A year ago, on my return from a business trip, I drove to my friends and involuntarily turned out to be a witness to the discussion of the life situation in which there was one woman who decided to have a child from a married man. The discussion was quite emotional, opinions were sometimes expressed directly opposite. They also asked me to express my opinion.
I answered that only serious, deep conversation with this woman will help to clarify the situation, and it will be possible to offer options for its harmonious resolution. To my surprise, two days later she came to me for a consultation.
As it turned out, having decided to give birth to a child from a beloved man, Nina, that’s the name of this woman, shared her intention with close people, an adult couple, whose opinion she valued. They were a great authority for her. Contrary to her expectations, they reacted to such news sharply negatively, believing that the birth of a child from a married man and bringing him up in an incomplete family doomed him to a difficult fate.
Her joy was replaced by fright and she came to me in confusion.
Establishing a contact
At the beginning of our communication, Nina was very excited, did not know how to start a conversation. With my calmness and sincere cordial participation, I managed to arrange it for myself. As a result of a close and keen interest in her life situation, I managed to successfully establish contact. Ten minutes later she calmly told her story.
Clarification of the situation and the request
The format of communication is a cordial confidential conversation.
Nina, 32, very attractive blonde, well educated, diverse range of interests, but most of all she likes dancing. Friendly, benevolent, she was always popular with the opposite sex. Nevertheless, all previous attitudes toward the creation of the family did not.
Three years ago she began to go to study in a modern dance studio. Conducted a male trainer of pleasant appearance, well built. He immediately liked Nina, it was easy and comfortable to study in his group. Soon she learned that he was 37 years old, married, has a daughter of 8 years. She just took note of that, nothing more.
However, a year later, Boris began to give Nina increased attention, to offer meetings. She, knowing about his marital status, refused, reminding him of this. To have a relationship with a married man she did not want at all, it was against her rules. But Boris was very persistent. At Nina, he evoked sympathy, and once she agreed to have lunch with him. Boris admitted to her in love, saying that nothing can be done about it. She does not leave his mind. Nina’s question "What about wife and daughter?" Was followed by a story similar to the following:
He and his wife Larisa are acquainted with youth, engaged together in ballroom dancing in one pair. The relationship was friendly. When he was 27 years old, all his friends were married, and friends and parents told him that it was time to become a family man, especially Larissa, a pretty, intelligent girl, and she had known each other for a long time and would not let you down. So he decided to get married, he never met real love. But now, meeting Nina, he realized that it finally happened.
So Nina and Boris began to meet. The girl fell in love, every meeting became a holiday for her. I tried not to think about the future, because I knew that there were no prospects. She did not want to destroy the family, and Boris felt his responsibility and believed that before he divorced, first he must raise a daughter.
Two years passed. They became very close and looked forward to a new meeting. But Nina was years old, and now all relatives and friends began to annoy the talk about marriage. Especially tried the parents with whom she lives together. Constantly complain, they say, such a clever and beautiful, but all alone. And grandchildren will not wait.
The matter was further aggravated by the fact that the maternal instinct itself grew in it, the desire to give birth to a child from a beloved became more and more powerful. Insist on divorce, Nina was still not going to. I counted only on my own strength, and my parents offered to help me. In one of the meetings, Nina could not stand it and told Boris about her cherished desire. He reacted positively to her great joy, and life filled with new meaning for her. Inspired and happy, she decided to share her joyful intent with close friends, to get support, but expectations did not materialize.
Forming the request
After attentively listening to Nina, I realized that she needs to help more specifically formulate the purpose of our conversation and expectations from our communication. I realized that one of the reasons for her doubt is the condemnation of her decision by friends. Constantly sounded notes: "I so want a child, why do not friends understand me," "Is my decision to give birth to a child is wrong?". "Doubts do not give me rest."
I asked her to concentrate and think about what she wanted to get as a result of our conversation, to draw the future picture of life, where she feels comfortable and happy, and the ways to achieve this happiness. Nina paused and pondered.
In the future it was possible to form three levels of the query:
1. To understand why people close to her do not understand it. How to explain to them that they understand her deed; 2. Dispel doubts and find peace of mind. 3. Understand how to build joyfully your future life and realize your dream of having a child.
Thinking through the plan
I realized that the task ahead of me is not simple. It is important to translate the client into the author’s position and determine the measure of responsibility for his actions.
