I accept congratulations, I give autographs!
I had a long-awaited book: "Simple right childhood: a book for smart and happy parents"! This book was waited a long time, finally! The book is already on the site in Sinton, sold at Exmo, Ozon and LitRes. Cheers, hurray, hurray !!
If the book Yu.B. Gippenreiter "Communicate with the child. How? "- about the women’s approach to education, then" Simple right childhood "promotes a demanding, masculine approach to the upbringing of children. Our children are intelligent, you can talk with them in an adult way and in earnest. What of this can happen?
This book is for you, for smart, conscious people, for loving parents. It is clear that not all of us are always clever, do not always act consciously, and our love for children alternates with something else-everything happens! - but you have purchased and opened this book. So, this is important to you. So, it’s time to learn the most important science in the world - the science of raising children.
We buy and read a book on LitRes.
Audiobook can be bought here
In this book:
Impartial "analysis of flights" of our favorites:
- why they cry, why they are offended, what they want from us and the world, how they copy us, how we are controlled;
- Answers to questions about the love of children: what it is in reality and whether it is always good.
Tips for those who are not indifferent:
- how to help your child, how to correct his shortcomings, how the boy’s education from the girl’s upbringing differs, - partial analysis of typical parental errors, and after each identified set of pedagogical imperfections, the author offers practical exercises on working on oneself and correcting educational shortcomings;
- Many learn in the described situations themselves, but the author’s task is not to criticize, but to help - and not to help in theory or in the form of benevolent platitudes, but help actively.
The most surprising thing is that in order to make children happy every parent must become a perfect and happy person. The manuscript of the book was highly appreciated by scientific experts. It can be useful as a popular scientific training workshop not only for parents, but also for students of pedagogical specialties, as well as for teachers, school and social educators, psychologists and university professors.
Simple right childhood: A book for happy parents
A good book about the upbringing of children can not be written. Not the fact that all children are different: for a good teacher it is not a difficulty, a difficulty in another: in the fact that parents are different. Each parent needs his own book on education, a book that fits his level of development and his philosophy of life. And if the level of the book "does not match" with the level of a particular parent, there will be trouble.
Unfortunately, most of the parents, if they suddenly decided to write a book about their upbringing of children, could take the classic "So it turned out", and the title - "What has grown, it has grown". The smaller part of the parents knows what they are doing and why. Clever - always less.
But - hello, such parents!
It is known that what is permitted to Jupiter is not allowed to the bull. Clever and talented parents can do everything, and I can tell them amazing, fantastically working things, but if these methods and techniques fall into the hands of stupid parents - it will be bad. Even worse is that it is impossible to warn: if you write in the preface that this book is not for everyone, but only for the most advanced parents, then you can be sure that just the most advanced parents will doubt what it’s about them. They are self-critical. But other parents who do not have a book for growth - just with enthusiasm for the methods proposed by the author will grasp. And when they think about it - it will be too late ...
And what to do in this situation? I wrote this book anyway. I have been asked for many years, I promised to write it - and here it is in front of you. Realizing that this book will cause direct damage to someone, I wrote it: because it is necessary for the best parents. Once this book should have appeared anyway, let it appear now!
This book is for you, for intelligent, conscious people, for loving parents. It is clear that not all of us are always clever, do not always act consciously, and our love for children alternates with something else-everything happens !, but you have acquired and opened this book. So, this is important to you. So, it’s time to learn the most important science in the world - the science of raising children.
Is it necessary to educate our children?
Developing children is one thing. And to bring up is another. Tell me, do you bring up your children?
To be honest, first of all we grow our children. We feed them, walk them, we treat them when they get sick, and teach them what they need to know. But as far as education is concerned, even interest in this is not great: "But what? We gave good school, we buy educational games. What more does he need? It grows not worse than others! "When we meet, it is more interesting for us to talk about cooking / rags (if it’s women) and sports / politics (men). Yes? Or about education?
Not everyone is keen on education. When children behave well, we want them not to educate, but to love. I want to admire them, I want to play with them, I want to support them in their endeavors. When children behave normally, we are not engaged in upbringing, but with our own affairs.
In the evening we patted ourselves, we sat a little at the TV set, then we quarreled, now he is angry, and she is offended - that’s the day that has passed, just that the child was constantly interfering with his feet ... Where is the upbringing?
If children are not educated, they grow boorish. Your ill-bred daughter will marry a young man who is difficult to call an adult: he was not accustomed to be responsible for himself and at least to remove his socks, he likes to spend time playing computer games and working in scrap, he is unclean and unrestrained ... did not bring up: you are satisfied with this?
Even a bear breeds its bear cubs, our children need more education. The child must understand that you can not run out to the road with transport under any game, you need to have a spoon at the table with a spoon, and not hands, and you need to solve the controversial issues in the game first with requests, and not immediately with a fight. In the end, a small child needs to be taught to write in a pot, and not as horrible.
And this is education. And later, when our children grow up, they need to learn independence, responsibility, respect for themselves and for people, to teach gratitude and love. It does not come: it only comes with upbringing.
If children are not educated, they will somehow educate themselves, but with each generation the level will be slightly lower. To keep children at a level or their level, children need to be educated. Nature gives the child the makings, education makes the child a person. Improper education can kill a child’s courage and interest in life, instill bad habits, develop selfishness and allow theft. On the contrary, intelligent education embraces the child to culture, enables the child to enter the circle of people, proper education can develop a child’s respect for himself and for people, courage and creativity, create prerequisites for his health and happiness.
