Автор: Побегалова Екатерина,
Университет практической психологии

Family is a common goal

What makes a couple sustainable and what is not in most Russian families

You have met or heard such stories. Imagine a queue near the office of an official. 20 people are sitting and everyone needs a single certificate. And then the secretary comes out and says that the official does not accept anymore today, and just left. How can you see the unity of angry citizens, who before that were not and are dealing with each other!

Also in the family. Imagine: a couple, not the first year together, tired of family life. They suffer each other, but on the whole, they have not experienced much pleasure from communicating with each other - a lot of discontent, disagreements, and resentments have accumulated. But suddenly something happened. For example, a child is ill, and not just a runny nose, but something that requires a long and difficult treatment. And parents are united before a common task - the child should be cured at all costs, and all disagreements, emotions (or their absence) come to the fore.

What is the matter here, what is common in these stories? This secret is known to coaches and leaders of various groups, as well as good leaders.

Any collective is effective and stable, when it is united by a common goal, which is close, understandable and shared by all members of the collective. The family, of course, also a team - of two or more people.

In our culture, the idea of ​​consciously setting goals, and even more so the goals of the family, is so far exotic. But spontaneously goals are sometimes put themselves. The young family agreed that they want to have a baby. They switch to a healthy lifestyle, undergo necessary examinations, cancel contraception, study literature on the upbringing of children. And - hurray! - After a time, the baby is safely born. Everyone is happy, the goal is achieved! But what happens is a few months and in many families a tortured, tired, irritated mother and the same tormented and wicked daddy are found - mutual understanding is reduced, the conjugal unity leaves much to be desired. There is no new goal, only a day of marmot. It is clear that they are still connected by love to each other and to the baby. But also the sensation of the marmot s day, the expectation that "here it will grow up" - the awareness of the movement does not add it.

What does the setting of a common goal give?

- An association. People have a common idea, a common goal, and together with it general plans. Immediately becomes more quality time spent together - not watching TV, but for interesting activities.

- Common interests, topics for conversation. Clients sometimes complain about "we talk only about the way of life", "we see each other only our mother’s and our baby’s dad, forgot that we are also interesting in themselves, strong personalities with an outlook and intellect." If you have common goals, you will talk on interesting topics to you, see each other in an interesting new light - as people who go to the result.

- "I do self-development, go to trainings, grow, and my wife (husband) remains the same, does not move" - ​​a very popular request in the self-development environment. If you have agreed, in what direction you both aspire, set goals in one general direction - both will have to develop at approximately the same speed. And with the support of each other, growth will be faster and more efficient.

- The presence of a common goal allows us to resolve differences based on this goal. You do not pull the blanket - I want one, and you’re different. "I want" goes into the background. When there is a strong common goal, the question is different - how will it be more effective?

- Along with unnecessary disagreements on the ground" I want "unnecessary emotions go to the background. The goal is about the mind, you have to correlate your impulses with reality.

- The sensation of the Groundhog Day is decreasing or disappearing. Movement to the goal makes every day a small (or not very small) step in its direction. You see progress, together you rejoice, congratulate each other, overcome common difficulties - life is more full and interesting.

What are the common goals, in addition to the generally accepted mortgage, the birth of a child, the education of children?

• In sport. Do you dance together? Are you jogging? Are you fond of figs? Set goals - participation in competitions, some joint distance. At the same time, you will have additional motivation - to make yourself more pleasant and fewer reasons to be lazy!

• In terms of finance. Earn a year together for such a sum. In this case, not everyone’s contribution is important, but the total amount: even if the wife is a housewife, she can help her husband, organize his affairs, inspire him, etc.

• By relationships. To be together and experience joy from it. Or «365 days of sunshine a year" - not a day in a quarrel and a bad mood, or to be on the same date with each other as enthusiastically as on the first date)

• For self-development: Read for two and discuss this and that the number of new (high-quality) books to learn to understand in painting, classical music, history or what you are interested in. Learn how to sing, draw, dance tango, master the technique of managing emotions, communication skills, get good training in relationships, business or confidence.

• Any values ​​close to you both. the procession - to visit such and such countries together, the religion is to perform such an obedience, a ritual. Healthy way of life - to develop a suitable diet for you and stick to it for a year (or how much you set a goal.)

Before the new year - it’s time to discuss, what has happened over the past year, dreaming about what will happen in the future and setting goals. General - for your family.