Интервью Н.И. Козлова журналистке Ирине Толстиковой​​​​​​​

How to educate school children

Our hero is known as the pioneer of practical psychology for the Russian audience. Doctor of Psychological Sciences, Professor Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov has been leading the oldest training center in Russia "Sinton" for more than 30 years, together with his students he leads the most popular portal on psychology in RuNet "Psychologos", is the rector of the University of Practical Psychology, writes books for millions of readers. Recently he released the novelty "Simple right childhood", a guide for smart and strong parents. Material for her, including, became his own rich experience, because Nikolai Ivanovich is the father of five children. Without offering simple solutions, he leads his readers to the impressive results of the most important in the world work - the parent.


- You are a psychologist with a lot of experience. To you for advice come both the people of the older generation, and the children of the new Russia. Who do modern Moscow schools bring up?

- I can not talk about schools in general, but about classrooms - it’s quite enough! I myself studied in a good school, and my children graduated from wonderful schools. In those years when I was a schoolboy, among the best were the guys with a developed value sphere. Children knew what they had to live for, they had ideals, they understood that life is not just about eating, dressing, "popping in". We had a theater at school, we read a lot, we were proud of the fact that we know poetry and literature. We respected the developed people, they wanted to reach their level. Now more pathos, more cool, more games, entertainment, brightness. Nevertheless, even now there are superbly educated children, who have everything in order with their heads and values. Talk about what students were before and what now ... whether it is necessary? It is important for normal parents that children surround his child in this particular school, and if desired, it can be taken under control, changed, done.

- Many parents complain that the atmosphere in the classroom is difficult to change ...

- The atmosphere is created by the leaders. They say: the class is not the same. And you make that class! We decided that our daughters would go to a school outside our district. My wife came there and asked: "Is it possible for my girls to study here?". She was told: "Please, year, work as a tutor in the preparatory group, we will take them." She agreed, got down to business, and after that she met the children, all her children recognized her, she was in the parents’ committee, gained authority. When parents take an active position, they are familiar with teachers, with the director, they know everyone with whom children communicate, they can and will determine the microclimate of the class. I came with great interest and pleasure to school, conducted psychological games and classes there. Children were cool, unexpected. If you teach your children not to lead a mass culture, to be leaders, then your values, which I hope your children share, and become the values ​​of the class. The parents’ committee is usually remarkable people, and the teachers are usually very good, they are not easy now, they need to be supported so that they understand that their work is valued. Get in touch. Take care not only about your child - think about all the children. Become a person who is being listened to. And very many questions are being solved. Then a much more cheerful, clear, effective work begins.

- It’s nice to admire parents who are able to help children solve their problems with their peers, it’s such a rarity!

- It seems that in the eighth grade my girls went to the winter camp, but with a delay. There, by that time, relations had already improved more or less, and they did not fall into the hierarchy to a worthy place. My daughter calls me with an upset intonation: "Dad, fool camp, I do not like everything ... Dad, can I become a leader here somehow?" I say: "No question." For five minutes told her the technology, how it’s done. Two days later he called again: "Such a class camp!" I got used to it, made friends with the girls, everything is fine. When children know that the father will help, he will teach, they will always be fine. Now daughters have matured, they have wonderful friends, life is raging and happy. Observant children immediately understand what kind of relationship in the family, including in the homes of friends, classmates. Is there a dad who wants to kiss? And my mother? And do their children listen? And how do parents say: how sensible or how stupid? Can they be trusted? And the parents themselves have achieved something in their lives, do they respect anyone? Children are not stupid, they all see.

- There is a problem that, perhaps, worries all conscious parents. The number of cases in which children put bullying, beating and rape on the network is growing and growing. I’ve been to a journalist in three prisons, including for minors. The head of the Mozhaisk colony, who worked there for thirty years, said that now it was simply the tree of crimes that had nothing to do with profit, cruelty for the sake of cruelty. Why do children behave now?

- «I can only have reflections." First: that for us horror is horror, children not taught empathy, perceive as a game. Cruelty is our adult assessment. Who is more indifferent to children’s crying? Children. I’m now saying terrible things, but the nightmare and violence from our point of view for them are the footage from the film.

- «Beating up blood, half to death, I believe, and children are perceived as something abnormal.

- We already come to the finals. But if we do not teach the children of man, leaving them without guidance, we can get the "Lord of the Flies" Golding. Children love experiences. Do not be afraid of pain, more precisely, the thirst for emotions and adventures is stronger than the fear of pain. Children who do not "rule" go to fights, to horror movies, spinning around bad places. They do not think that if they risk their lives, they bring their relatives close, they are indifferent. Unskilled children do not think about parents, about the consequences, about society. I came to the conviction: education by the female model is not education. The only effective model was the method of Anton Semenovich Makarenko. His approach is army discipline and tough methods. Children are firmly told: this is possible, but this is not allowed.

- That is, now have less to bring up children?

- Exactly. And I repeat: female upbringing is not education. Modern families are built like this: dad listens to mother, mother listens to the child, the child serves as a red cat. In this situation, there is no upbringing until the pope attains respect and takes the position of the head of the family. The vowel ideology of female culture is to live by feelings, not by the head. And that’s how the children live. A woman is always right, that is, all that she feels is true. And to live by the head is to be a robot, yes, right? The destruction of male culture leads to what we are now seeing.