I write this book, referring first and foremost to the cleverest, most conscious and most loving parents. And, turning to them, I say categorically: we, the best parents, need to be educated. Necessarily it is necessary! We need this ourselves, this is necessary for our country, this is for the children themselves. Education of our children is our contribution to the future, this is what makes our life meaningful.
What do we want to see our children?
A well-educated child is still better than an ill-bred child. Unschooled children are children of the wild, living want of their own and perceiving all around them as something they can use or have to fight with. On the contrary, an elementary child is already an adequate and more useful creature than a harmful one. Yes, he is still a child, but at least - a child brought up.
A well-educated child is an educational minimum task. It’s good, but not enough. And what is the task for advanced parents, for those who want and can do more?
As a rule, good parents want to raise children in the first place healthy physically and mentally, smart (free, lively and accurately thinking), decent (respecting other people who care not only about themselves), happy, creative and disciplined, ready to meet with life difficulties and are able to make life’s big projects in life.
Correctly. But - it is vague. It would be desirable more precisely and more particularly? You are welcome!
If this book I write for advanced parents, then who are these people at work and in business? I know - this is primarily the leaders. And if I write for managers and talk with leaders, it’s easy for me to talk to them in one language, because I’m the leader myself with thirty years of experience. And then I can say simply: our task is to raise a child from an adult who we would be happy to take to work ourselves. If you know how to dream and can imagine the ideal employee, then your child looks like him?
Just to clarify: the ideal employee - this is not a dumb performer "what do you want." Excuse me. The ideal employee is a dream. It is not just a person who thinks, disciplined and responsible, he is a creative and enterprising person. Right? But more than that, the ideal employee in the character warehouse is the leader and leader. This is a person who can be assigned independent and difficult projects in the confidence that he will take it upon himself and do everything.
Try it on, right?
A regular task of the head - not only to select, but also to educate employees. And if you are able to educate employees - you also know how to raise children. And you understand your tasks - educating a child in a person who is thinking and responsible, independent and disciplined, creative and enterprising, a leader by nature.
If you have decided on this, raising children is easy. In this case, you do not have the division of family and work: to respectful employees at work you are treated like to your beloved children, and to your children - both to adults and responsible employees.
Now the next point.
More confident parents, ready to invest in their children, set goals more serious. Their task is to raise a child who will be ahead of them. To move ahead first of all in terms of the level of culture: your child will be a person more educated than you, he will have more erudition and deeper knowledge in the directions important for his future. He will have better manners than you, your daughter will be even more feminine than your mother, and your son is more manly than your father. Your children in comparison with you will be even more collected and purposeful people, and at the same time even more spiritually persistent and happy. Yes?
What’s next? What is the maximum task for the best, most advanced parents?
It’s scary to write about this, but I’ll take a chance.
I think that the task of such parents is greater than to bring up a grown-up adult from the child. It is not enough. Their task is more than giving a child happiness, health and life prospects. This is not enough. And it is not enough even to achieve that your child grows better than you, so that your child could outrun you. The maximum in education for the best, for the strongest parents sounds like this: raise children so that they themselves bring up children who will be the same. And not just the same, but who will bring up children who will raise such children ... - and so on.
We emphasize that one of the biggest and most important tasks is:
To educate a child so that he sets himself the task of educating his child with a healthy, caring, creative, happy - and that the child of his child sets himself the same task !!
Children, brought up by you, should continue the idea of education according to your canons. Then - grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc. The system must reproduce itself. Otherwise, the project "Child" - a short-term project, for only one life. This project "Child" should grow into the project "Dynasty".
The task is to raise children who raise children who ...
What kind of people cause our admiration? Living and thinking, skillful and industrious, decent and responsible, with a developed individuality and freely choosing their own way, able to enjoy life and just happy - probably that’s what we always want to be ourselves, so we want to see our children. Our ideal is a person who is developed and successful, who knows what he wants and who is able to achieve it, person-person.
In my opinion, this is definitely not enough. Human life here is just beginning.
This description of life is a description of a person living at the level of the first position of perception. Hooray, to the first position you lived. Personality has appeared, but you see other personalities? Do you feel them? Respect? Are they people for you or are you the only one with a personal position? Do you have the wisdom, strength and culture to think about prospects? Knowing not only your story, but also thinking about the history of the future? Think about many people in the future? What do you do for that future life, how do you build it? And your children will become what? And the great-grandchildren?
Why is it worth thinking about necessarily?
I want to tell you about Japan. Japan is an amazing country of educated and hardworking people. In comparison with the Russians, they live so differently, in a coherent and businesslike manner, that many of the residents of Sakhalin and Kamchatka, with whom I spoke, consider them extraterrestrials. But Japan was not always that, Japan’s rise took place after the Second World War, after its complete defeat. It was a poor, bombed, humiliated country, but suddenly they gathered together and as a single organism, one nation, began to live, develop, and work. With nothing, on a bare stony island, without oil and other minerals, they made a high-tech power, a miracle country that rose like a rocket and became a model of intellectual solutions for the whole world. This feat is a feat of the whole nation. But all these were made by concrete people who woke up in the morning, ate a pumpkin when there was not enough money for sushi, who fell in love and got married. Everything that is done is done by concrete people. And they had children, and their parents wanted to give them their beautiful country, which they made with their own hands.
What happened next? Then there was an unnoticeable appearance, but a terrible thing. Two generations passed, and that Japan was no more. Everything that parents did, the children ate, and do nothing more. Children are happy: they have money, cars and freedom. Japan has no one to build, and Japan (that Japan!) Is no more. Japan is over.
