I want to describe the situation that happened in my family. She made me think a lot and rethink a lot in my relationship with my mother.
So, we (I, my husband, and our children, 2, 5, and 7 years) live with my mother in our apartment for 5 years. Mom herself volunteered to help us when the second child was born. She moved to us from another city.
The last year I began to notice that my relationship with my mother was strained. She constantly broke down at her eldest son. I, in turn, defended him. We began to irritate each other.
Two weeks ago, I heard the edge of my ear that the eldest son uttered an abusive word on the letter "g", and the grandmother thought that it sounded in her address. And she said: "If you call me that again, I’ll leave you."
I heard it and asked if she really said it? Explained that if she said this to just scare, then the son does not take it, he is a brisk boy. And if she really has such thoughts in her head that she wants to leave seriously, she has every right.
She replied that she wanted to leave, and I said that I would not forcibly keep her. On this and dispersed. I decided to take a break, so as not to say too much and not spoil the relationship. Inside, of course, everything was seething. The situation that evening was very hot.
The next day I resumed the conversation and asked: "Are you tired of helping us? Do your children really strain you? " She answered that yes, she was tired, and that she has, besides me, another daughter (my own sister, 26 years old), who lives in a rented apartment and can not arrange her personal life. So, my mother is very worried that she can not help her. And for a long time already thinking about finding a job to help her to earn a daughter for an apartment.
Then I said that at her age it would not be so easy to find work for such a salary in order to save money for an apartment. Now she lives with us, postpones her pension and, in principle, we provide everything necessary for her.
But, apparently, she was determined to help her child very decisively. Said she would work as a nanny or concierge.
Then I came up with this option. Since the nurse we still would have had to take, if my mother had left us, I suggested that she stay with us on the terms of a hired worker. And we will pay her a salary.
Mom said she would think over the offer.
I can not say that we offered a large sum (the nanny would have cost us 20-30 more per cent), but for a woman of her mother’s age, finding even such a salary would not be so easy.
In general, the next day we received her positive response. Everything, like, remained in its place, but how did our relations change!
Truly, the business format taxis!
First, now my mother does not allow herself reproaches against her eldest son (she understands that she would be quickly put in place in a foreign family, like a nanny). As a result, in a few days the son became much more loyal to his grandmother, and his grandmother to him.
Secondly, now I do not need to repeat 10 times what should be done for my daughter (what and how much to feed, what to play, how to take). All this mom does now alone. I just specify whether everything is correct and what to add.
Third, on her part, attempts to impose her pedagogical knowledge (obtained from questionable sources) have ended. After all, working as a nanny from other people, fulfill the requirements of the employer, otherwise they can fire.
Fourth, my mother is very happy, because she is very happy. now understands that the second daughter helps in saving money for an apartment.
Fifthly, it seems to me that when mother’s work became actually paid with money, her attitude toward herself became better, self-esteem increased. In any case, I now see not an ever grumbling grandmother, but an active, elderly woman, going to her goal.
Well, I, in turn, are happy with the fact that I can help my sister in this way (we are on very good terms with her). It is to help, not to do it instead.
And I am also glad that after making that decision my relations with my mother have become simply beautiful - now she understands me with a half-word, and I have a greater respect for her work and help.
I hope that this experience will help other mothers to establish relationships with their mother or mother-in-law.