Автор: Э.В. Гончарова, психолог, коуч
Видеоблог на YouTube

About Love ... and the difficult rules of its preservation

A brief report of one consultation.

The request: "We meet for 2 years, we can not live together yet. Are planning. He says that he loves me very much. And not only speaks, instantly responds to all my requests. So do I. We have very kind and, I thought, a sincere close relationship. Now I learned that he has a relationship with another girl. He went on a business trip, and I found out that she went there to him. I was in shock. Why? After all, we are all good. He always shows that he is well with me. And I love him very much, there is always a lot of tenderness between us. Like doves ... And suddenly this ...

I’m very, very bad. I do not know what to do. I could hardly restrain from sobbing calls or evil sms there to him. I could hardly restrain myself from even more stupid desire, to call or write to that girl (I have her phone). I feel so bad that I want to howl. And he, as always, sends sms - in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, as at it there business, that kisses and misses. I do not understand anything, I do not know - what about this knowledge about him, about his other relationships to do? I’m glad that I can come to you, ask - why is that? why on the background of a warm relationship is that? How can I say - that I love more than life, I want to make you happy ... And so do?

I do not know what to do…"


Tear was a lot, grief too. I listened attentively to everything. Gently supported the girl. She told her many different warm words, stressed that - it can be very, very much love, etc ....

When she calmed down a bit, I praised and admired her self-control - her desire to solve the situation not instantly, not under the influence of feelings, but through her head.

We turned to her main question: Does he love me? (under which there was a simple female request: I really want him to love me faithfully, and this request was supplemented with a request - teach me to do it).

(... well, yes ... we will believe that I "know" how to do it ... because I’m older! Yes, and it’s true, I’m older and already know a lot - and I know a long time ..., because I also asked my questions people who believed: I also sincerely believed that my grandmother KNOWs how to do it, and her advice, her philosophy of life, the person with three classes of CPSH (literally), I have never been let down. , and I do everything and do it, because she taught me ...)

I asked the girl - what does it mean, from her point of view, to love? And then - what does it mean to love, in terms of her boyfriend?

And here there was a small pause: When she told me, as if with the words of the guy, I asked her - did she ask the guy? And I agreed - what kind of "love" will they have for them both?

Not in order to give up something important in your understanding, but for everyone to simply know well what is important to another. And I could do it for someone else. If ready.

Because in this discussion you need to be prepared for the fact that someone does not want to give up something, and therefore, when asking direct questions, one must wait for unequivocal answers. Which, not always, can be what you expect.

And now to you a question - you are ready to do it: carefully discuss everything and carefully negotiate with your boyfriend about how you would like to receive and give your love to each other?

Let’s consider the situation: you love him very much, he loves you, too. He is very affectionate with you, he does a lot for you. And you are ready for him, almost give your life. Only he looks at his freedom differently. And you do not believe that with a different view of freedom, relationships with other women, you can generally love. You do not believe that he loves you like that.

What will you do with such a favorite?

......... ?????????

Again a long long conversation that, yes, she has every right to her idea of ​​love, and she can receive in her life exactly that love in which she believes, which pleases.

How? First, you need to be a value in the eyes of a man, to work for this value (the quality of an elite woman) for the rest of your life, as well as to be able to know and not to drain your own life values.

Yes, you need to have the strength to defend your values: talk about them out loud and look for the person who will be ready to respect these values.


- Have you ever talked about this (about your idea of ​​love and about the desire to receive it in the form of obligatory fidelity) with your man? You tried to explain to him all this in terms of importance for you and, in general, in terms of importance for those human relationships that are created on another moral level - at another level of intimacy, understanding and support, and which you want to create in your life? You applied strength, helped your man to move to this other level of understanding of the world? Have you done anything for this? Have you thought about how to help him take on the obligations of the Men? Have you ever discussed this: the obligations of Men and Women?

- ... I did not think about it at all, everything had to happen somehow by itself .. WOMEN’S DUTIES - I did not think in this way ... I probably hoped for love, that love would do it all, protect us. And this we must protect it - our love. Yes, I did not help in what could, how to help a woman ... to see deeper ... otherwise to realize ... yes you are right about a woman-bereguinu ... she protects a man ... and from small deeds in his life too. That’s the main thing. Thank you for what you said about this. Yes, men need restraining landmarks. Yes, I heard more than once that a person is weak, that he needs not only a guiding star, but also a fence. Someone builds a fence for himself, someone needs help.

- Yes, yes ... you understood everything correctly and noted, we must help our men. And very often it is necessary to help in this - in the choice of moral guidelines. It is a woman’s duty and right, if she deserves this right, primarily by her work on herself.


We thought of her conversation with her young man. In a conversation, she calmly tells him how hard it was for her to know how bitterly she was going through, how she really jumped at a temperature of 40 ...

She would say this without reproaches: just as a fact, a description of what was, as was with her state of health ... Yes, emphasizing this story of his great value for himself. Yes - it is important, yes - it is valuable. And she does not hesitate to tell him about it. This is also important in their relationship - their value for each other and quiet recognition of each other in this.