Think: you can be thrice the hero of your life, a strong and super successful personality. You worked for two and even three, you need to put a high monument for your life, your fellow citizens are proud of you. And you have children. You probably think that they will take an example from you ... We read that children are always equal to their parents? But how much are you prepared for the fact that your children will go the other way and choose the void, the position of consumers interested only in entertainment and their own inner harmony?
If you worked heroically, but did not build the future of your family and your children, then you turned out to be elementary short-sighted. You thought only of your children, only that they were well. But this is not enough: you need to think about the children of our children and about the children further. There is no task to raise only your child: he has invested - and that’s all. And then what? Why did you do this? The grandson will grow up, and when you are no more, he will demolish all your work.
It is important to build a future.
I have an educational covenant. My task is to raise children not just healthy, beautiful, smart, successful. My task is to raise children who will raise their own children who will raise their own children who will raise their own children ... And the longer I provide this ladder of reproduction, the longer it lasts in the future (if not infinitely), the more I will perform his task father, parent. A visionary, honest task.
Methods of upbringing should be selected "under the growth" of parents.
There is a need to educate children, but not everyone can be admitted to the cause of upbringing.
Parents are really very different: there are smart and loving, there are simpler, there is - absolutely nowhere. It’s not true that all parents care about children; It’s not true that all parents love children. It is difficult to call homeless parents, although many of them have children, including in different cities. On the other hand, there are such names as Janusz Korczak and Anton Semenovich Makarenko, Maria Montessori and Rudolf Steiner: teachers from God, who love children and are able to love children. The main mass of parents is between one and the other pole, it’s just ordinary parents. Thus, all parents can be divided into three categories: "problem", "ordinary (average) parents" and "advanced parents."
Most often we are concerned about disadvantaged children, and usually such children grow up, understandably, from problem parents. And one of the most traditional questions is how to prevent such situations, how to influence problem parents, how to teach them at least the basics of reasonable education?
I will be honest: you will not get an answer to this question here. Moreover, I will not even seriously put it in this book: it’s wrong, it’s an unproductive issue.
Why? What is meant?
Dysfunctional children and problem parents
In this kitchen, neither windows nor dishes were washed for a long time. On the table there are cigarette butts and a bottle underneath, in the next room on the crocked couch, he sleeps in a crumpled T-shirt who has not watched the football on TV ... The children are fighting and sending each other a mat, in the room a habitual mess, there is no mother - she went to her neighbor to borrow money, in fact, when she comes back - no one knows. Here live those who are politely called problem parents, although they do not even consider themselves parents: just bed bugs are planted in the couch, and they have children ... Problem parents can not cope with the tasks of upbringing, either with the children themselves or with themselves - and do not set themselves such tasks. They do not bring up children not only and not so much because they do not know how, but rather because they do not have children at all. Children are more likely to be a hindrance to life, and when children fall under their feet, they tear off their mood on them.
How to teach the cause of education of such problem parents? The answer is again - no way. This is not the soil on which the seeds of enlightenment can rise. To write articles to them and to conduct conversations with them is useless: these people do not read books, lectures and webinars do not listen. Write articles to them and talk with them about the fact that children can not be beaten - it’s pointless, they will not hear it. Regarding problem parents, education is not required, juvenile justice is required here, but this is a conversation that goes far beyond psychology.
But, perhaps, to act differently - to deprive such parental rights and take the upbringing of such dysfunctional children into their own hands? After all, there are also orphanages? Unfortunately, there is nothing to please us either: the investments are colossal, and the results are negative ...
Out of orphanages, where more than twenty billion rubles are invested each year, criminals, alcoholics and drug addicts leave for Russian society today. According to official data of the Prosecutor General’s Office, only 10% of graduates of Russian state orphanages and boarding schools are adapting to life, 40% commit crimes, another 40% of graduates become alcoholics and drug addicts, 10% commit suicide. Are you ready for your money (because all this is done for your money) to raise criminals, alcoholics and drug addicts?
In Singapore, this problem was solved differently: mothers who produce and abandon children offer sterilization in exchange for solving the housing problem: they give state housing. Twenty years after the beginning of this social experiment, one can speak about quite positive results: the cultural level of people is growing, the country is flourishing.
Note that in fact it is possible and necessary to work with children of such parents, but in other ways. Which ones? The only successful approach known to us is the approach of A.S. Makarenko. He was able to turn young lazy people, thieves and bandits into decent and decent people, but we’ll talk about this later.
What do ordinary parents do with their children?
Ordinary parents are parents who are not the worst, but they are not exactly ideal. These are normal, ordinary parents, what majority. Dear colleagues, normal parents, how do you answer this question: are we raising our children?
If by education is understood the deliberate actions of parents aimed at inculcating useful skills for life, turning a child into a person, then we, ordinary parents, do not raise our children. Something the children are painting with us, but we do not educate them. Do not call parental reproaches and notation the education, when we are angry at our children? The maximum that we teach children in these cases is to read notations and reproach ...
Do you want a picture that will remind us of us? Do not be afraid: the picture will be quite nice. So ...
Merry company came to the boarding house. To what good! You can scream all night and eat meat. Here it is - rest! A bit boring a one-year-old child. Mom is busy, she needs to joke and flirt with friends, so when the baby comes to her, laugh at him (stumbled, hides behind his mother - very funny!) Or sounds "Get off!".
Morning, the company is having breakfast. To the child did not interfere with my mother’s communication, she gave him toys and chatting with friends. Occasionally, as if remembering a child, she turns to him and turns to him with something random, for example: "Show the letter A". However, immediately and turns away, so the child does not react to her request.
We will notice: the request of mum was not executed. A trifle? A trifle. But if later the question arises: why does he not obey ?, then the answer is here. The child has already remembered that you will not reach your mother, and, on the other hand, her requests can be ignored.
