Интервью Н.И. Козлова журналистке Ирине Толстиковой​​​​​​​

How to Prepare for Parenting

Good parents can give a lot to a child, but they also have the full right and even the duty to demand it. The hero of this interview is Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov, Professor, Doctor of Psychology, Rector of the University of Practical Psychology, the creator and head of the oldest training center in Russia "Sinton", the founder and editor-in-chief of the "Psihologos" portal, the author of books on popular psychology diverging across the country in multimillion circulations, the father of five children. Nikolai Ivanovich is a positive specialist, but far from the idea of ​​the initially bright and kind nature of every person. In his view, the child needs to be educated and often by harsh methods. Recently, Nikolai Ivanovich systematized his views on education in the book "Simple right childhood". How moms and dads combine the power and warmth, how to teach a child to be happy, successful and inspire him to give it all to the next generation - read below.


- You sometimes publicly say that now you have enough skill to evaluate a person, even from a photo. Can you, just looking at a person’s photo, understand what his childhood was?

- What’s the difference? It is important what a person is now. Know the past - this is for what task? The research of David Myers, stated in his textbook of social psychology, showed that the events of early childhood have practically no effect on human life, except when someone believes in this determining effect, remembers or composes childhood events, chews it in the mind a little whether not daily. Then real memories or imaginary constructions will determine human life, since it is not the past, but the present.

- In general, what is a psychological trauma?

- There is no exact definition of a psychotrauma. No matter how much I looked at the literature, I could not find clarity. At us on "Psychologist" there is an article on this subject, there are five or seven signs. All of them are extremely fuzzy. You can interpret them as you like. The bottom line is that a person when meeting with some events begins to give inadequate reactions, rather a depressive plan, sometimes the head turns off, regressive child behavior is included. For example, a child got a deuce. It would be appropriate to scratch the back of my head, say: "Daddy, Mom, scold me not much, I’ll go to work." Another option: you can cry instead of lessons and make sure that mom or dad stay with you and do everything for you. But this is not a psychotrauma. However, another scenario is likely. The child brought a deuce, and after mother said "so, for lessons!" Or God forbid calling lazy, he cries out sorrow, hears nothing and for a few days becomes inadequately tearful, with a bad mood, affectively reacting to any remark. After many years, many parents say: "Why did you tell a child that he is not a good friend or that his daughter is fat?" Well, yes, she eats sweets without measure, but you insult her delicate psyche! This happens in families where parents do not have authority, do not know how to manage a child. In the families of the Old Believers, in the families of the Caucasian regions, what are the psychotrauma? At least one was fixed somewhere? You should behave properly, you must deal with younger children, if you are the elder, you must help the parents, for this be cheerful and energetic, listen to the elders. No one will allow you to play sadness and sadness for more than a few minutes, and then in the course of some business. It is known that all the depressions and emotional problems are typical for city residents, but not for villages. The more civilization and comfort, the higher the propensity to depressive states. Let’s go to the village, where the amenities are on the street, and there you have it. You’ll get tired! The stove must be melted, the cattle should be watched, the water should be descended, and the wood chopped. What is your sadness-depression? Alcoholism is possible there, depression is not.

- Then why does it seem from the outside that "trauma" is almost a central concept in psychology, psychotherapy?

- Talk about injuries began to appear in the world and in Russia not before the 60-ies of the XX century. Before in the history of mankind there were none. The sixties - the most interesting historical period, the time of hippies, rock’n’roll, the slogan "live fast, die young," became fashionable, it became prestigious to be young at any age, the authority of adults and the elderly practically disappears. There were many works criticizing authoritarianism, including on the part of older generations. It was claimed that we ourselves at any age determine their lives. There was a categorical protest against the rigid methods of education, but I will translate: against male education. The notion that women can and should have a decisive word in the upbringing of children has flourished and taken root. Talk about injuries - this is a female theme, a female language, a female notion. Look at Soviet films, for example, "The Foundling". Remember how the brother of this shining girl says to her: «I’ll screw your head off!". Does she have anything to worry about? Children among themselves koloshmatyatsya with might and main, and what, where there are psychological mutilations? And if the pope or mother raise their voice, then immediately the grandmother or someone else will say: "Why do you cause psychological trauma?" And any child is now "traumatized", offended, sad eyes, then depressed. One of my students tells me about watching their children. My daughter went to the kindergarten happy, happy, but one day she saw a weeping girl there, became thoughtful and the next day all the way to the kindergarten wept. And crosses the threshold of the garden - there the tears dry out, and along the road sobs. What only mother did not do! In the end, the daughter said something like: "Mom, I want to cry, do not bother me to do it. You will not distract me, do not bribe, I want to cry! "Only a woman’s heart responds to the sobbing of the child as a psychotrauma. And who is crying at this time? Engaged in respiratory gymnastics! Children love to move, children love to scream. The child with equal ease cries and laughs, often with minimal time intervals between these emotional actions. He has fun at least half the time. Or he watches his crying affect his parents. When a child sees that this crying affects this parent, he cries to him. This is taught to a three-month-old baby, but as they grow older, children do not fool. On the father and mother there are talks about psychotrauma, crying and resentment? The child will provide and fully demonstrate.

