As a result, the child did the following: I will not go swimming more. Listening to how a coach praises someone, not you - is unpleasant. A friend in everything is better than me, oh why so. How miserable I am, etc.
I admit that at first I reacted wrong. I was hooked on the topic of envy. I began to convince my son that "not all your friend is better", that you will succeed, too. The son listened to this all with a disgruntled, melancholy face. By the end of the conversation, I seem to have softened a little, but I myself no longer liked where we drove. "And he does not know how!" And I can do it. And yet he does not work here. And I’m working for me, "somehow this sounded ugly. And the problem did not resolve: the next day the son again began to whine that he does not want to go to the pool anymore.
Fortunately, I had the opportunity to ask Nikolai Ivanovich what he thought about this. What was voiced by Nikolai Ivanovich worked 100%. So, what you need to do in such situations:
1) Set aside the theme of envy at all, as this is empty.
2) To sound the child two rules: first, in our family, adults decide whether it is time for the child to give up or not, and secondly, we in our family are friends with those who are better than us in something.
That’s exactly what I did.
Our conversation with my son looked like this.
- I do not want to go to the pool anymore! I can not do anything! Coach only a friend and some more praises, but I do not.
"So you want to surrender?" Quit swimming?
"I heard you and want to tell you something now." You, it seems, just do not know that in our family there is a rule. In our family, it is not the child who decides whether to give him something or not. This is decided by adults.
- But I can not do anything.
- Yes, some children do not work and never will. It happens. And it happens that the children first do not work, and then it turns out. An adult intelligent person sees whether the child will succeed in the future or not. Dad and I see that in your future it will be in swimming. Therefore, we are not allowed to surrender in swimming.
- What if it does not work out? How do you know?
"Do you think that Dad and I are stupid or clever?"
- So, if we say that it will turn out, can we believe?
- Well, fine.
- But Sashka will again be a coach to praise!
- Oh, I’m sorry, please, Dad and I forgot you one more rule to say. We in our family are friends with those who are better than us. It is necessary.
"Then I will always be jealous."
- You will not be jealous, but be proud of your friends. "I can not be proud!" "It s because you did not learn to be proud." I ll teach you now. When your friend does something better than you, you smile at him like that, approach him and say joyfully: "Wow! Congratulations! You re cool! "
. - (the son rehearses intonation and words, we say it all several times - the son laughs)
- (I sum up): So, the decision on whether to throw or not to throw something is taken by the parents. Friendly - with strong, interesting guys. If you have a friend who is worse than you in everything, be sure to tell my dad. We will think what to do, because it is not the case.
- Yes! I’ll tell you! (and he shines, content)
In the pool from that conversation - skipping. Two weeks later, the coach praised our son. Sasha is still "undiluted-water". To be honest, a couple of times in order to verify asked as if by accident the question "But you have a new friend. Does he know anything that you can not do yet? ". The son reacted calmly, thoughtful. Then he said that this boy paints animals very well. Previously, even a hint of "someone better" caused a storm of emotions. Now it became very easy to communicate with my son. Also, now there is a certainty that he will choose his friends for himself the most worthy! Nikolay Ivanovich, many thanks to you from our whole family.
And this is another analysis of such a situation.
I asked my husband about his possible solution in the event that our son (14 years old) said that he gives up his lessons, suppose, football, because a friend is better at it. My husband suggested 2 options, in my opinion, interesting, talking with my son (without taking into account intonations), which I want to share:
1. Say, son, and you would respect me after I gave up my business, what I earn now and keep family, only because my friend, Uncle Vitya, receives a higher harvest and, accordingly, income. (Then I praised my husband and suggested to think about what he would say, to give his son a vector for development ahead to become better, at least himself).
2. Sonny, but let’s remember the goal that we planned to achieve by visiting this section. Do you think that your friend’s success is a hindrance in achieving your goal? Also what, you so it will be easy to bypass in a life? (I said that I like this option and suggested that my husband remember the role of his father as an assistant in achieving his remarkable goal, including not only this, but in general in life, that is, a joint plan, with the clear responsibilities of everyone (Dad , mother, son), who is interested in achieving the goals of the son).
In addition, Dima (my husband) told a story about the life of Cristiano Ronaldo (a Portuguese footballer who plays for the Spanish club Real Madrid and the Portuguese national team, which became the European champion in 2016).
Ronaldo started playing football, probably from the cradle. But he began his professional career in Sporting. A long time about his career growth will not tell. But one story really deserves special interest.
First, Ronaldo played in the reserve of Sporting. Partner in the attack was his childhood friend (name I do not remember), and there was a set in the main line-up. The coach put an ultimatum - who will manage to score a goal, that will pass to the main line-up. In the end the decisive match, a friend Ronaldo could score in an empty net and achieve the goal. But instead he gave the pass to Cristiano, and he scored. When Ronaldo asked why he did this, he replied that he was simply better than him. So Ronaldo and became a player of the basics.
In one of the Spanish sports magazines there is an interview of that same friend. He admitted that every year he receives a six-figure sum from Ronaldo, his children live in a luxurious house, study in the best schools, and all this at the expense of the grateful famous Portuguese friend, Cristiano, who in football was better than him.