Meanwhile, one of the friends turned to the child: he held out the letter. The child reached out with handles to take, and a friend instead of giving in hands, put a letter on the child’s head and the letter fell. Funny, is not it? Everyone laughed, and the child looked at his mother attentively. Yeah, Mom laughs. So, you can naughty, and he throws a letter at his mother. -
Just do not throw! - Mom screams and laughs. The child does not know the words yet, but he hears the intonation: they are cheerful and fervent. So, everything is correct, and he already with a battle cry throws the letter already in the glass on the table ... The glass did not break, but the adults no longer rejoice.
- Well, stop quickly! - Mom is already shouting severely, frowning.
The child looks at his mother. Schizophrenia? Uncle did - everyone liked it. He did - everybody liked it. And now for the same thing they are arguing. They allow themselves, they blame themselves ... If you swear, I’ll pay you! Wept.
"What a misfortune is with you!" Everyone laughs, one you cry all the time! - Mom gets angry even more, because the child already completely distracts her from friends ... If you liked this piece, you can buy and download the book on liters. Audiobook can be bought here
What to teach ordinary parents?
If you demand from ordinary parents: "Take care of your children’s education!", It seems, there will be more harm than good. Parents want, as it is better, and it turns out at them, as always. The more they bluster at children, the worse the consequences. It’s the parents themselves who know that it is impossible to beat children, but - it does not work, nerves can not stand it. If their children got them hard, they can hit them and hit them in the hands of the father ... And then they worry.
To tell educational technologies to ordinary parents is senseless and even dangerous: the child is more difficult than the TV, and we are still entrusting the repair of complex home appliances to professionals. God grant us to learn how to use the remote control at least wisely, God grant us at least normal to cope with a growing child: not everyone has enough nerves to be reasonable when a beloved child cries so pitifully to us; it is not easy to remain loving, when this monster arranges us wild hysterics.
And what should I do? What is the recipe?
Firstly, we remember Leo Tolstoy: "Education is a difficult matter only as long as we want, without educating ourselves, but to educate our children or anyone else.If you realize that we can educate others only through ourselves , then the question of education is abolished and one question remains: how should one live by himself? "
Exactly. Parents, if they really want good for children (and for themselves), it is better to engage in the upbringing of oneself and less to molest children. Let the children support, let the children play and be friends, let the children talk: from this, at least, there will be no harm. The less ordinary parents raise children, the better for children.
Actually, along this path, modern psychologists are already going, when they give recommendations to parents about children. Traditional advice "try to understand children", "talk with children", "learn to listen to children", "just be friends with children" - are quite reasonable, as they divert such unskillful parents from the educational process to which they are actually incapable, and orient to a full useful things that help both themselves and their children.
When the recommendations are in the books: "In a conversation with children, do not rush to speak for yourself, listen more to the children" - is this about? Listening to children is not making noise on them, listening is not arguing, listening - it’s not a hurry to say something like "think with your head", "look what you do." And when the parent stops shouting at children, stops educating, begins to listen to the children, after a while the situation is being shattered. And, maybe, the child was not brought up, but the situation in the house became better.
The maximum that is "allowed" to ordinary parents, this is nondirective upbringing. Non-directed education is education not through instructions, not through directives, but education by one’s own example, support and prompting, the organization of the situation of life. Children can not say anything, but if you do exercise yourself in the morning, it is likely that children will soon be charging next to you. Without any directives, demands and notations, children take the best from us, if in us it is good. In the nondirective upbringing of upbringing, as if there is not - but it is largely happening.
With the methods of nondirective education all parents should be familiar, but to rely only on them is not enough. Do not overestimate its capabilities. Parenting, when parents influence the child primarily with their example and way of life - a beautiful, but weak education.
If a child wants to take your habit of doing exercises and brushing your teeth in the morning, that’s fine, but he may be interested in other samples and learn how to lie beautifully or smile nicely ... And why yes? Whether the child will be interested in your example, or he will see a more colorful picture on the monitor ... If the nondirective, model father is always positive and does not insist on anything, only brings home money, helps his mother and plays with children, then children can sit down such a daddy on the neck and the next few decades to stay with children, do nothing at home and use daddy money ... How will you treat this prospect?
Therefore: what next?
And then - cease to be ordinary parents, move into the category of advanced parents.
All advanced parents were once usual, but if you seriously work on yourself (attention: remember the magic word "Distance"!), Then we become different. We become smarter, act more consciously, gradually we accustom ourselves at home not only to live with our senses, but to turn our heads, stop biting ourselves for random mistakes, learn to control our emotions, watch our speech, learn to work on ourselves. As successes and vital needs can gradually move on to an increasingly active leadership: stop coaxing and frustrating, begin to formulate clear requests and demands to the children, discuss with them the rules that will be adopted in your family - and teach them to implement these rules in a serious , an adult manner.
And the children will soon get used to the fact that mom and dad need to obey that if the children are told - then this should be done and without a whim. To the grandmother we treat with love and respect - the grandmother the elderly person. And if the child does not even worry you at least, if only because of the TV, he leaves lessons and falls on time, you are already great people: you have learned to get on with the child and negotiate with him.
The task of each of us is to educate the educator. It seems to us that this is the point in any case: if you do not properly educate your children, perhaps you will raise at least your grandchildren. And if you do not come out with your grandchildren, at least you will educate yourself. This is already a great achievement!
If you love your children, at least for them you will become advanced parents.