- What foreign models of upbringing do you find most inspiring?

- There is no ideal, everyone has pros and cons, but I will name a few. First, it is worth mentioning education in cultures with conviction in their "God’s chosen". These are Jewish families, for example. Second: in the United States, children from Mormon families are very successful, they have everything strictly, there is no such thing as entertainment, they are ascetic and at the same time they are decent. Their core values: work, integrity, commitment. And the third: the Chinese and other Asians, they have a desire to break through, there is a habit of working and demanding from children. Chinese mothers are absolutely rigid, they have no idea about psychological traumas, drive their children in full, scold, force, the child’s four - a family tragedy.

- In your book "Simple right childhood" you divide your parents into three main groups: problematic, ordinary and advanced. Why is it necessary to classify parents in this way and how does your mother or father assess their level?

- Your level as a parent shows how much you are allowed to intervene in the life of the child, including sometimes by rather harsh methods. The question is not easy. In general, I wondered if I should write a book about raising children. After all, there is a wonderful work by Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter "Communicate with the child. How? ", This is a magnificent author, an exceptional person, and the fact that her book has been for many years a classic of Russian pedagogy among psychologists - more than deservedly. If you, the parents, are not sure about yourself, then read Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter, and you and the child will have happiness. If you have a question "can I?", It’s better to be softer. In other cases, there is also confidence in oneself, and the opportunity to take up the upbringing of children in a serious way. For me there is a simple indicator: when in life as an adult you have proved that you can be a good leader, educate more boldly. You are in an adult team, in campaigns, in the army you know how to steer, people respect you, in difficult situations they turn to you, you can be relied on, they do not pull you through life, but do you stretch others? You will make an advanced parent! You are able to solve problems with people - it means, is capable and even obliged to start treating your children as adults. The myth that a child is small and has the right to a special status, I think, is harmful. How old is this myth? I guess about a hundred and fifty, not more. Only from the middle of the XIX century there was such an attitude towards children. Earlier they were small adults. The child has already worked in the garden since two years, the older children were engaged in younger children, all were included in the farm on general grounds. Then came the concept of "childhood". At first it lasted two or three years, then it stretched to the age of seven, then to eighteen, now open the Internet, and you will see the following: a girl’s childhood ends with the first pregnancy, men never end. Have arrived. Please start treating children as adults. And then they will know from childhood that there are orders, duties, and you will have the opportunity to control their behavior and, for example, to prevent negativism in relation to themselves, to others and to life. The fact is that if children do not "steer" carefully enough, then at the age of 4 to 12 they master first and foremost the whole habitual negative: they begin to get bored, get offended, curse themselves, develop fatigue, shyness, self-doubt, fears, anxiety. This is a learned behavior, and in cases when the parent does not warn such things, children flirt with such emotions and states. That my children have it ?! Yes, at the first signs I’ll come up and say: "What’s up? Well, lichiko correct, dear, tell me what decisions you have now "and so on. Children begin to get sick! The closest checklist - what do the children come up with? I think everyone knows.

- «As a child, you know how to really get sick, if necessary, you do not even have to lie."

- Easily. At us with it so. Let’s say a wife says: "My daughter seems to have caught a cold." I look in the eyes of my daughter: "Lapul, they tell me that you seem to be ill." She looks at me carefully and starts to weigh quickly. She understands that we have a health regime and that this regime is "sick". If the child is healthy, then life is cheerful, cheerful, alive, all is well and joyful. The ill child has bed rest. We can not get out of bed. Televisions and computers are strictly forbidden for a weakened organism and psyche - this, of course, is not discussed. Every half an hour-hour you must get up, go to rinse your throat, go back and lie down. Take all medications, do not make noise, lie still. And when you recover, it is clear that you started a lot on your studies. Sit down for lessons, and then back to the crib, regain strength. In short, our children never get sick. And why do they need it? Do it so that the child was interested in being healthy, cheerful, cheerful, energetic, without anguish, without boredom. Skilled parents are able to take the child under their control just as the head is responsible for the employees. At work there is a corporate ethic. In a good company, we work effectively, and even get joy. And at us in «Syntone» the corporate ethics - to work with interest, with love, with a happy face. Who would have walked with a frustrated, dull or tired look! What the heck?!

- How to prepare for parenting?