There is a hope that the society has a self-healing effect. There is a fashion for this or that pedagogy. Every 20-40 years we learn to teach otherwise. In the 30-40-ies of the XX century, pedagogy was rigid, almost totalitarian. Then came the humanistic pathos and - "all the best for children," we support the weakest and most destitute. The last ten years abroad, the wave rises, parents have reached the point. Began to go out books on the topic "do not be afraid to be firm", "do not be afraid to put things in order", "not the children are the main ones in the family". Parents of the Constitution have the right and the duty to educate a child. Now some mothers do not decide on pregnancy until they get permission from the eldest son or daughter. This is a dead end. We reach the point of total absurdity, we start to shudder and think: "Listen, maybe we have already gotten somewhere wrong?"

- It’s probably not just the gender of the tutor. What do you think women can not do when they interact with children?

- Women, according to existing research, are generally more anxious, tend to be confident that next to them people are also filled with fears and tend to see psychological trauma where they are not close. They often regret and categorically refuse to use any rigid methods of education. Moreover, I tested many practical students from the University of practical psychology, and these are adults, developed people with higher education - they do not have intonations, which the child will listen to.

- »What is that intonation?"

- The key point: intonation must go down, not be interrogative, which is just natural for women. This throwing the voice up - attracting attention. When you overstate the intonation in the middle of the phrase, it is normal, but if at the end, then it loses its force. I had to invite a teacher for oratory for my course, and for two days he taught all the students a confident style of communication. Without special preparation, a woman can not communicate with children according to the "said - done" model. And then she has to persuade ("Do not upset my mother"), bribe («I’ll let you this"). As a result: children get used to it - they do nothing for nothing, and either mother, or later the boss, or life should dance around them and in no way hurt them. "And what are they, such bad, demand that I now, immediately sat down and did ?!"

- One of the biggest female fears is that the child will not love you, so it’s hard to be tough.

- This is a typical fear, children easily read it and themselves go ahead. For example, they say: "Mom, you do not love me. You do not like me and Dad at all. Here, in another family, they love a child, they’ve already bought a new iPhone, but you do not like me ... no, Mom, I do not believe. " Plus parents themselves read, for example, on the Internet, that if a child has a lack of desire and energy to do anything, it is because he does not love himself. And he does not like himself because he has not been saturated with parental love. In pop psychotherapy, these tales survive. On the Web, just open the article, and there ... "Start with the love of the child, unconditional love should be the basis of education." We well understand what unconditional love is? Whatever the child does, no matter how he behaves (he did "not do", did not do the lessons, did not wash himself), how do we treat him? "Clever, let me kiss you!" There are two problem types of parents. Some of them yell at the children, but others evaluate, look: "Baby, you do not need me - I will not deal with you". And such parents can ask the question: "Why did you give birth to a child? Do you love him? Is he of any interest to you at all? Do you want him to create life, to give the future? So what are you yelling at? Do not shout! "With such troubled parents talking about unconditional love - it means disorienting them.

- Now you often hear about the fear of having children, because they now need the same toys as adults, with rare exceptions. A child is a consumer, demanding and emotional ...

- In families of intelligent people with huge financial resources, children are brought up in almost Spartan terms. No one gives them anything, they all earn, and this is a family culture. In the houses of programmers from Silicon Valley, the creators of the most popular games, programs and applications, children are not allowed to use gadgets, they play a lot of computer games. And whatever happens outside, there is a dad in a normal family, he says openly: "Children, in our family, order and values ​​are like that. You tell me about other families. I understand correctly that you would like to live there? Let me talk, maybe you need someone like that. You say you want to live in our family or in another? "You know, we never had any questions with the children, they said that they want to be here, because we are great parents. You just need to be cool, and then whatever you say, the children will accept. We will discuss all purchases at the family council. "Please, justify why among all the expenses we have to buy something for you, what it will give for your development and for the interests of the family. If you prove that the new iPhone is growth and prospects, that it’s better than helping a grandparent, then, of course, we will get it. " Or: "Show what your contribution is. How many daddy works, you know. And how much do you work? I had a feeling that you spent 40 minutes watching TV or playing a computer. Why did not you come to the Pope and ask why you can help? Please, he will tell you how to make money on a new iPhone. " What is the name of the person who decides his problems at someone else’s expense? We in the family know this well, as they know in the "Syntone»: Parasite! And what about our children, Parasites? No, indeed! So all wrong conversations end. I sometimes ask my girls: "And how are you going to educate your children? Parasites or not? "And they have long ago excellent, correct answers.

- What can you say about money in a relationship with a child? Some parents pay children for help or marks.

- In a family with a good relationship you can do anything. Otherwise, it is not possible to close the money to education. The only thing: studies were conducted that showed that children can pay money in the first class and only for one - for reading. Children at first read not very fond of, because they do not know how. But if they are involved in this matter, even through money, then six months pass, they learn reading, books become pleasant for them, they get involved and read by drinking. In other cases, when there is no authority of parents, games with money lead to negative consequences. And in good families - please. Sometimes I can say: "Children, I need help, and I’ll pay you for it." After all, I love them and I want them to learn how to earn money. But this does not mean that they now have the right to pull money from me, this is my gift to my beloved children and remains a goodwill. Children can not demand anything from their parents. The power in the family belongs to the elders. All the best - to adults! And then the children will have an incentive to grow up and grow smart. Only the elder must show that he is not in charge to mock children, but to care for children, to create prospects for them. And when your sons and daughters see that there is more fun in your family, there is love, help and preparation for the future, you can not be afraid of either father or mother, they will support your decisions. But sometimes not immediately.

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