Advanced parents are skillful parents. They are easily managed with children and knowingly, skillfully educate them. The arising questions with children they solve for themselves it is convenient and for children it is joyful. The goals of their actions are thought out, the means are selected, the results are analyzed every time: now it’s past, now it has not passed - next time we’ll correct it. Such parents have emotions under control, these parents do not break down into children. If they love children, but do not regret, because sorry and love - things are very different. These parents can be methodically demanding, and if they make a decision, they will not forget it, they will do it and bring it to the end. They are not supporters of the company: "Ah, that’s it, we are tempering the children now!" - at once they stripped the children and frost. No, they will prepare any business, and after all the best they do: weeks, months, years. They teach their children to learn, teach to think, and learn to talk to each other: day after day, calmly and attentively. If they said something to the children, they remember it and do not forget. And the children know that if you said something, it happened. It’s not accidental, it’s not a mood, it’s not emotions, it’s a conscious position. They are conscious people, conscious parents.
Yes, they are few, but it is these parents who read books like this, and these parents can already raise children.
Parenting is another and more than the ability to get along with the child and negotiate. A child with whom you can agree is not yet a well-bred child. He will do what his parents expect of him, but only while he is next to them, only in a specific situation. And if you step aside, the child will do his, not yours. He himself is not yet a carrier of your habits and views, not a carrier of values that you would like the child to have. Raising a child is an accustomed to a way of life, views and habits so that it becomes for your child. A well-educated child does not just do what is needed, he became different, he became an adult, caring, thinking, for him it is internally natural to be honest. For him, what is important internally is that previously only his parents and other wise elders demanded of him.
This book will teach you not only to get along with children, but also to educate children. To skilled parents, who love their children, we recommend a completely directive education. Why? Simply because in skilled hands it confidently gives the best results.
You can educate not only cautiously: gently, indirectly, but also boldly: directly, directive and demanding. It’s more effective! At the same time, it is always a risk and maximum personal responsibility. In directive education you take responsibility for someone else’s life ... For someone else’s? For the life of your child.
Do you have the right to do this? Yes, it is completely your right and, moreover, your direct duty. If you own these methods of education, your children will grow the way you dreamed of seeing them. They will respect you, they will obey you, they will respect themselves and love people. You will be the one who shapes their lives and is responsible for their life and destiny. These children will become yours in the full sense of the word: your project, your continuation, your destiny, which you throw into the future ... You can be sure: you and your children will have a wonderful relationship, despite the fact that once you can act tough, authoritarian, by force.
You can not - we’ll teach. If you do not want to, we’ll force it. No sooner said than done.
As in the army. How are things at work. So, how do adults live.
Is it possible to use such methods? Yes, you can. Advanced parents can do anything. These parents do not need to tie their hands together.
Unfortunately, I have to write about this. A.S. Makarenko all his life fought off the raids of traditional pedagogy: his technique worked tremendously effectively, but the teachers claimed: "The methods are not those!" He was accused of authoritarianism, planting of a discipline, disrespect for the child’s personality - in all mortal sins. And you will tell Anton Semenovich that he used the wrong methods? Will you take him to teach?
Clever parents can do anything. They are masters. They know their children, their own characteristics and their capabilities. If such parents choose directive education, they can do it. If they can do it - it is effective, it is most effective, it gives the best results.
So, once again: we recommend that parents do not molest children, but if they are educated, then carefully, gently, not directively. And another, intelligent and strong parents will say something else: "Why are you afraid of your own children? This is whose family, whose territory, whose children? Forward! You’re smart, you can! More courageous! Children will say "thank you" to you for this "
Well, what are we, parents?
What can you do? What is your level? If it is really important for you, to get an answer to these questions and understand your level is not difficult: you can come to Sinton and pass any of his trainings that I lead there: "Life as a mission," "Leadership and leadership," "Managing emotions," "Personal life" ... After the training, everything will become clear: and you will see at what level you are and people to you they will say, and if I ask you, I’ll give you feedback .
To the moment, you can pass an excellent test on the Psychologist. Designed specifically for you, you can take it for free. "Psihologos" find once in any search engine, followed by a link to the test "What we as parents?" on the first page
Proper upbringing: what is it?
Good news: there is correct education. Bad news: it’s different.
Do not expect that I (or anyone else) will draw the correct education for any family, for any child, especially for all times and peoples. There’s no such thing. But there are several model models of correct education, which I will describe to you, and you will need to try on your life, your family and your values - and choose.
We will describe the most popular, most recognizable models of upbringing. When you can "put" them together and think about their pros and cons, it’s easier to decide how we want to raise children.
How we will educate is another question, but at least to understand how we want, how we believe that our children should be educated is a great thing.
Their comments they will write too, but let them be for you only private opinion. The main decision is always yours.
Narrow Corridor, Iron Gauntlets: Hard Education
The model of education "narrow corridor" sets the task of maximally rigidly regulating the life and behavior of the child, unambiguously transferring his point A to point B.
Yes, this is a model of good, correct education: more precisely, one of the possible models. If it is necessary and in the interests of the child, intelligent parents once arrange for children the situation of strict prescriptions and tight control. Arranging a month "nothing but study" before the children enter the university - the children are more likely to help. The "Narrow Corridor" model in the positive version sounds like an army style of upbringing, and from a strong child, just parents with the help of such a model can raise a warrior - strict to himself and disciplined.
In this style, the training of special units is traditionally taking place, where the military is trained for extreme loads and willingness to give up life, without hesitation, if necessary. For many centuries it was in this style that life was built in monasteries, where strict discipline was not only the lifeblood of survival, but also a part of bodily and spiritual asceticism.
