Автор: Э.В. Гончарова, психолог, коуч
Видеоблог на YouTube

How to stop "nagging" men

A common female error in many respects is a lot of tedious and not informative conversations on the part of a woman. And it s not a man s quest for short transactions at all ))). Against women’s talk, containing new information, men are not particularly protesting. Especially when women are able to tell how to tell and is exciting. Moreover, the art of such a vivid female story is very popular among men! It develops the male imagination, raises the mood. And with the growth of endorphins, male testosterone is also growing, the male desire for victories!

So the minus is not on women s talk, but on women’s love for boring moralizing, which many ladies are actively sinning. Calling it - to share ...)))

Girls, THIS - do not share! This is - empty chatter, moreover negatively charged!

Instead of quietly giving the man a brief and precise instruction that she wanted to get in a given situation from a man, a woman begins to endure the brain and itch about the past and her past and present outraged feelings, doing this at the most inopportune moment. For example, during a joint trip in the car. Yes, a woman really wants to speak. Therefore, from her point of view, the car is a very convenient place, allowing her to finish the conversation.

But how effective is this conversation, even if he was pronounced to the end, and the man had no opportunity to avoid a two-hour itching and moralizing? The answer, on the sad experience of each of us)), is known - the results are zero, except for an additional heated scandal.

Consider the example:

A man said something offensive to friends or parents ... And the woman begins her thorough conversation with the phrase: "I was very upset when you, with my parents, said that I’m not very good at cooking ... and - it raced ... reasoning about their offended feelings and even more reasoning about dishonesty, or stupidity, or bad manners, etc. partner ... "

Do all these arguments add to the cultivation of the partner? Do the relationships improve? No!

This initial phrase - completely unsuccessful, contributing to the kindling of a woman’s self-pity, and allowing her to jump on the female favorite skate "monologue-moralizing."

In addition to the fact that such a start actively adjusts the uplifting wave of moralizing, in this beginning the task is completely eliminated - to formulate the instruction. Not before this poor woman who feels sorry for herself. The instruction is not the purpose of her conversation. And in vain! A man in this situation retelling women’s feelings is not at all interesting, especially if he deliberately decided to hurt them! And even if unintentionally, it is all the more useless to accuse a person. It is more appropriate to suggest what you would like to see from him in this or that situation.

The correct constructive and instructive start of the conversation for the situation we are discussing is as follows:

"You’re right, I’m not really good at cooking, but I’ll be grateful if we discuss this issue and other such issues of a very personal plan only between us, with the eye on the eyes, without the presence of parents or other people. What do you think about this proposal? ".

My friends, if you find this figure of speech longish or some kind of abstruse and unnatural, I will agree: for so many, it is, until now, completely unnatural in situations where a partner is told his position.

Notice how I now set the goal: we choose and always create in communication not situations of clarifying the relationship, but the situation of reporting their position!

This immediately sets us on the right intonation and thoughtful speech.

Dear girls, if you are interested in an atmosphere of cooperation and mutual understanding, then gradually this configuration of speech will become very familiar to you and make you a true Lady.

What will you achieve with this configuration?

You will note the rightness of the partner.

You will note a more relevant, from your point of view, approach for presenting your wishes to you. (And you have the right to do this, but you have no right to resentment, tears, scandals, garbage words and insults, you are a Lady!)

You will give the word to another and ask his opinion about your point of view.

You will create a topic for discussion without making it a monologue.

With a qualitatively held discussion, you will learn the more detailed point of view of the man on the subject under discussion, and you will agree on the future - whether or not you should devote someone else to some of your discontent with each other, applying this as some way of pressure on each other.

You can also agree - in what way you need to communicate to each other something that causes tension between you.

Using this algorithm in a conversation, a woman has a chance instead of wasting time on reading "righteous morals" to a man, narrowly directing his attention to the actions that she considers the most working for their union. Also, a woman has a chance, when she will give the floor to her partner, for example, finally to hear that the man has already repeatedly hinted to her that she would learn to cook more delicious and more diverse !!! But the woman missed his hints. Therefore, he used such a radical method (apparently because he also does not know how to effectively negotiate and influence the partner’s behavior in civilized ways).

Which conclusion do we draw from the discussion?

When a woman uses conversation-moralizing, she very little is teaching a man and very little to know the point of view of the man himself! Accordingly, as it will act in the future - it is unknown, or rather, it is known - in the old way.

When a woman uses talk-instructions, with the transfer of a word to another, she gets an understandably co-planned future for their couple. As well as his example, he teaches how to competently influence an unacceptable behavior of a partner: he teaches us to use coherent polite instructions.


Vocabulary:

Transaction (from Latin transactio - agreement, contract) is a minimal logically meaningful operation that makes sense and can only be performed completely.

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