But! Calmly adds, for me in life there is still something very important - faithfulness in the relationship. She will tell him that when she found out about the existence of another girl, she realized with surprise that they had never agreed on loyalty, did not give any direct concrete promises (sharing responsibility for what happened with her young man, this also works to strengthen relations). And she would like to discuss whether there will be loyalty in their relationship and are they ready to give each other a promise of loyalty?

We also said - what will she do if the guy is not ready for exclusivity in the relationship? Is she ready to withdraw from this relationship? Whether the break will endure steadfastly and to the end. If - no, then the conversation should not be started. Empty conversation will be empty.

And if she wants some changes, then if she is not ready to leave where she is ill, she should not talk (not begging and crying) with a young man, but for now - by herself, her development, her persistent ability to pay for her desires, even, perhaps, great difficulties in today’s day, which it is ready to pass by its decision for the sake of tomorrow.

If - yes, it is ready, if the positions do not coincide, withdraw from the relationship, then you can talk.

The girl decided to talk. I saw from her that she was ready for this serious conversation.

After she gently, without any superfluous reproaches, she will tell about her feelings, while taking part of the responsibility for the incident and herself, she will also tell how, from her point of view, this can be avoided in their future, she is so he will inform the man of his decision, namely - that they will suspend their relationship completely for a month (so that she can come to the senses - this is the official version for the man). There will not be any contacts during this period. The full resumption of their relations will begin only with a serious conversation.

The girl must remember this well-nothing is blown up, nothing descends on the brakes, kisses and in bed in the process of a passionate truce-this will not happen, there will be a calm conversation and a specific date for their future conversation. To which the man should still be ready, there are no spontaneous (most often empty) "obligations" under the influence of the suffering eyes of his beloved and the sexual desire that has not yet come from. And for this, for his conscious decision, he is given a month. He has the right to do it - without pressure, without manipulation, in a measured manner, calmly accept his decision.

Their future conversation will take place if the man wants to hold this conversation. Nobody does not forcibly demand anything. He wants to - he’ll call.

In the meantime, he was put out of the door (for the time being, he was a little disappointed), but left the door ajar, into it he can go at will - once, in a month - for a serious conversation. Exactly a month later the door will close for good.

If he decides he is ready for it: discuss and accept the rule of loyalty in their relations, he can call her on their appointed day (by the way, they have designated not only the exact day, but the exact time). They will meet and discuss everything. And when they come to a common solution in this matter, then they can begin to build their lives in a new way, from that day: from the day of their obligations to each other, taken meaningfully and voluntarily.

Why else need this month? You have to pay for everything. This is a rule that everyone should remember.

For his relations on the side (which, nevertheless, was implied by default), and which brought so much grief to his beloved, the young man must pay for a temporary lack of relations with the girl, even because - so long as the format of the relations suitable to both of them has not yet been worked out, he still has to think and understand about this, he is ready to pay something, something to sacrifice in his life for something more important for him and then - he must have a tangible opportunity, feel and appreciate the loss. Without this, in no way - an expensive price is paid only for what is expensive. Here let and it will be defined.

There is one more rule: forgiveness is not only acceptance, which the girl has thoroughly done, but this includes the inclusion of compensation for damage. The purpose of compensation is the handing over of a part of the responsibility to the opposite party.

Monthly excommunication, if a guy loves a girl, if her absence is a loss for her, this is an adequate compensation that will help the girl "return her face" and help the young person and in her feelings more accurately understand and personally grow up. Rapid forgiveness in some situations - the relationship is working poorly. A man needs to feel the feminine power in the ability to take strict female decisions. Respect for your woman is an important part of strong relationships.

Yes, to which girls are often not ready and very much want to avoid it, that this month is a test not only for the guy, but also for the girl. We also seriously discussed it with her - that she did not lubricate, did not merge her decision (if suddenly he starts to cross the door). I often quoted my grandmother: "Do not cry, blue-eyed, female pride, which is wisdom, not nails, if it is, a great help in women’s destiny."

Do you want a good husband? Happy family relations? Tolerate!

Then, thought out, picked up beautiful respectful formulations - working to accurately suppress any premature calls of her young man.

We planned for her daily classes for this month - so that no minute free! To one cheerfulness and joy! And no extra thoughts!

The young man at us was a flint, calls did not do (my respect to it), exactly in a month minute in a minute has called ....


P.S. After such a shake they launched a new period of love, against which (when the girls do not turn their heads and remember that they are the owners of the family), a new corporate culture was created and approved!

HELPFUL CONVICTIONS, which remained with the client, following the results of this consultation:

Smsks and telephone conversations exist for recognition in love, and not for telling each other mucks. Or, God forbid, clarifying the relationship.

Relationships should not be clarified, but built.

Love is responsible behavior. And the morally stronger side of this behavior is shaping up.

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