Will this model of upbringing suit you - how basic? It depends a lot on your character and your views, because the results of the educational model of the "Narrow Corridor" are very ambiguous. It happens that it is in such conditions that future warriors grow up: "We are beaten, but we are growing stronger. And everything that does not break us makes us stronger. " Unfortunately, it happens that this same system of people breaks down, and then a man grows up who is afraid of everything, a being that is inactive. On what does this or that result depend? First of all, on the competence of the educator. In the hands of ordinary parents, this model often brings up fear and inactivity in children, in the hands of the master this method forges a strong character in a person.
Sometimes the "Narrow Corridor" model is forced: at some ages, with some difficult children, another method simply will not work. In particular, children like to test adults for strength, and if an adult can not show that in this situation he is the senior, the children begin to command. In these cases, adults need to show firmness and order to restore.
In my opinion, and under my character, the model of education "Narrow Corridor" is very controversial. I do not like her. In local, difficult situations such an educational approach can be the only right decision, but it is not recommended for ordinary parents with normal children to arrange a "narrow corridor" for children.
Purely field, thick forest: natural development
One of the first who loudly spoke out against hard education was Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy. He wrote: "Education as a deliberate formation of people according to known patterns is not fruitful, illegal and impossible: there is no right to educate. Let the children know what is good for them, therefore let them educate themselves and follow a path that they themselves will choose." This ideology is shared by the approach of the Montessori school, under this flag are supporters of free education.
What kind of education, where education should not be and should not?
Here parents are convinced that children have the right to be free, and if they can solve something, then let’s solve: children are more important, we love them.
If children play, they break something - not scary, children are more important than things. Children can come, whenever you want, TV - please see; fight - you can, only fight, if possible, let’s translate into a fight.
The task of parents to remove any rules, instructions, edification, prohibitions and all the more punishment, if possible. This is not quite permissiveness, but at the level of common sense the principle "The less prohibitions, the better" works. It is clear that parents still teach the child what is vital that will save the life of the child and those around them ("children do not indulge in matches, knives and axes"), but ideally all social prohibitions in this model should be removed. The child is at liberty, as in the open field.
At the same time, unlike connivance, where educational influences are absent as such, in this model the educational process is carried out through the child’s collision with natural, natural limitations. Instead of prohibitions, parents arrange a confrontation with reality.
They do not say "I will not let you go without a hat," but went without a hat-my ears froze-who’s to blame? Why did not you listen? Did not want to eat, but who will feed you on the way? Another time, listen. It was said before the road to go to the toilet, he did not go, and then whines. Please be patient, dear. Already fight not with me, but with reality. Mom and Dad need to obey not because they are so harmful, but because they tell you that life is like that.
In this model there are two varieties that can be conditionally called "Honest" and "According to Jean-Jacques Rousseau". In the variant "For honest" the child is brought up only in those life circumstances that have developed naturally. And not formed - it is not educated. In the variant "According to Jean-Jacques Rousseau," natural limitations by adults are created artificially, if necessary, so that the child is more ready for life and able to cope with all the necessary life difficulties. In addition, by controlling the situation, it is possible to give the child life lessons without a notation, when the child comes to all "as it were."
It is called the "method of natural consequences".
Here, parents do not care about not putting pressure on the child, but that the child never feels pressure from the parents. And if the parents are creative people, then in fact the child actively educates them, simply not directly, but through a clash with skillfully selected educational situations. The child is not prohibited from doing anything and no one punishes him, just as a result everything will be as the educator wants. Of course, this is manipulation, but everyone is happy? With diligence and some dexterity, parents can get wonderful results.
What is the result of such education? Very different: sometimes the results are beautiful, sometimes problematic. As often happens, in this approach the result of upbringing is more determined not by the method, but by the personality of the educator. The strengths of this approach are that children brought up in this approach are people who are confident and realistic, familiar with life, or, more accurately, with natural life. Hence the possible problems: children are not very socialized, are not accustomed to prohibitions, they react nervously to punishment, and it is difficult for them in an ordinary school after such home education.
The teacher does not allow them to leave the classroom during the lesson, but they do not understand: what if someone can prohibit them? They are accustomed to reckoning with walls: the wall is standing, it is stone and they respect it. And they do not understand the prohibitions on people: "Why can not I leave the classroom if I’m tired? I’ll be back and do not bother anyone!"
Children themselves usually like this process of education without education, although in adulthood, when looking at themselves from outside, ratings are often changed, from "Parents, we could be educated and built" to "We were not ready for life".
A spacious house: a world of reasonable restraints
In this model, three important points: the space of freedom, the clarity of prohibitions and the certainty of punishments. The first is freedom. Here, parents want the child to live in the space of freedom, have the opportunity to freely play, try and indulge. The more freedom a child has and the fewer prohibitions, the better. Prohibitions here rather - a forced measure. Prohibitions are known here in advance, they are known all, everything is clear, they are often spoken and often written down, beyond this there is nothing, and as long as you do not violate them, we always love you. However, it is impossible to violate the prohibitions, because punishment follows this. That is all grown-up.
By setting a ban, parents think how much it is needed, and try to make it understandable for the child. On the other hand, if necessary, parents prohibit the prohibition clearly and confidently, strictly observing its observance: "it is impossible" here means "it is impossible". Respect for established prohibitions is as necessary here as respect for the freedom of the child.
Therefore: we do not talk with a mat, and if you can not shout at your grandmother, if you can not fight with sticks, then you can not. And if at 22.00 everyone goes to bed, then after 22.00 there is no life. No. Everyone is asleep.