In human relations, especially between man and woman, apart from bodily love, there is also a cardio-spiritual love. It is the latter that causes a person’s heart trembling, reveals the ability to create, allows you to be in an amazing elevated state, whether hungry or full. This love fills life with great meaning and opens the possibility of its deep understanding.
If a person realizes that he loves, then in addition to this divine gift to love, he must realize and responsibility for its preservation. Therefore, it is very important to recognize the level of love when counseling. The author’s position depends on this. Only consciously taking responsibility for your life and the life of the child will enable you to build joyfully your future life.
Therefore, first try to determine not only the presence of love, but also the level of its development. Then you need to work with beliefs, values, images. Serious mood and desire to work with my client is, and this gives hope for success.
The next task: to help Nina take a conscious position of the Author. Proposal for a serious conversation with Boris.
PLAN №1. What the client should do to solve his problem
I realized that perhaps one consultation is not enough. Especially such a question I analyzed for the first time. So, I suggest the following tasks for the client:
1. Look through the consultant to the events of his life with the 3rd and 4th positions of perception.
2. Work with your image, perception of yourself, your abilities, reality.
3. Work with beliefs, values.
4. Take the position of the Author. Understand the level of responsibility.
5. Disassemble the relationship with Boris for the presence of a cordial love for him.
6. Seriously talk to Boris. Learn the extent of his responsibility in connection with his decision.
7. Write a plan for the joyful construction of your future life from the author’s position.
PLAN №2. How, in what sequence and form to convey to the client.
1. We choose life situations from the 3rd and 4th positions of perception, accompanying with comments on the features of men and women, their different responsibilities in creating a family and raising children, the need for self-love.
2. Analysis of erroneous beliefs, setting values by priorities.
3. Explaining the importance of the author’s position, awareness of responsibility.
4. Make an analysis of the client’s relationship with Boris for the presence of a cordial love for him.
5. Help Nina realize the measure of responsibility for her life and that of her future child. Exercise to accept and forgive yourself and loved ones.
6. To suggest the options for a future life from the Author’s position.
Format, setting up a client for work
I told Nina that I have enough experience and knowledge, and I have a real plan of action that will lead to the desired result. Just talking will bring relief for a little while. As I understand it, Nina came to me for the result, so the willingness to work from her mouth sounded convincing enough. And we willingly went ahead to the intended goal.
Implementing the plan, working with the client
Firmly and aggressively, analyzing the situation in which Nina was, I led her to the author’s position. The majority of men and women want to have a happy family in which mutual understanding, trust reign, healthy, obedient children grow. But in real life it is very few people succeed. Many make mistakes in youth, by ignorance, because of incorrect attitudes and errors. After all, no one was taught how to become a happy man and a woman, how to properly build relationships between them. Most of the knowledge was passed on from parents, from grandparents to grandparents. misconceptions and misconceptions passed down from generation to generation.
Next, Nina and I came to understand the varying degrees of responsibility of men and women in creating a family and raising children. The first man, beginning to build a serious relationship with a woman, takes responsibility for these relationships and the consequences of their development. Ideally, the creation of a new relationship is the creation of a new family. For the entire external sphere of the family is the responsibility of the man, the woman for the inner, therefore the responsibility of the man holds the responsibility of the woman. If a man runs away from such responsibility, then in the end he runs away with happiness. In real life, a woman can take a part of man’s responsibility, but a man’s. Such options can not be called harmonious, but they have the right to life.
Boris, being married, decided to build a serious relationship with Nina. However, such an act in the future will necessarily lead to the destruction of either his family or relations with Nina. Previously, Nina felt the frailty of such relationships, so she had no connections with married men. Nevertheless, Boris was quite persistent, and the relationship began.
From Nina’s story, it was clear to me that she and Boris, at the time of the beginning of the relationship, did not have the measure of responsibility that does not allow them to create a slow-motion mine. Nina agreed with this.
Relations developed and gradually approached their Rubicon, when both sides needed to make a decision. On the eve, Nina spoke seriously with Boris, but he only strengthened his previous decision: not to get divorced from his wife. In order to offer the client, in my opinion, the most environmentally friendly options for breaking up relations need to define in them the presence of cordial love. And if there is one, then possible actions should be directed to its preservation.
