"No one owes nothing to nobody!" - I said thirty years ago in the book "How to treat yourself and to people: practical psychology for every day." Since then, an equal number of people have sent me as fiery gratitude for this position, which gave them wisdom and peace of mind, as well as fire-breathing claims from those who began to think so, treat people so much and, as a result, broke their lives.
I quote the source:
I wake up early in the morning, I need to get ready quickly: I’m on a business trip. I understand that I do not have time: things are not all collected yet, but it would be good to have breakfast. My wife is lying, but I could probably get up and help me... I’m ready to reproach her with my reproaches, but then I stop myself: "But does this woman, your beloved wife, owe you something? Do you want her to stand up and help you, what should you do? - ... Well ask her: so that she wants to help you. " And if she gets up and does everything that her husband should tell her? - Thank you. And if you do not get up ("I did not get enough sleep, the child did not let me sleep all night"), what should the husband do? At least do not take offense, and maybe, and apologize for the anxiety.
I wonder if they would like their wives to have such husbands? - A husband who always addresses her only in a kind way, will never reproach, and for her help and care from a pure heart will say thank you? Yes, many people dream about such a husband. But, probably, even then husbands would like them to have such wives. Imagine: the husband goes home - and is not afraid to go home, because his wife never swears! That swear something: because he does not owe her anything. And for good is always grateful.
Yes, just my husband came home - this is a gift. Appearance of her husband home - this is a real family holiday!
Cool ... Here I made a gift for those husbands who dragged themselves from drunk themselves home and announced to his wife that now she had a holiday! It seems that my long-standing mistake is that I always focus on decent people. I am always surrounded by very decent people, I’m used to this environment and somehow I seem to forget that most of the Russians live much more diversely. I write articles, suggesting that you are as beautiful and worthy people around you as you are around me - and this is not always the case?
So, everything is a bit more complicated. Shall we figure it out?
If you need to ask for help, let the thought "Nobody do not owe anything to anyone" will not stop you. Yes, no one should help you, but many will help you with joy: not because they should, but because they treat you well. You yourself are also often ready to help, although they do not seem to be? If the slogan "I do not owe anything to anyone," you use to "not care about anyone and do not answer for anything, it’s also, as the bookkeepers say, "misuse". A real man should have his business, and you answer for your business. Avoid responsibility only small children and adults with the psychology of the child, while for a strong and decent person to take on and be responsible for much is an honour.
"No one should not owe anything to anyone" is about another.
Everything starts from childhood. Once we were small, parents cared for us. Moreover, for us it was so natural that we laid in our subconscious that someone should take care of us, should respond to our needs and react when we are ill. So my mother did, and we decided that the whole world should behave like this...
Is it funny, really?
In psychology, there is a whole direction, called cognitive-behavioral therapy, the main feature of which is that they explain to their clients time after time that they are no longer children and believe that they, their adults, today need something from their friends, their children , neighbors and government - is already unreasonable. Inadequate. They conduct long boring conversations on each specific issue, it is useful, but it seems even simpler and more reasonable (at least for reasonable people) to agree immediately with the package: "Childhood has passed." And today, to us, adults, no one else owes anything. "
So? Have agreed? But here also this magic word has sounded: "have agreed". Adult people know what an arrangement is. And if you have agreed on something, now you already have something - you must. About what they agreed, they should. And if you have not agreed yet, then it’s your concern - agree.
Let’s look at an example. Suppose a husband wants his wife to stroke his shirts. You are the husband. At once: do you have clear agreements that oblige your wife to iron your shirts? For some reason I suppose that you do not have such agreements. Most likely, you have certain traditions and the established order of things, according to which your wife usually does this, if you have not quarreled with her. So - there are no clear agreements, there are no duties. Wife does not have to iron your shirt. It is not obliged. But if you ask in advance and kiss her beforehand on the cheeks, I’m sure she’ll pat your shirt. And even with pleasure. Especially since she addresses you with requests, and close people should be helpful to each other.
I’m not even talking about love right now. Love does not fall from the sky (at least for a long time it can not be counted on), but if you created and support it, the wife will take care of your shirts herself, and pat them not simply, but with pleasure. Just create such a relationship! This work is like that. Can you do it?
And the last topic, perhaps, is the most difficult: it is a matter of exactingness. Warm relations begin with interest, desire and love, but continue (for clever people) in format and exactingness. You can know inside yourself that "Nobody owes nothing to anyone," but if you care about long-playing relationships and preserving decency, then you surely will take care of the format.
Hurry up, the format is easy to install at the beginning of the relationship and much more difficult - later. When a man looks after a woman, at first he is ready for a lot and "build" it - easily. Golden time! While the girl is carried away, she is also amenable to formatting. Later - no longer. After - discussion, disassembly, training, which is always longer and more difficult. The format of the relationship should be asked initially: it does not matter, it’s about jealousy, rudeness or about egocentrism.
The same with children. If you let the children now respond to the displeased "Well now!" on your request, then after a while you will face obvious disrespect to you. You have to educate them, so arrange with them that if the mother asks, then the children do. When and if you inspire them that they really should treat your parents with respect, I congratulate you, you have done a great job. And if this is not yet - do not be angry, children do not have to immediately meet your expectations. No one promised you an easy life.
Let’s note, I’m not saying anything about the ban loudly on children getting angry. If suddenly it will be appropriate once and add weight to your words - fine, in the performance of smart people everything is good, if only it would lead to good, but not crooked results. You can inspire them that they are indebted, but this is a suggestion for them, and not a belief for you. If you told them this and they believed you, they became obligatory and responsible people - you are good fellows. If there is not yet and continue to believe that all domestic matters do not concern them, that they do not owe anything to anyone - do not worry. The world has no obligation to provide you with well-bred children, you have received the usual wild. Inside yourself, smile, thank the world for the gift in the form of children, and again for the upbringing process!
Knowledge "No one owes me anything" is the protection of your soul. But when you look at children, think about something else: "What should they grow up, what can I do for this?" And - go ahead! Do not put up before the time! You can do a lot! Do not give up!