It is impossible - it means that it is impossible at all times, however, the rigidity of the prohibition is realized in a variety of ways, not necessarily only by punishments, especially punishments. The personal example, warnings, explanations, kind conversations, formation of total public opinion help to observe the prohibition: "This is definitely impossible". Something can be forgiven, but the direction of educational policy is definitely: that which is impossible, it is impossible indeed. Like walls in the house. The wall does not start up because it’s evil, but simply because it’s worth it. Similarly, with the orders in the family: we have such an order in the family, and this is not disputed.
If the father said that you can not, then you can not. Why? Because dad said. We have such laws in our family. In any society there are laws, in any family there are laws. At us such. Grandma can have her own laws, at school, too, but in our family - so. Why? Because this is our family. Because we love you, because that’s how people live, because in our family it’s so accepted.
Of course, you can explain why. As a child, prohibitions and injunctions are transmitted: at first the child is told that it is impossible, and he must do it; but when he does it, or in parallel, we’ll tell you all about it in detail. But in the beginning the child must do it. Why? Because the family has a dad. You can discuss everything with your dad, but you can not argue with your father. First do it, as it is said, and then we will discuss everything.
Father’s hardness in this model usually balances and maintains the mother’s warmth and softness. It’s when the father firmly holds the line of order that Mama can be softer. My mother’s voice is warmer, my mother rarely demands, but more often at first she will talk, hug and ask in an amicable way: "Take it away in your room, please!". Dad must obey at once, and with his mother you can talk. Dad is strict, but my mother is kind. And it’s very good if my mother hugged the children softly after soft father’s demands and explained why she should not be angry with her dad, but really do everything.
Important: this line of the mother is possible only if there is someone more rigid around. Without this, children easily sit down on the neck of kind parents and on their requests they themselves require parents to explain: "Why should I leave because of the computer? Do not prevent me from playing!" This situation is unacceptable, not the child - the elder in the house.
And what brings up children here? Parents avoid teaching children directly, but they teach them by their example, their way of life, carry on with their hobbies - and all the things that children managed to captivate. If parents want children to go in for sports, they are looking for such a sport and such sections where the child will become interested in himself. Of course, interested parents control the development of their children, but they do it only unobtrusively, allowing them to choose the most attractive thing their parents found for them.
A spacious house is a fairly successful model of upbringing. Its obvious advantages: a good opportunity for self-realization of the positive potential of the child. Children here are free, they have a good and harmonious soul. At the same time, children are socialized, generally educated, they know what "it is impossible", they feel good both in school and at work.
This model is quite common. This model builds non-religious Jewish upbringing, this model is followed by a large part of intelligent people with a high level of prosperity.
At the same time, there are relative disadvantages in this approach: the level of development of children in this education model, as a rule, is not the highest and rather average. If a child is talented and energetic, burning with his hobbies - he will develop here his talent and abilities. If the child is inclined to be lazy - with this approach he has the opportunity to be lazy and - is lazy. The cowardly - is cowardly. If it is important for parents that their child has high achievements in life, this model is most likely not suitable for them, and they will be more interested in the model "A spacious house with a development line".
A spacious house with a development line
The basis of this model is the "Spacious House" approach. Let’s repeat: here parents want to ensure that the child lives in the space of freedom, had the opportunity to freely play, try and indulge. The house is big, there is a lot of air, please run, surf - we love you. It’s nice, when everyone feels that many things can be solved independently, please act as you like, no one will scold you, everyone loves and respects each other. But there are reasonable bans here: we are decent people, we lay down on time, my hands, do not swear at us, do not fight with sticks, we do lessons.
How does this approach differ from the "Spacious House" model? Here, parents have clear values that they are not afraid to broadcast. In this family, they actively talk about family values: what is human life, for what does it cost us all to live, about what is right, important, dear and real. For example, honesty, not as convenient, discipline, and not as it will. And cooperation, and not just think about yourself.
It is naive to think that children will reach the highest values of life independently: they may reach the end of their life, but mankind has been producing them for thousands of years. Life values are broadcast by the environment, and if we do not broadcast our values to our children, other values will quickly form a television, the Internet and school buddies to our children. Your choice?
We, the parents, have the right not to be silent, but to tell our children what kind of people and for what we value, what we want to be, what we educate ourselves and want to raise our children, what children we want to be proud of. Free parents have the right to say that they are dear in life, and free children have the right to hear what is important to their parents. These are our values, our ideals, this is the sun that illuminates our way.
The second defining feature of this model is the presence of a clear line of development, a clear designation of the path leading to values. Unlike the model of a spacious home where parents avoid directly teaching their children, parents allow themselves this: parents lead children through the space of freedom, showing the best routes. Beginning with elementary things: arrange children home schooling or give them to school, which school, and so on. Here, parents watch with whom their children are friends, which sites they go to, how much they basically sit on the Internet - and correct the situation when they consider it necessary. These are our children, this is our home and our territory, and we have the right to recommend to our children not only a general direction, but also a concrete path.
Such parents know what is right and what is not. Unlike parents who rely only on free choice of children, parents here advise, recommend, instruct, and once, if necessary, determine the life choices of children.
It’s right not to go for everyone, but to look narrowly at your own characteristics. Do not be lazy, but work. Do not give up, but believe in yourself. Do not be afraid, do not give up and set the highest goals. Do not lead, but develop the features of a leader. And always think with your head, and not as necessary. It is right!
If parents have given the process of developing their children into the hands of children, they can not be responsible for the result. They become irresponsible parents. If parents take responsibility for the result of upbringing, they should take the process into their own hands, be near the child wherever necessary, and ensure that every choice of the child is the best.