Love is a joyful concern for another person. In the process of communicating with Nina, I realized that she was much further advanced in this than Boris. Boris had more passion than love, in Nina - on the contrary. My client agreed with my vision of this situation. Keeping in the heart of love for a man, she decided not to destroy his family, to stop his relationship with him and raise a child alone, thereby taking on a part of man’s responsibility. To successfully move on life further, I showed Nina that she needed to go into the author’s position, that is, to become the responsible master of her life. I must pay tribute to my client, she took it seriously, with understanding.
To begin with, I offered her new constructive and positive attitudes of the Author of my life:
• I myself am responsible for my life, for my actions. I always have a choice.
• I myself started a relationship with Boris. This is my choice, the choice of love.
• I made a conscious decision to part with Boris and raise a child without him.
• I am responsible for all the consequences of this decision.
• I created this situation and only myself can change it for the better.
• I can only manage my life, and only my example, my conscious actions can affect my loved ones.
• I can not change people, they can do this only themselves, but I can influence their choice by their successes, their authority.
• I recognize the fact that I was not serious about creating a full-fledged harmonious family.
Next, we considered the issue of raising a child in an incomplete family. No matter how hard Nina tried, she could not harmoniously raise a child without a father. I explained to her that without a male, fatherly communication, a child can grow up psychologically not mature, and in the future life he may have difficulties. As a result, she agreed with my explanations. It is important now to think about creating a future full-fledged family. In the end, Nina changed her mind: "Raise a child alone" on "Raising a child in a future full-fledged family." She asked what to do to create a new harmonious family.
I explained to her that it is important to properly build your relationships with men, lead an active lifestyle, and have a spirit of creating a new family. Create an image of happy relationships, filling it with details, periodically improving and adding.
The creation of a new full family for Nina is the topic of another consultation. We agreed to consider this issue after the birth of the child, the more so that we need to try to build a harmonious relationship with his father.
At the end of our conversation, I noticed that Nina’s back was straightened, her gaze became calm, aspiring and confident. A slight smile played on her face, her eyes glittered. This confirmed that she stands in the author’s position. I suggested that she once again seriously talk with Boris, to remove all doubts and exclude the possibility of mistakes in the creation of a new family. I suggested a positive and constructive form of conversation, she accepted it.
Homework: the client’s work.
1. Write that she gave her a good relationship with Boris, for which she is grateful to him.
2. Once again with a positive attitude to talk with Boris in order to make a constructive decision for both.
3. Present and lose the situation that Boris does not exist in her life. What thoughts and feelings arise in this case. Write it down.
At the end of our long talk, I clarified whether everything we were talking about was understandable, and what Nina was going to do. She sincerely thanked for the work done. She now looks at many things with different eyes. She said she understands what responsibility she assumed, but the confidence she acquired in the course of our communication gives her the opportunity to successfully follow the chosen path of life. She voiced her thought that maybe it would be difficult for her to part with Boris, so she asked about the possibility of the next meeting. We agreed to consult as necessary.
I reminded her that taking responsibility for one’s life, for specific situations in it, is the most reasonable act of a person who will certainly pave the way to happiness.
The consultation ended with a positive suggestion: "When you create a new family, you will be proud of yourself. Happiness and joy will become the usual phenomenon of your life. Children will give their love and respect. You are beautiful, and you will succeed. I am always ready to support the implementation of the plan. "
Nina’s condition was calm and joyful. From the tears that were at the beginning of the conversation, there was no trace left.
In general, the work done I was pleased. On the calibration it was noticeable that Nina was pleased. For myself, the difficult moment is the analysis of personal relationships between a man and a woman, especially where there is love. It is in the state of love that a person’s actions are often irrational. Therefore, dismantling them to the end on a single logic is sometimes very difficult. To do this, you need an extra special vision, perhaps your own experience.
The lines from one wise book were remembered: "Truth can not be proved or presented, it can only be experienced." I think that in matters of love this saying is appropriate. Therefore, in this consultation, I relied on my life achievements and many observations of people. Analyzing all the work, I noticed that sometimes I lost attention to the client and started to "Broadcast". For myself, I concluded: it is necessary to increase attention to the client, not just listen, but hear, especially highlight the key points in his speech. In the course of the conversation, think deeply about your explanations and suggestions.
Nina, happy mother, gave birth to a healthy son. Gladly shared her event and thanked her for her help in her situation. She plunged into pleasant cares for the child, but in the near future is going to me for the next consultation.