- Who is the parent? This is a normal person, wishing, among other interesting projects, to make the child a good, exciting life, to give happiness. To raise a child healthy, cheerful and happy, who needs to be made healthy, cheerful and happy? Yourself! If you wake up every morning, want to get up, you live according to plan, written or oral, and the plans inspire you, then you are ready to become a father or mother. In my opinion, the only sadness allowed to a person is that you do not have two or three lives in parallel or in sequence. You can live by yourself - you can teach this to children. To learn and implement it, come, for example, to Syntone, the largest training center in Russia or go to the Distance for parents. And read "Simple right childhood", think how you can follow the prompts given there. Not everyone is capable of this. You understand that it will not work, - work more carefully. Be friends with children. I’m able to be friends and manage, but for most people it’s impossible - either we are friends or we manage. Smile, talk, get the child to be frank with you, try to become a great friend than someone else. And then, probably, the child will be carried away by your example rather than others. Children are brought up, of course, on samples. Question: on whose? More often than not the behavior of parents becomes a reference point for the child. After all, children look: "Well, what about the parents? Not bright, not interesting. " And on the TV, in the computer or somewhere in the yard, there are much more interesting options to be copied and mastered. Parents fly by. Past the minds and hearts of their children.

- «You have a chapter in your book," Parenting, which would not have been better. " What kind of pedagogical error are we talking about here?

- The standard error of parents - the lack of a system of permits and prohibitions, a system of sanctions. I remember how the counselors told me in my first pioneer camp: "There should be few bans, but they must be tough." The correct prohibition is like a wall. It is reasonable, but if it is said "it is impossible", then this can not be exactly. In an ordinary family it is often so: "Do not go there! Sit quietly! I forbid you! ", But these words are rash, without explanation. When "rvanet", when you will be guilty - it is not clear. Almost everything is forbidden in words, but in fact the prohibitions are straw, mother does not look anyway. Therefore, there is no order, the child does not know where the boundaries are, and he gets used to breaking everything. The child grows up smart or blunt, but unequivocally skeptical about the laws.

- This education is very adaptable to life in Russia ...

- Very ... Family is a space where you can build a happy life for yourself, for children, for loved ones. You have all the bases of your children to keep in your hands. Juvenile justice of the modern Western type should not interfere with the life of the family. There is the prerogative of the father to act on his own children at his own discretion. We have every reason to establish our own rules on our territory. For smart parents - cool. It may be sad to other families. But for the time being they are given the right to raise and teach children as they see fit. Actually, with this problem I started a book about education: I tell my parents that you can act very freely. Who is good about this? Clever is good. But for troubled, stupid, inconsistent, cruel, irresponsible ... it’s sad. And then what, regulate everything and reduce to the middle? But from this wins the middle, wins the weak, and what happens to the best parents? Abroad, children can no longer be hugged without demand, you can not slap, you can not raise your voice. I was in Germany, the parents living there complain with sad eyes: "Madly hard." Let’s appreciate that as long as we have the conditions for the education of excellent children!

- How can a parent correctly formulate the goal of his upbringing and should this be done?

- First come clear things: to educate smart, healthy, free, happy. But this is not enough. Our children should be smarter, happier and more creative than us, ahead of us. We give them the confidence and knowledge that they are obliged to raise their children who will raise their children, who will also be smarter, healthier and more creative. It is a duty to shape the future. I’m not raising my children to be good. They know that their task is to bring their happiness and development further. If only they themselves are happy - this is the destruction of the dynasty. The genus must live and develop.

- What would you say to your son or daughter on "you know, dad, I childfree, I do not want children."

"Go and have some water." And if deployed, then in our family and "Sinton" there are accepted concepts: the Consumer and the Creator. A consumer is a decent person, but serving his interests at his own expense, he cares only about himself. Creators, on the other hand, are people whose circle of concerns is much wider, they care about others, about the world. If you re not going to have children, then do I understand correctly that you are a Consumer? The child can say "yes, I’m a Consumer", although it’s difficult to say. I will answer: "What do you think, and if you are a consumer, who will be next to you, Creators or Consumers?" It is not difficult to guess, Consumers. Further: "I correctly understand that a person next to you will only consume you, but not love? And with you he will remain as long as he is interested and profitable, right? Do you want a future for yourself? "At least for men, the fate of the Consumer is extremely unprofitable. I can show on my fingers that a man who thinks not only of himself and works not only for himself, will live for a couple of decades longer and healthier. Male-Consumer somewhere from the age of thirty body prompts: sofa, TV, fun drinks. Men break up, crumble, lose children, families, meanings. Therefore, I, the intelligent parent, give advice to children - do not go this way, it will be worse. I can demonstrate and prove why it is really preferable to be a Creator, not a Consumer, to care for and love.

- If a child is brought up in a very good family, then he may have the thought: "I will not pull, I can not be such a parent as my mom and dad." And the average level does not suit him.

- Teach children to another: "So that I, so smart, can not cope with this?" Let them grow with us the most intelligent and the best, and this with the deepest respect for others. Such a lot around me, "Sinton" collects very worthy.

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