The development line is not a narrow corridor or iron gauntlets, it is a soft but extremely careful management of the child’s life. In the vastness of such a house, in the field of such freedom there are not only toys that attract children, here there is our life line and our way of life, the designation "how it is customary for us to live humanly". If you evade this line, they do not scold you, but they call you on this line, they teach you to this line. Here you can disobey, but you will always be told that "in our family we so want to live, we choose to live this way. How to talk to each other? That’s better ... "You’re not an intruder, but you can do better. If you can do better, we’ll tell you how to do better, and we’ll help you to do it the best. We will push you, we will guide you along this path.
In such a family there is a right way, and those who follow it, become travel. They get used to that education is natural, they get used to learning from someone who is more competent and is trained to educate themselves. And it’s worth a lot!
The result of such education: children are free, socialized, have our values and are developed to the maximum. Our values because we did not wait until they formed pictures from VKontakte and television series, and developed to the maximum, because we decided to live not lazily, but collected, because we helped our children live not mediocre, but to the maximum.
I have already formulated my assessment: it is an excellent model, but it puts maximum demands on parents: awareness of their lives, their values and willingness to invest in children to the maximum. Here, the regular procedure for raising children turns into a high mission of educating a person.
What kind of education do I recommend for advanced parents? - I recommend system education for them. It is this upbringing that is practiced in the syntone approach for the education of a free and reasonable person living in the direction of high values.
What kind of education is this? What are its features, what does it look like?
Outside, it is difficult to learn: system education does not have one appearance and a single style. Systemic education is education that changes styles and approaches in the child’s upbringing depending on the level of its development and willingness to cope with difficulties in a particular situation.
The child changes - parents must change their own style of interaction with it. The situation changed, the child faced more difficult tasks - that means we must change again, our approach to the child should become different. How?
Today, in the training of managers, there is no longer any question of which management style is better: authoritarian, democratic or liberal. It became clear that each of these styles has its pros and cons, and most importantly, each of them is necessary at some stage in the development of the team or at some period of the employee’s training. As a rule, in the first stages, the most appropriate approach is a policy approach - a business approach (without support, nothing personal), combined with tight instruction and detailed instructions. When the employee has learned the basics, a period of mentoring is coming, that is, a warm, personal approach (high level of support, personal relations), combined with tight instruction and detailed instructions. At the next stage, when the employee has already acquired sufficient experience, a partnership arises, where a warm, personal approach (high level of support, personal relations) is combined with trust and joint discussions. And the last stage is the delegation, the dream of any leader. This is a business approach (without support, nothing personal) combined with trust and joint discussions. "An interesting customer called, take it upon yourself!" - and all, the head can be sure that the employee will do everything without him and in the best possible way.
Similar stages in one form or another can and must be present in the process of child upbringing. A very small child, until he is able to understand human speech and does not know the basics of culture, most naturally develops and masters the necessary skills in the training mode. Until the child has developed will and he demonstrates volitional behavior, it is natural to direct his behavior by controlling his attention, through infatuation and involvement, by organizing the developing environment for him. When a child tries to check his parents for strength, or in situations where the child is not ready intellectually or morally, the best results show an authoritarian style of upbringing.
However, after some time with the child you can and need to talk, explain, consult; the child already has a lot to understand and do himself, respectively, interaction with the child changes from authoritarian to authoritative education, the regime of cooperation and support is increasingly possible. Ideally, a child should develop and educate himself, only using parents and the surrounding society as a resource in his own cognitive and social activities.
The stage of directive (authoritarian) upbringing is an important moment in the formation of the willed sphere of the child. In system education, the child is first taught to obey external orders, and then transfer the guidance to himself in his own hands. It seems that these are the mechanisms for the formation of strong-willed qualities that Lev Vygotsky had in mind when he formulated the law of the formation of higher mental functions: "Every higher mental function appears on the stage of the life development of man twice: first as a function external, social as a function of the interpsychic, as a function of the internal, regulative, as an internal way of thinking of the child. " Initially, the VFD is divided between a child and an adult, and after that, it is internalized, carried out by the child independently. Initially, the adult commands, the child learns to execute commands, then begins to command himself. Similarly, according to the conclusions of A.N. Leontev, "genetically arbitrary actions arise ... rather in social subordination than in submission to objective objective conditions."
Alexey Nikolaevich loved an anecdote about an officer and batman. The batman at home is busy and groans and groans all the time. The officer asks: "Ivan, what are you grunting about?" - "I really want to drink." "Go, get drunk." "I do not want to go." Some time passed, the officer said in an official tone: "Ivan." «I’m listening, your honor," replied the orderly. "Bring a glass of water." Runs, brings a glass of water. The officer says: "Drink." He drank and calmed down.
If the officer achieves that the batman will obey him without question, he will be given enough command: "Do not be lazy, show activity and independence!" - and batman will change his style of behavior. Perhaps for life.
Indeed, where does the young children come from? It is difficult to deny biological assumptions, but the will to a greater extent is a product of social learning. The will is brought up (or not educated) in children by their parents. The will is the demanding, strong voice of our father sounding in us. Mom can ask, admonish, persuade - the father says what needs to be done. If you had such a voice in your childhood or youth (sometimes it could be the voice of a coach or sergeant), if that voice became your law and began to organize your life and behavior, you know what the will is. If this voice you yourself began to talk with yourself and others - you have become a strong-willed person. If the child grew up surrounded only by soft people who recognize only a democratic style and who do not practice strong and energetic intonations, the willful behavior of the child will be difficult.
On the other hand, timely transition from directive to partner interaction, transition from the practice of subordination of the child to cooperation with it is important. Authoritarian education is convenient for parents, but it makes sense only when after a while our children really become free and reasonable people who are able to build their lives on their own.